Zack slowly took his hand back from the Human and turned his body so he was facing the couch, squeezing his eyes shut. He was still exhausted, but that hadn’t stopped memories from last night from resurfacing. He felt terrible all around for it. He didn’t even deserve his smol mate boi’s hand holding.
Bryn whimpered on the floor, curling up into a tiny ball. He'd given most of the blankets to Zack becuase he'd been so curled up and grumpy last night, leaving himself with only a sheet and a couple of lumpy pillows. It obviously wasn't comfortable, especially when Zack wasn't there to hold him.
Zack tossed the extra blankets down on him so he himself could curl up better against the cushions, leaning his head on the pillow that was received and shutting his eyes again, his brain still throbbing behind his eyes. He had no idea what was going to happen today, especially considering that Bryn was staying home.
Bryn curled into the blankets happily, but he still didn't seem content. He tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable after so many days of sleeping next to a warm body. He whined softly, pressing himself up against the bottom of the couch for some kind of contact.
The couch was just a couch, after all, and didn’t help much at all with contact to his boyfriend. Zack wasn’t really in the mood for it, anyway, as he curled up by himself, squeezing his eyes shut harder against the throbs of his head. He swallowed heavily, willing the aspirin to work faster.
Bryn woke up half an hour later with a soft groan, sore and uncomfortable. His back ached from sleeping on nothing but a sheet and his stomach felt topsy turvy from his encounter with Zack last night. He still seemed closed off, was he mad? Upset? Hurting? It was hard to tell, so he rolled over on his belly and peeked up at the couch. "Zack, babe, are you doing okay?"
Half an hour later Zack didn’t feel much better, but he didn’t feel worse, which was probably a good thing. He started a little at Bryn’s voice and just kept his eyes closed, acting like he was asleep. He wasn’t in the mood to do anything right now. Especially being called babe by his probably horrified boyfriend.
Did Bryn feel shitty? Yes. Was he upset or horrified or angry? No. Part of it was being used to guys ignoring the little signals, the soft no's, and part of it was knowing that Zack had been drunk off his ass and that he'd stayed down when Bryn pushed him away. Bryn perched at the foot of the couch, watching him nap. "Still asleep, huh?" He reached forward to brush some of the hair out of his eyes. "God, you're gonna hate yourself when you wake up."
Zack thanked his lucky stars that Bryn hadn’t noticed the empty cup of water on the table next to the still-open bottle of aspirin. He was tempted to jerk his head away from Bryn’s hand, still feeling nasty and unworthy of even the smallest of touches from his lover. But he curled up tighter to avoid the brush to his eyes, focusing on his breath and keeping it slow.
Bryn frowned, sighing softly. "You were like that last night too," he said softly, withdrawing his hand like he'd been burnt. "Even in your sleep, you won't touch me. Am I really that disgusting? Did I fuck up so badly last night?" His gaze was soft on Zack's face as he talked to himself.
“It wasn’t you,” He said quietly in a hoarse voice. “Just-just…” He didn’t want to completely dismiss the other, that would make it sound like he actually did do something wrong. “Just forget about me for now.” He curled up tighter and pulled the sheet over his face.
Bryn startled when Zack spoke, wincing when he realized he'd heard… that little episode. His face tightened when he heard Zack's answer, tears stinging his eyes. He blinked them away, taking a wavering breath before he spoke. "Yeah, of course. Stupid of me to think you'd want anything to do with me once you woke up." He stood, hurrying up the stairs so he could break down in the privacy of his bedroom.
Zack shook his head a little and sighed, keeping his eyes closed and not moving. Humans were impossible. It was his fault for getting drunk and feeling Bryn up, and he was quite sure a Demon would have agreed with him on that, and just understood that he wanted to be left alone. If Bryn left him, honestly, Zack wouldn’t be too offended by that. One thing Demons weren’t used to were random emotions sprouting up, and Zack couldn’t help but miss that. Just a little.
Bryn held it together for as long as he could, clutching weakly at one of his pillows so he could pretend he had someone to hold. His breaths were quick and panicky and soon he was muffling his tears into the pillow so he wouldn't make any noise. Zack had been scummy the night before, sure, but… Bryn still wanted him around. He'd rather be crying on Zack's shoulder than happy without him. But Zack didn't want to look at him or talk to him or touch him, so that was all… impossible.
Maybe it just wasn't smart to come down here with a Human. He could tell the other was sorely homesick and just ecstatically out of place, and it sort of hurt to watch and feel, while the other just acted like he was there for Zack. He would gladly go back and drop the other off again. He didn’t mind living alone, unlike many other Demons he knew. Because Zack was used to living alone. And that was the final statement.
