Character Critique Doctor

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime Finally getting to you. First, let me say that your book idea is very interesting! I'd love to read something like that one day, and I say that as someone who doesn't do much reading, especially not of YA novels, anymore.

So, on to critique. I have to ask, why did you submit this character to me? Were you just trying to show off? I mean, really? This character is SOLID. Like, I truly can't begin to tell you how much I was nodding my head with every section that I read. It all just clicked! Her motivations made sense, her character design was interesting (you don't really get many overweight Asian characters in good roles), and she is sympathetic for someone in her position.

The only true gripe that I have is her prejudice. You said that she's a communist, but she doesn't like poor people? That doesn't fit to me. The whole point of communism is, as Karl Marx once said: "to each according to his ability, to each according to his needs". That isn't the philosophy of someone who doesn't like the poor, that's the philosophy of someone who believes in their plight. If you mean that she's a hypocrite, then that works, but I couldn't be sure if that's what you were going for.

But really, other than that, 10/10, would recommend! Because your character wasn't sick, there's not much I can give you, so here's your bill ❤️️

@Snowmirror Sorry this took so long, so let's get down to it.

I wanna start by saying that I like your book idea and the way you treat magic in your universe; it's quite unique. You definitely won yourself some points for that alone.

Looks

I couldn't help but notice that you didn't add a height. I think it's important to know, not only for character purposes but for continuity as well. Without a height, how do we know if he can reach the top shelf? I know that sounds silly, but as someone who wrote a character needing to use a stool in one scene, and then forgetting all about that in another, it really does help, especially when in relation to the heights of other characters. I know you stated that he was one of the shortest in his group, but how much shorter is he? Shorter than average? Does he come up to the average person's chest? Shoulders? Neck?

I'm a sucker for the dark hair, blue eyes character archetype, so nice.

Since he was a child soldier who had undergone rigorous training, him being muscular makes sense, but be careful, because I noticed that you said that he was nursed back to health over the course of a year. Muscle doesn't stay forever and has to be maintained, so you might wanna add a line or two in your story about how he was able to recoup his full strength. Hopefully, something a little more substantial than "a witch did it".

As someone who thoroughly enjoyed Bayonetta, I'm really diggin' the sun and moon symbols on the hands.

As an aside, this has nothing to do with the critique and just a general question: are there wizards in this world? I know that people like to conflate witches with women and wizards with men, but you don't do that, so do they exist? And how is the distinction made? Or is everyone magical just called a witch?

Nature

The thing about the paper stars intrigued me. I know that Kamith physically needs them for his magic, but it's more than a little obvious that he's personally attached to them. Do you ever explain why in your story? I sure hope so, because even though symbolism is hard to pull off, I really think that a lot can be read into why he chose paper stars as his casting item of choice, and why he's so attached to them.

You say that Kamith is independent, but he tends to hide behind people? He doesn't seem like he comes off as a coward. If it's an anxiety thing. I think I understand, but this just jumped out at me as strange. Did he always do this? Or is it something that he learned to do after getting comfortable around his friends? And even if that's the case, why do it at all? You said in other sections that he's extremely competent at his magic and is defensive of his friends, so wouldn't he be the one leading the pack against threats?

His flaws and prejudices make sense for someone who was raised to be a soldier his whole life and then suddenly left. If I may make a small suggestion, have you ever considered having him suffer from PTSD? It's extremely common not just in soldiers, but in children who have suffered abuse, and Kamith was certainly abused. It would explain why he's so anxious all the time, and may also explain why he instinctively hides behind others despite being confident in his skill.

After reading his personality, it really would make sense if he suffers from PTSD. Just a thought!

Social

No complaints here, very well done. The fact that he is only religious for convenience adds a lot of depth to him, as well as the fact that he no longer supports monarchies.

History

His education shocked me, I will not lie. I really think that you should be more specific about the level of his literacy (or lack thereof). Can he not read at all? Or at a level well below what should be for his age? Can he do basic addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division? Can he write at all? If his education is so lacking, why did no one try to rectify this? Surely it doesn't make sense for a detective agency to hire someone who can't read? Or is he just hired muscle? Don't feel pressured to change this; a character like that can work. It just has to be explained and make sense in the context of the story.

