language
Day by day,
Minute by minute,
I notice the ends of my mind begin
to fray,
I donβt know what it is,
Why I was made this way.
My will to live slowly fades
Ever so surely,
It fades away.
I havenβt died yet,
Nor do I have a date set.
But I know without a doubt,
That I will not live to see my heart
give out.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with school.
I wouldn't say that I'm smart.
I don't retain a lot of the information I need to.
I forget basic things I learnt years ago that everyone still knows.
I have no motivation.
There's subjects I just want to drop but I don't have anything to replace it with.
I don't feel smart.
I don't feel like I'm going to pass many of my subjects.
But if I want to do what I want to do, I'm gonna have to push through it.
And that's hard.
Day by day,
Minute by minute,
I notice the ends of my mind begin
to fray,
I donβt know what it is,
Why I was made this way.
My will to live slowly fades
Ever so surely,
It fades away.
I havenβt died yet,
Nor do I have a date set.
But I know without a doubt,
That I will not live to see my heart
give out.
(This is beautifully written)
language
(This is beautifully written)
(Thank you.)
language
Here I stand at your grave
How can I be this brave?
To carry on in life so lost
I never wanted this, but I paid the cost
I should never came this close
It always happens to the ones I love most
Death is what hurts, not sticks and stones
I believed in you my dear
Crime here has fallen and rose
Not much without you, I suppose
What carries on will be your name
Bringing courage and hope, not shame
Madelyn misses you too, I hear
Her little sister dear.
I would of taken your fall instead.
And one more favor, please, just-
Donβt be dead.
I want someone who can read me like a book.
I want someone who can know when I'm struggling and wordlessly comfort me.
I want someone who can make me feel whole.
I want someone who can make me feel like I'm not worthless.
And it will never happen.
two girls walk into a party
I remember singing along
the one that gets noticed isn't me
at the time, I thought I was in love
I'm holding on, but barely
I wasn't - I was the loneliest I'd ever been
plagued by teenage popularity
my 'lover' only cared for me as far as I could help them
it's a terrible feeling, being the ghost on the wall
I felt myself falling away, and so I sang along
that's always disappearing
but my friend, she looked at me
cause I wanna be somebody to someone
she said, "you can't sing that"
but it all is starting to blur
"you have somebody"
like a dream
but I didn't.
(i know this isn't mine but i kinda want to share it anyway)
Limitless - dodie
Have you tried the cake?
It's good.
Maybe you're thinking;
I've already eaten
or
I want to dance later
and
don't want to feel bloated,
maybe you're thinking;
I'm on a diet.
But then how many times
will you be offered a piece of
cake as delicious as this?
Perhaps two or three times a year,
if you're lucky.
Over the course of your life,
maybe two hundred times.
And how many times will you refuse?
How many times will you go
skinny dipping in the moonlight?
Maybe sevenβ¦
If you're lucky.
How many times will you lie on your back
in the grass and watch the stars?
How many times will you let yourself be
completely overwhelmed by the great
inconceivable expanse of the universe?
There are only so many chances to take.
And of course, you don't know
when it will end.
So it all feels limitless.
"Cups"
The broken glass
drifts apart.
The liquid once inside,
pulling it away.
Too late to save it.
All that's left to throw it away.
Worthless like the last one.
Too fragile. Should've been plastic.
Dropped so many times. Without shattering.
Bouncing against the floor
one,
two,
three,
four times, before you pick it back up.
Unsure of when it will be dropped again.
But always ready for it. Ready for your recklessness.
Because you could never be careful.
Because you could never be careful.
Because you never cared.
I don't watch The Midnight Gospel (though I wish I could) but I just saw this excerpt from it. The audio used was taken from a real podcast, an interview by a man with his mother. I'm gunna be thinking about this for a long time.
Will I ever matter to anyone?
I've lost almost all my close friends.
Everyone I thought was close has stabbed me in the back.
