Your Personal Venting Space 3: Tokyo Drift

sounds like the science may have messed with your brain a bit
but the creation still lurks
it’s trying to make you forget so you can’t prepare yourself to stop its inevitable attack

I just woke up and I can't really see bu t I think we're allx saying i love you to Dom, and I will take every opportunity to say that so I love you Dommmmmm you're neato

Me 4 years ago: if anything that’s even remotely touched acetone, rubbing alcohol, pesticide, cleaner, or any other dangerous substance goes anywhere near me I will scrub my entire body down with lye-free soap and not leave my bed for a day to be safe

Me now: haha chemical burn go aaaaa

So there's a possibility that some of the writing I did in like sixth grade that I thought I had lost forever in a computer crash might actually be recoverable, because it might have uploaded to the cloud or onto a spare harddrive at some point and I'm super excited?? Like, some of this stuff was the earliest draft for a story that I ever did. The thing that first got me into writing. And while I know I'm going to cringe the entire time, I'm also like… really excited and hopeful?? So yeah

Honestly mood. I'm very thankful that my very first bit of creative writing has been lost to history, but I hope that yours sucks less!!

I mean I know I'm gonna cringe while reading, but like…I'm still excited

dom, I am yelling "fuck you" in your direction with more love than usual

good news: i’ve discovered it’s not the meds making me weak, so I can start taking them normally
bad news: that means I have nothing to take away, nothing to fix this, the problem here is me.
I could attempt to use more physical restraints to try and force me forever into safety but mom took away my knife, cancer isn’t worth it, superglue isn’t permanent enough, and I don’t have any numbing stuff to make it easier if I had to resort to fabric scissors
I’m not sure what to do… I don’t want to tell anyone because they would try and change me, make me give up on my promise, and I can’t have that, I’ll never be like them for as long as I live-

I'm confused

not really any specific thoughts, more like the stubbornness and determination that’s kept me from allowing myself to be too vulnerable around people, physically or emotionally

it’s hard to explain but it makes sense to me

ella
if you get any urges again
put an ice cub against your wrist, you can put some red paint on it if you like the look of blood
or bite a lemon that shit hurts
both help me when I'm having bad days

or bite a lemon that shit hurts

Me, who does this for fun:

Ella, I know these feelings are very real. But it's important to acknowledge that they are just that, feelings. They aren't reality, rather a reflection of how you perceive reality. Maybe acknowledging that is a good first step. Keep taking your meds, take good care of yourself. Eat and drink well. Nourish your friendships and family relationships. Do what you can.

did I just buy a dupe strawberry dress? Yes, yes I did

omg luckky they're so cute

yall be confusing me with your 25 daily name changes

Ella's makes me feel visceral fear and disgust

thanks
I already have my next one picked and it’s worse