As far as his background, no major complaints. Pretty solid history; I understand exactly who he is and where he came from, and how he got to where he is now.

Very good character; Kamith is definitely interesting! My complaints were relatively minor, so if you do ignore most of them, I don't think he'll suffer too much. I hope I was of help, and please enjoy this complimentary stationary; I'm sure Kamith can make use of it ❤️️

@"Aloe Vera" Sorry for the wait, here we go!

Wow. I…. I got nothin'! I literally have nothing to say. Your character is just, wow. I just wanna…give him a hug, y'know? What I'm trying to say is: SOLID character! All those critiques you put him through must have really helped because while I wouldn't say he's perfect, he's a good freaking character that I would love to read about. His backstory? Interesting! His character design? Interesting! His actual character? Flirts with the stereotypical nerd archetype but twists it in a way that makes sense! The fact that he's still religious after everything he's been through? Excellent gateway for deep character analysis! The fact that he struggles to coexist with humanity after they murdered his whole family, as well as the fact that he wants to save someone's life to give his shell of a life meaning? Mind=blown. Also, I have a soft spot for last-of-their-kind characters who self-medicate the pain with alcohol, because my main character does just that. She has much less self-control, however.

But yeah, I really hope to see Yuki flourish in his own book one day. I know that gushing doesn't do anything to help, but I really couldn't help myself. Any complaints at this point would be extremely minor nitpicks, and I really can't think of a way to make him better. I'm sorry about that, so I hope someone else is out there that'll be able to do such a thankless task. I prescribe this poor man with boundless hugs ❤️️

Demoness Kneesocks, I can't view your character. Make sure that you set the permission to "public", please and thank you. Once you do that, I'll put you next regardless of how many requests I get after you.

@Lightningclaw13 The wait is now over; let's get into it.

I'm a real sucker for Jasmine's design. For one, I like older characters, and two, Jasmine and my main character actually have something in common. My character also has something wrong with her left eye that would frighten anyone who knew about it, so she covers it with an eye patch. She used to use her hair, but it turned out that that wasn't sufficient because her magic is activated whenever she looks at certain people.

But enough of my shameless self-promoting.

Looks

I love tall and curvy women, and the less I say about that, the better.

So she has dyed hair. I know you said that this is a medieval setting with more modern clothes, but how common is hair dying in this world? Does it have anything to do with the Light Being? Is it natural? or did she just decide to dye her hair? Also in medieval times, purple dye (for anything) was an extremely uncommon and extremely expensive commodity reserved only for the wealthiest of families such as nobility and straight up royalty, so does that have any relevance here? Or are all colors just naturally available?

I'm gonna assume that the white splotch over her eyes means that she's been chosen by the Light Being, so I'm gonna treat her as such for the rest of the critique. If I'm wrong, I apologize in advance, so it might be a good idea to indicate that somewhere so that others won't get confused.

Nature

What is hypermobility? I had this question in mind throughout this entire section, so that also might be something that you want to explain somewhere for others' benefit.

Head-tilting and eye-rolling are fine mannerisms, but take care not to use them too much because they can get old and cliche fast. It's something that I too struggle with a lot, so be careful. Also, I think you could add another mannerism or two that is wholly unique to your character; I'm sure that you can think of more that sets her apart from others than just that.

For your motivations, I'm going to assume that she is this way because she is the hero chosen by the Light Being. If that's the case, then that makes sense.

What exactly do you mean by her being "weak"? is she physically weak? Mentally weak? Emotionally? Magically? Also, why is that a flaw in the context of this story? How does her supposed weakness hamper her growth? Other than that, I think that her flaws fit her character.

Her prejudice doesn't make sense to me. Believing that everyone is inherently good is the opposite of a prejudice, last time I checked. Do you mean that because she thinks that everyone is good, she refuses to give up on them which can lead to her putting others in danger? If that's so, that's less a prejudice and more of a character flaw. A prejudice is something that a character dislikes about a person, other people, places, ideas, etc. As the hero chosen by the Light, wouldn't it make sense for her to be prejudiced against the Dark Being and all of Its followers/minions? Maybe that contradicts what you said about her believing that everyone is inherently good, but at least that's something.