Sometimes we make amends, but it's never the same.
And what happened to my former best friend?
She's a whole new person, and not in a good way.
She never laughs anymore and shuns the things she used to love.
What if I'm that way too?
How many of my own flaws can I not see?
Am I annoying?
I think I'm clingy.
When I find someone that wants me I get clingy because it's so rare.
Does everyone secretly hate me?
I feel like they do.
Even I hate me.
How hard is it to end a life?
Not someone else's, that's murder.
But my own.
Would anyone be sad?
Would anyone care?
Or would they say "We never liked her anyway" and move on?
I just want someone who loves me unconditionally who isn't my mom.
Will I ever find love?
I know I'm young, and I've still got plenty of time for that.
After all, my parents were older when they were married.
But I just want someone perfect.
Someone who
Doesn't
Exist.
I'm being forced to grow up too fast.
I guess that's how it is when you're the oldest kid.
Always caring for the younger kids.
Parents working on the weekdays.
I don't have many friends.
They usually turn out to be jerks anyway.
Do they really hate me that much?
I'm usually hiding in my room.
If they can't see your pain,
Then it doesn't exist,
Right?
Maybe I should just run away.
Run away and never come back.
Ha.
Pathetic.
I look like I'm straight from a drama.
Messy hair,
Glossy eyes,
Showy top.
A weak, pathetic little girl.
That's all I see when I look in the mirror.
When you're dead, who gives a shit?
idk, I was watching an animatic with this song and it justβ¦hit me.
school
oh, this seems like a good place to share random things that pop into my head-
ig ill start with a small thing, not much
i wonder if you'll forgive me
after what i did
i hope we'll still stay in touch
i hope, i hope
pfft, they're just hopes
not like they'll ever become reality
all i can do is just sit and wait
waiting for a response
that may never come
but,
seeing as you're not exactly in a position to come online at all rn
after what happened
i'll let it go
feel free to ignore me if you wish
but just know
that i'll always be here,
if you decide to come back
I'm sorry,
truly,
that I could never save you.
I've failed again.
It hurts me to know it.
You're gone
so far
away
and I'm here
all alone
with my thoughts.
I wish I could've held you
one more time.
I wish could've told you
everything
would be alright.
I wish you would've stayed
with me.
And smiled with me
again.
But at the end of the day,
you're still gone.
And I'm alone.
You're never coming back.
And it's more
than I
can take.
Each time I think of you
my heart
begins
to break.
And I just can't get you out of my head.
Because I miss you.
I mean it.
I miss you, my friend.
This feeling.
It's strange, truly. But not quite foreign. I've felt it so many times, but still, I haven't a clue how to deal with it. Nothing seems to work, of all the things I've tried. Not pain, not conversation. Though each time, I go back to it. Because it's all I have that I can do. That is, without causing great grief to someone else. Even when it goes away, for the small time it does, it always returns. Just like moth to a flame.
Even when I say I'm doing alright, when I actually am, and when I'm having a good day, something goes wrong. I can never prevent it. I feel so thoroughly hopeless. I just want to look in the mirror without crying and being disgusted. I just want to hear myself without wanting to tear out my vocal cords. I don't want to have to sell myself to live. I don't want all the painful memories stored in my mind. Basic, right? I'm just like anyone else. Who the fuck would want their bad memories? But that's not what matters.
My regrets, my bad choices, and things I can't control are just kicking me in the ass. I don't want to think about my father, but he always comes back in my memories. I wish my mother never left, but she did, and I couldn't stop her. I wish that I was there more for my friends, but I wasn't, and now they're gone. I can hardly talk to people without tripping over my words, not because I have a stutter or a speech impediment, but because I'm just scared. And the only job I managed to land is one I hate, one that makes me feel disgusted with myself.
I suppose that's enough though. I'll stop talking now. I'm probably just wasting my time.