Being personable is a good talent that fits Jasmine's character, but I'm once again baffled by what "hypermobility" is supposed to mean in the context of your story. Is it a magical thing?

Her hobbies are good considering she's a housewife, but what exactly does she do to help others? Does she volunteer at shelters? Babysit for her neighbors? Head her child's school PTA and spearheaded a program that makes sure that all children are guaranteed a free lunch? Be more specific about this. Also, even though she's in the home most of the time, there must be something else that she likes to do other than reading that has nothing to do with taking care of her household. And if not, maybe go into the specifics about the kinds of books that she likes to read and why she enjoys them so much. Are they an escape for her? Or does she like to expand her knowledge with them? Or even a bit of both?

She seems like a loving and sweet, motherly character, but if you can help it, try to write out a personality that goes into specifics and doesn't rely on one-word descriptions. talk about how she's optimistic, outgoing, and the like, and if possible, get into why she's this way.

Social

The first thing that jumped out at me (well, not the first thing, but after I read her history and then went back through her sheet, it did) is that she was friends with Tristan, whom I am going to assume is the chosen of the Dark Being. How did that work? Do these "chosen" not have a natural revulsion to each other? This isn't a critique so much as it's a comment about something I was curious about.

Another comment about medieval times, eating pork was generally frowned upon because it tended to make people sick. Even today, pork that isn't thoroughly cooked can lead to contracting Trichinosis which is a nasty little parasite that people back then did not have a reliable way to treat. I say all of this because I see that jasmine's favorite food is bacon, a food item that almost certainly did not exist back then. Once again, how exactly does this world work? And are you absolutely certain that you want to keep it in a medieval setting? Because your characters are pretty modern. Not to say that your new, fictional world has to be 100% period accurate, but if you're going to set it in a specific period, you have to know exactly what parts your keeping and what parts you're throwing out, and then stick to the rules that you lay down ahead of time. Breaking those rules can lead to readers being taken completely out of the story, kind of like how I was when I saw that bacon somehow exists, so just keep that in mind.

Other than that, no major complaints.

History

A 5th-grade education in those times would actually be considered fairly intelligent, and intelligence had to be purchased. Who educated her? Her parents? If so, is her family relatively wealthy? If her parents didn't do it, did they hire a tutor? You should go in-depth about how well-off her family is/was. Peasants were widely illiterate because knowing how to read and write was a) expensive to learn because books were so expensive, and b) completely irrelevant to their lives as mostly farmers.

Her background explains who she is and how she got to be where she is now, which is good, but I think that, as per my above complaint, you should go more in-depth into what kind of family she had.

Misc.

Does Jasmine being bisexual imply that she is or was in love with her friend Karla?

Her back problems under "health problems", you should really explain that because I'm intrigued. Is she sickly? Is this what you meant when you said that she was weak in her flaws? Was she always like this, or did something happen to make her this way? Go into detail about this.

And with that, I'm done. Jasmine can use some work, but she's got the potential to be a good, sympathetic character. It's nice to see the hero for once being an older woman, so I'm definitely rooting for her in that regard. Since she has an actual health condition, I'd like to offer her this back brace. Hopefully, it'll bring her some comfort ❤️️

I´m sorry, it´s public now. Thank you :)

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime Finally getting to you. First, let me say that your book idea is very interesting! I'd love to read something like that one day, and I say that as someone who doesn't do much reading, especially not of YA novels, anymore.

So, on to critique. I have to ask, why did you submit this character to me? Were you just trying to show off? I mean, really? This character is SOLID. Like, I truly can't begin to tell you how much I was nodding my head with every section that I read. It all just clicked! Her motivations made sense, her character design was interesting (you don't really get many overweight Asian characters in good roles), and she is sympathetic for someone in her position.

The only true gripe that I have is her prejudice. You said that she's a communist, but she doesn't like poor people? That doesn't fit to me. The whole point of communism is, as Karl Marx once said: "to each according to his ability, to each according to his needs". That isn't the philosophy of someone who doesn't like the poor, that's the philosophy of someone who believes in their plight. If you mean that she's a hypocrite, then that works, but I couldn't be sure if that's what you were going for.

But really, other than that, 10/10, would recommend! Because your character wasn't sick, there's not much I can give you, so here's your bill ❤️️

Really?? I actually thought she was one of my weaker characters… Thank you so much!! And yeah, you're right about the prejudice. That's definitely a contradiction. I'll need to sit and rethink that. I think maybe what I was getting at was that she dislikes the way poor people in their society are so opposed to the Board. I hope that's what I was getting at, anyway. Thanks again! I'm going to go reevaluate her prejudice/political leaning right now!

Thank you so much for critiquing Kamith! I'll finally settle down and pick his height, and as far as the witch thing goes, there are no wizards. Witch is the term across the board, mostly because I think it evokes a more eerie vibe than wizards, who are often pegged as wise and usually benevolent. I do go into why he uses the stars a bit in the story. Mostly, it's a play off the fact that he holds the moon and the sun in his hands (the symbols), so he completes this by using stars, the only celestial thing missing from his body. On a more personal level, he really uses them because stars are untouchable and powerful. When we wish on a star, the star isn't harmed or changed, unlike owning a rabbit's foot or blowing dandelion, and in some ways he wants to be closer to the stars than things that get destroyed by other people. I totally forgot to put the PTSD thing down in his character, because he definitely has that. Hiding behind people he trusts is a new thing for him, and he does it because he's jumpy and has never been the leader of a group, always a follower, so it allows the person in front of him to take charge in the conflict. It's not fear so much as "I don't know how not to be a follower/soldier, so this is me handing the situation over to you". His education is very low level and he was never concerned with it, so he always refused help with people who tried to teach him. But yeah, he's just hired muscle. A witch is pretty good to have on hand.
Once again, thank you! I don't know if it's okay to submit another character…? I'd love to see your opinion on a few more, but I don't want to clog up your critiques, so thank you for now!

@Snowmirror You can submit as many characters as you want as long as you do it one at a time. I wanna make sure that I get to other people, too.

@Lightningclaw13 I don't usually make follow-up comments here, but I had to for this:

I totally called the back pain due to chest thing! I didn't wanna say anything because I didn't want to be vulgar, but I had a feeling that that was the case lol

Ok @"Demoness Kneesocks" (glad you got an @ for your username btw), let's take a look at Alanna:

First off, let me say that I love her monster design! Have you ever played Final Fantasy 7? Cuz I'm getting some Jenova vibes from her, especially with the tentacle coming out of her stomach. If you want a little more design help, I have this old fanart of Jenova that I found on the Internet years ago that you can use for reference. It's more of an aquatic monster design, but I think it might be able to help you out still. If you need it, of course; I think she looks pretty rad.

Do people still say rad? Whatever.

But I do wanna point something out. Your story sounds incredibly interesting, and writing stories from the perspective of the monster is a good choice. However, I have to warn you: your readers are human. I know that I'm pointing out the obvious, but hear me out. One thing that's a struggle for authors of books with monster protagonists is that they find it difficult to balance their monster's perspective with a human one. Casual readers feel alienated when they read about things that they can't relate to, which is why you'll always find at least one sympathetic human character in a monster/alien story. I noticed that after Alana's love dies, she vows to swear off humanity forever, which while interesting, might hurt your book if there are no more sympathetic humans. As I said, readers find it difficult to relate to non-human beings, especially non-human beings that kill humans, and especially especially if that non-human being is female. I hate to say it, but it's the reality: readers still find it difficult to sympathize with female characters, and that goes doubly so for female characters who are older. Throw in the fact that she's a literal man-eater and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster. I don't say this to discourage you; I just want you to be aware of the risks. If you haven't already done so, I think you would find it beneficial to throw in a token human or two. Maybe not another love interest, but at least a close friend.

But I'm not your editor, so on to the critique:

Looks

The first thing that jumped out at me was her height. I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you didn't actually mean that she the Imperial equivalent of less than a foot tall, right? Since I'm pretty sure you meant "meters", I see that she's average height and kind of stocky, which is what you described in her body type. Her making herself look attractive to ensnare her prey is a fine touch.