There's something odd about the desert after a thunderstorm. It's as if the desert is offended that the gift it's gone so long without has been taken away so suddenly. Every green thing becomes greener with jealousy and every orange thing becomes fiery with rage. The air smells like blood. The fluctuating temperatures put you in a haze, making everyone suspicious. The birds walk on the sidewalks and the plants reach out for more, more. Water in the form of humidity lingers above the ground, teasing. The skies are dark, the wind confused. The sand sad and forgotten.
The thing about life is that it never truly lets go. It's a riptide that you can never escape from - not by a lifeguard, not by calm waters, not even by death - you just keep getting pulled under and out and over and left and right and it never lets you just die. You think you're finally escaping and then it pulls you back under. You think you might stay underwater, but then it pulls you back up. Life tries desperately to keep you alive, but then immediately tells you you'd be better off dead. And the riptide just becomes stronger and stronger and life supplies the opposite of what you want.
You want to be happy? Well, your sister just got admitted to hospital, happy now?
You want to die? Well, someone just committed suicide. Look at the heartache. Look at the pain you'll cause people. Do you still want to die?
You want to live? Well, you have a fatal heart disease. You have to regulate everything you do so your heart doesn't stop. Do you still want to live?
You want love? Well, half of your friends are suicidal. Most of them rely on you like a roof relies on walls. But the moment you lean on them, the moment you mess up, the moment they find someone else, they drop you like you burnt them. Do you feel loved now?
Tell me, do you feel happy? Do you feel loved? Do you want to live? Do you want to die?
Well, no matter what you feel, it doesn't matter.
Other people are happy, so you should be. Other people are sad, so you need to make them happy. Other people are loved, so you can be too. Other people aren't loved, so you need to love them. Other people want to live, so you shouldn't make them live without you. Other people want to die, so you need to stay alive for them. Other people need things, so you don't deserve to want things.
I thought of something,
Just the other day.
I posted it with confidence.
But then I thought,
Who would care?
It's just me,
I should already know that it's pointless.
But my mind,
keeps lagging behind.
I deleted it a second later,
So no one would see.
school
(hey- you alright there?)
hey there-
this might be kinda awkward
but i also might not send it to you,
so who cares at this point?
i forgive you
not because you apologised or anything
not because we talked it out or anything like that
but because i simply feel that my soul needs a break
it can't handle being angry at people for so long
it can only take feelings of intense anger for awhile
so i forgive you
because my soul needs a break.
you know,
that day
when i found out
i was devastated
heartbroken
angry
i felt betrayed
and this picture right about now (i'm transcripting it) pretty much summed up my feelings that day:
I wish that I had
never met you
Then there would be no need to impress you
No need to want you. No need for loving you
No need for crying over you. No need for
heartbreaks. No need for pain or tears. No
need for forgotten promises. No need for
rejected hugs. No need for crying myself
to sleep. No need for acting like you care.
No need, for everything you've done to
make me feel like absolutely nothing.
sometimes i wonder if i'm even good enough
as a teenager nearing adulthood, it's become a very prominent thought in my mind
as my friends start to get boyfriends and girlfriends, it makes me feel more lonely
i just want the relationship
someone who can hold me when i'm down
someone who will be there no matter what
someone who will follow me through life even when my friends leave
i just want someone who can let me be me
more me than i am with my friends
and as i'm getting older, i feel less and less like that will happen
no one seems to take any interest in me
i feel uglier and uglier by the day because i'm never ever told i'm pretty
and a sincere pretty, not some general bullshit that you see on tik tok
the first boyfriend i ever had was never really my boyfriend
for like 6 months when i was 13, i was under the impression that we were dating
and then i find out from a mutual friend that that wasn't true, that i didn't pass his dad's test
i was fucking 13 and i still wasn't good enough then
i just feel so fucking useless
so fucking unloved
so fucking unwanted
so fucking lonely
and every day, i feel like i'm never ever gonna be happy