As I said earlier, excellent monster design. Her human facade is good, too.

Nature

I like that she bites a pencil even when she's typing on a computer. It's a unique trait, but I still have to ask: why does she do it? Unique as it is, it's rather strange. Is it a succubus thing? Does she have an oral fixation and always finds herself chewing things when she's idle? The rest of her mannerisms are pretty solid.

Her motives make sense for what she's been through, so no complaints here.

Good flaws, too. I find motherly characters easy to write. While it's easy to make them cliche, you avoid this just by the mere fact that she's not human.

Her prejudices also make sense for someone who's been through what she has. Taking everything that I wrote above into account, does she ever grow out of this? The point of prejudices and flaws is that it forces the character to learn and grow throughout the story. If they don't, then they remain stagnant until the very end, and that is the first step in fumbling a story. Let's grab some low-hanging fruit here and pick on Bella Swan from Twilight for comparison's sake. Bella's flaws are made clear at the beginning of the story, and I'm not talking about her clumsiness. She's overly-critical, she's clingy, and she's selfish, to name a few. But she never changes throughout the saga, does she? If anything, she just becomes even more of these things, and that is one of the main reasons for why the books were so badly written.

Her talents and hobbies are all typical mom behavior, which is good. Her personality is also good.

Now that I've gotten through the "nature" section, I can bring up the fact that there's nothing here that indicates that she wants to return to an older time. I understand now that that "older time" is her relationship with her parents and how she felt about her lost love, but she doesn't act like someone who's stuck in the past. In fact, she acts the exact opposite. She's become cynical and has completely washed her hands of humanity. She only seems to care about her son and her friends, and she's dedicated to raising her son to hate his humanity as much as she does. If she were still pining, she would be more likely to embrace humanity, even at the detriment of her relationships with her fellow succubi, and she would be obsessed with having her son embrace his humanity.

Social

No complaints, and specifying which parts of her victims that she enjoys the most is a good, albeit gruesome, touch.

History

Does she not have a birthday? Or does your world run on an entirely different system than the real world?

Other than that, solid background. I really got a feel for what your character is about and how she got to her current position.

In conclusion, good character, but I think you failed in your objective that you laid out for me. I suggest that you go back and tweak her a bit so that she more closely fits what you want her to be. You could also abandon that objective because she's a rather solid character as she is now. Just fix her admittedly minor problems, and she's golden. Here's a stethoscope to help her listen to her broken heart ❤️️

@"Aloe Vera" Yes, Yuki touched my heart; I really do wish him the best. But a word of advice: no character is uncritique-able. I've noticed that you've put him through the ringer, which is good. But like running clothing too many time through the wash, his character can start to fray and you'll lose sight of what makes him who he is. Striving for perfection is a noble goal, but it is something that must always be worked towards, never obtained, or else you'll be stuck with a rigid character who's good in concept, but nothing more.

Got it! So then, if you wouldn't mind, this is another main character in the same world as Kamith! Her name is Anput, and she works as one of the detectives in the story. Of all the characters I've written, I struggle with her the most. I feel like she's very bland and under developed, or at least not intriguing, so I would love some input!

Thank you the input. I know the story from the monster perspective isn´t that appealing but in all honesty that´s just how I want it to be, to try and make the reader feel like a Myth and not a human until they think "wait a minute, why am I on the side of man-eating monsters?". I do have a liking for horror monsters so it´s definitely that side of me showing its colors.

I was planning on making her evolve through the middle to the end of the story and grow out of her "hating humanity" you pointed out but I fear I made it seem overboard. She doesn´t despise humans, but believes they´re too different to be able to get along, with the food chain and all and will ignore previous feelings from her late lover. Along the way her son will act as a balance to this in a way he still views humans as prey but will do his best to balance out this relationship/food chain.

For going back to the "good old days" I meant she´s still a bit childish even though her son is 12. Her MO for catching humans hasn´t changed since her youth and that keeps her grounded with a basic routine she´s familiar with. She can also be selfish as in manipulating people and not wanting to change her views, kind of like a stubborn teen/young adult. Drinking is also a way to cling to a past where she was still free of responsibilities (oops forgot to mention she will sometimes leave Alex with someone else to do this, but always has regrets later but the cycle always ends up repeating). I wanted to make obvious she wan´t prepared at first and still doesn´t have some things pinned down and does regret her actions and in the future will have a talk with her son about how this has had an effect on his development and their relationship.
As for the pencil she used to drift off in high school and write instead of taking notes (I´ll make sure to add this to the bio).

For human tokens I do have at least two planned out, one for a coroner that helps cover up the Myth activity and a future love interest for a Myth character.

…I will admit that I forgot her birthday lol.

In any case thank you for the input and I will improve on Alana.

I must say, gang, this is a lot of fun. I'm so glad that you all have been so receptive to what I have to say, even when what I have to say is not necessarily what you might have wanted to hear. No one wants to be told that aspects of their character don't work, so I've tried to tailor my responses in a way that is critical, but fair and helpful. I know that I'm just a random stranger on the internet, but I've been around the block a few times and I wanted to share what I've learned with you. I really love character building and I wanted to share my love with you, so thank you for allowing me to ❤️️

Don't worry, this isn't a goodbye speech or anything, so keep 'em coming!

Also, a little bit of housekeeping: In light of recent events, if you have issues with what I had to say, please feel free to inbox me. I understand that I'm not perfect. After all, I am a random stranger on the internet, and if you feel that I got something critically wrong, let me know! I'm more than happy to go over things with a fine-toothed comb with your guidance. In fact, that's kinda what I prefer to do because it can be difficult to translate intent, which is a lot more fluid, onto a rigid character sheet. Likewise, if you have any questions or you need a little more insight into what I was thinking while I was critiquing your character, don't be afraid to let me know. I prefer it in my inbox only because I don't want this thread to get too cluttered; I do a lot of scrolling because I like to take into account the blurb that you wrote for me while I'm looking through characters, and that's difficult to do when there are 20 messages in between that and my reply.

Thank you all for your time, and happy writing ❤️️

Lilith: Lilith
(Villains are always tricky for me)

Blurb: "Noriko" takes place in another planet with a futuristic and magical society quite similar to ours. An academy for people with abilities is set up by a comic book nerd who inherited control over the military by his late father. A year later they are sent out to eradicate a threat that could be easily defeated by the army. Just as they do their superhero pose the military stages a coup against the Nerd and defeats the threat with the army. Many of the applicants are wealthy and influential so in order to appease their family's wrath they make the applicants legalised bounty hunters and adventurers and set aside for future use by the government (though they never intend to actually use them). The story follows one group of adventurers formed by the protagonist and her 4 friends, their exploits, adventures, romantic dramas, normal dramas and teen angst all while a threat from the protagonist's past resurfaces for revenge.

@Snowmirror The wait is now over, so let's take a look at Anput.

Looks

The least interesting? She's a girl with a jackal for a head! If that's not interesting, then what is? Seriously, that is a very interesting design choice and something that you definitely don't see every day. When most people think about animal people, they either think "cute waifu anime girl with ears and a tail" or "sexy furry anthropomorphic animal" so you have no idea how refreshing it is to see an animal person design that is not inherently sexual.

Because Anput's race is so different, I think putting her weight is important. Are Inpu naturally heavier than humans? Lighter? Or is their weight generally on par with humans of the same size?

Also, not a critique but just a suggestion: I think you should put an identifying mark that's inherent to her race like how Kamith has his sun and moon marks. It'll make Anput more visually interesting, and distinguish her from others of her race. I popped over to the Inpu's page, and I see that they all are relatively similar, so I think Anput needs something that helps her stand out. Some jewelry? A tattoo? Maybe a scar that she received as she was escaping from her country?

Nature

Her mannerisms are good, but I was wondering about her patting her dress: what exactly does that mean? Not to say it's bad, but I just can't picture it in my head.

Her motives, what sense of justice did she develop? Does she want revenge? Does she now think that killing enemies is wrong? This is the part where your character breaks down somewhat. She's a main character, so unless this is a character-driven story with a plot that is only designed to further the characters, Anput really needs a motive that drives her character towards a goal. I know that she hates her government, but what of it? Does she want revenge against them? Does she think that it's corrupt and wants it overthrown? Think of motivations as the driving force of a character in a story towards a tangible goal. By the stories end, where will she end up? What would she have accomplished, or even failed to do? This is especially important when there are multiple main characters at once; if one doesn't have any goals, the other characters will overtake her in importance and precedence, and she'll just fade into the background. The motives that she has now are too vague to be anything that is driving her towards something. They make sense from a character perspective, but from a story perspective, she needs something more concrete.

In what ways is she self-righteous, as in, what exactly does she believe that she thinks that others would benefit from if only they'd just listen to her? And in what ways is she hypocritical? I saw that even though she dislikes her government, she's still fond of her country, so that's something, but is there anything else? Just explain that, and her flaws are golden.

It's just my opinion, but I think her prejudice would be more streamlined and make more sense in you just said that she distrusts government in general. It would make sense for her character. After all, she doesn't trust Seamline or the Wilds, and she ran away from her own government after what they did to her mother, so I don't see a character like that trusting anyone.

What about detective work is she good at? While I only know about it from Batman and Detective Pikachu, I know that quite a bit goes into it. Is she good at interrogating people? Sniffing out clues (pun totally intended)? Deductive reasoning? Be a bit more specific. Also, does her talent for embalming ever come in handy in her line of work? I don't see how it could, but if I may I wanna make a suggestion. You know what other skill that she would have most likely learned as an embalmer? How to prep a dead body. And you know what that would help with? Identifying causes of death.

No complaints about her hobbies.

You said that she's naturally kind and generous, but she's also fake; how does that work? Does she overcompensate to make people like her more? I know that you said that she has a hard time maintaining this around people that she doesn't like, but that's true for anyone, so there must be something more to it if she can reasonably be described as "fake". All other problems that I had in her flaws also apply here. Other than that, she has a strong personality; she just needs a solid framework to hang it on, that framework being her primary objective.

Social

Is there something special about the flower crystal? I saw on its item page that it was given to her by someone important to her, but does it do anything? Does she do anything with it?

She's a jackal-headed former priestess of a death god who shoots guns? In the 1910s? Where do I get in line to pre-order? Seriously, make this girl the badass that I know she is! Give her a warrior culture schtick or something. I know it's a little cliche, but honestly, at this point, her character could benefit from a cliche or two.

Also, as an aside, do normal humans exist in this world and does this detective agency interact with them? I'm gonna assume that it does, and I apologize if I was already supposed to know this, I forgot something in between critiques. But if so, what trials and tribulations does Anput face being so obviously abnormal? And even among magical kind, does she ever face any prejudice or downright racism? How does she move among normal people? Does she have to wear a hood? Is there a magical glamour that makes her seem human? How does she feel about her appearance? is she proud of her looks and doesn't care what anyone else thinks? Or does she sometimes feel like a freak? What are the beauty standards of her race? Would she have been considered beautiful to her people? If so, is there any dissonance that she has to endure living among people who might not think the same? Just some food for thought.

History

Solid. That's a backstory is I ever saw one. Having to embalm one's own mother? Couldn't be me. A+!

So all in all, Anput is a good character, but I think the problem that you're having is that she doesn't have a solid motivation that makes her relevant to not just the plot, but her own group of partners/friends. What goals are they working towards, and how does her goal differ from it? Therein lies the drama, and as we all know, stories are driven by drama. Now, I don't wanna be insensitive to Anput and her kind, so I'm not gonna give her something like dog treats or a bone. Inpu are people, so I'll give her this flower sticker since she seems to like them ❤️️

@Syguy20132 Seriously, you have a talent for writing summaries because your blurbs are always short, sweet, punchy, and to the point.

But speaking of the point, about Levi, there's almost nothing in her character sheet. I understand that you're working on him, but I can't invent a whole character for you since I don't know exactly what kind of person that you want him to be. I mean, I could, and if that's what you want me to do, then I'd be more than happy to. I have over 140 unique characters under my belt, and that's just for a single universe, so if you want a character-creating machine, I'm as close as you're gonna get. But you gotta specify exactly what you want from me because I can't create something from nothing.

In the meantime, I'll critique the only two things that I can, his looks and his history, but I do hope that you resubmit him to me after you've worked on him a little bit more.

Looks

Right now, he's very generic. There's not much that distinguished him any run-of-the-mill white guy with brown hair. How tall is he? What's his body type? Anything? This character needs a lot of work.

History

His backstory reminds me of a Stephen King protagonist, so if that's what you were going for, you nailed it. The only thing I think can be improved is if you mention where or how he got/discovered his psychic powers since that's more relevant to his character.

So yeah, that's all I can really do. I hope you finish him soon.

Ok, Rory, I tried. I swear I did, but I'm having so much trouble understanding the correlation between your universe and the literal devil that I don't think I can properly do this. I want to help you, but I think I'm gonna need a little bit more than what your blurb provided me. Why is the devil in your story, specifically? What was the thought process behind putting him, and by extension, his wife, in the main antagonistic role? If you help me out, I think I can help you. But only then. I'm very sorry about that, but I'm only human.

Can you do my main?Invalid Character

Summary wise- she's from a universe that's both modern and medieval in a sense. As there is kingdoms but also advanced technology and such. In this universe there are magical creatures along with humans.

Ok, Rory, I tried. I swear I did, but I'm having so much trouble understanding the correlation between your universe and the literal devil that I don't think I can properly do this. I want to help you, but I think I'm gonna need a little bit more than what your blurb provided me. Why is the devil in your story, specifically? What was the thought process behind putting him, and by extension, his wife, in the main antagonistic role? If you help me out, I think I can help you. But only then. I'm very sorry about that, but I'm only human.

Oh I'm so sorry. The devil isn't the main antagonist, people generally accept his existence more than in our universe and he embodies impurity but he has little dominion over the mortal plane because it would require too much energy to travel from Hell to the planet where 'Noriko' is based. So instead he has arch demons (such as his wife/concubine Lilith) to send into the mortal plane (via rituals by devout worshippers) and wreak havoc. I didn't want the Big Man himself to be the villain because that would be boring, demons in my story aren't just little balls of evil, they have emotions and nice parts to them and start out decent but are corrupted by being in Hell for so long. Years of being second best to Satan and being used for nothing but his pleasure has embittered Lilith and she doesn't just want to be the succubus/sex demon anymore, sure she uses sex as a weapon but only to revitalise herself and she doesn't want to be a male fantasy, she wants to be Queen of Hell. Unfortunately she first had to prove herself to Satan after a betrayal (mentioned in her background) and tried to kill the Hamadas, she succeeded in killing the father but the mother sacrificed herself to destroy Lilith. Years of being trapped in her incorporeal form made her obsess over Noriko, the Hamada who hadn't been killed. I thought it would be interesting to show Lilith as a demon who is only the way she is because of Satan's abuse, not because of her status as a demon, and that she can be sympathetic.

Rory, I understand the character, but in what seems to be a more of a science fiction adventure, do you really think that the Devil/demons are a good fit for it? Maybe it would make more sense in context, but for now, I'm just not seeing it. Lilith as a character is fine, and if this was a different kind of story, then it would be ok. But she really seems so out of place in the universe. Maybe it's just a hurdle that I personally can't get over, but I really think that you should think long and hard about if it's really, truly necessary to have this kind of character in your story. Don't get me wrong, it's a unique concept, but not all genre mashups are peanut butter and chocolate if you get my drift.

@Lightningclaw13 STOP, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Immediately I saw that you made Tristian, the antagonist character, darker than Jasmine, your protagonist. The good=white and bad=dark is such a tired and played out dichotomy trope, and it's actually quite offensive. I know that you didn't mean to do this, but I would really go back and change it if I were you. In fact, I strongly recommend it.

In fact, I looked at as many of your characters as I could, and I see that most of the bad guys are darker skinned than the good guys, and that is no bueno. That is really all I can say. Before you do anything to fix your characters, you should really fix that, because it's 2018 and I thought we were off of that by now.