Bryn was used to living alone too, but he hated it. He was a social creature, he liked having a network. He liked the quiet camaraderie of sharing a home with another person. And most of all, he'd be devastated if Zack wanted him to leave. He'd understand it, but it would still crush what was left of his self-confidence into tiny pieces. He muffled his sobs into the pillow, but he could hear them echoing in his ears and he hated the noise. He hated that he was crying over this. He hated that he'd never be good enough for anything that he actually wanted.
Zack sighed faintly into the cushions of the couch and stirred a little, slowly standing up. He took two more aspirin for the headache he was assured he would get after trying to help his mate and started upstairs, still curled up into his blanket, which flicked out behind him like a robe. He didn’t bother knocking on the door, but he did crack it open to peer inside.
“Look, Bryn, I’m sorry,” He murmured faintly. “I didn’t want you to take it like that.”
Bryn was still hugging the pillow, trying to remember how Zack calmed him down after the nightmare to soothe his rapid breathing. He was starting to get lightheaded but he couldn't for the life of him stop and his chest hurt so bad and he felt like he was dying. He'd had panic attacks before so he knew, however distantly, that it was happening but this was worse than the ones he'd had before. Zack popping in was just background noise, all of his attention was directed inwards.
Zack bumbled over and looked down at the Human struggling to breathe, sighing and sitting on the bed next to him. He gave an elaborate wave of his hand and a cup of water shot up from the kitchen into it as he waited. The best thing to do was to just be prepared for when the victim of panic was calm enough to be outside oriented. As much as Zack bared waiting, he made himself do so.
Bryn came out of it in stages, slowly but steadily collasping into the corner of the room where he'd curled up. His cheeks were sticky with tears and his chest hurt like a steadily growing bruise and he did't have the energy to do much more than slowly look around the room. His eyes stopped on Zack, but talking had never been so hard before and his head was foggy and all he could manage was a soft "… zack?"
“Come here and get some water,” The Demon said in his hoarse voice, offering the water. He held it out as if Bryn were some type of dangerous animal that he still wanted to take care of, but was unable to touch him. He crossed his legs under the sheet and watched Bryn snuffle, his grey, doughy eyes focused on him intently, willing him to get up.
Bryn tried, he really did, but his legs kept collapsing under him and his arms were too weak to anything and it was only making him frustrated. He hated this and he hadn't had one in… months. He was doing so well. And now he was cracking apart and Zack was going to get rid of him for good and… He started spiraling, thoughts already in a tizzy, and he couldn't breathe again- his lungs wouldn't work- and he felt too hot and…
“Come on,” Zack hummed faintly through the scattered thoughts of his boyfriend. “You can come near me. You can lift yourself up. I know you can. You’re not gonna go anywhere. I’m not gonna take you back, I'm gonna keep you here, with me.” He shook the water gently and tilted his head. “Do you need my help? You can just ask….?”
Bryn, scattered and pained and still struggling to force air into his lungs, nodded frantically. He wanted to be held and talked to and god he hated his body and his mind and all this dumb shit that kept happening to him. "P-please…. please, please, pleasepleaseplease," he murmured like it was a mantra.
Zack set the water down and uncurled his legs, walking over calmly and helping his lover up with a strong arm and leaning him over to the bed, where he settled the other down next to him. Zack had been tempted to place the other on his lap, which was a favorite perch of the Human’s, but he decided against it from last night’s events. He grabbed the water and shoved it into Bryn’s hands.
“Drink. Slowly. And get some air.” He pressed a kiss to his cheek tenderly.
Bryn held it shakily, struggling to raise the glass to his lips. He wanted to be in Zack's lap. He wanted to be able to say what he wanted, but he was so tired and it seemed like a lot of energy for something Zack probably wouldn't do. He leaned into Zack desperately, greedy for whatever contact he was allowed as he sipped on his water. His breaths were hiccupy and small, but a good deal more steady than they had been. "Too hard."
Zack seemed to understand when Bryn leaned on him and he pulled him up onto his lap, holding his hips somewhat unsteadily as he gazed at the other. When he finished a good portion of the water he set it down and tilted Bryn’s shoulders up and inhaled deeply. He straightened his chest and tilted his nose up in the slightest.
“Now try.”
Bryn took a few shuddering breaths, mouth curving into an almost-smile when the breath filled his lungs. He wanted to cry- out of relief this time, which made it the tiniest bit better- but he stopped himself. Zack didn't want to be here, he was only doing this out of obligation. He'd probably leave if Bryn started crying, and that would be… awful. World shattering. "Th-thank you."
Zack leaned his head on the Human’s chest with a soft sighing noise, wrapping his arms comfortably around the Human’s hips. He suddenly liked this cuddling. It was warmer than a blanket. But he still felt somewhat bad for last night and not following Bryn immediately to apologize before he got too bad. It was obvious, probably to even Bryn, who was on the verge of tears, that lazy Zack wasn’t going anywhere.
Bryn let out a soft puff of surprise, cuddling into Zack's arms as best he could while lead balloons weighed him down. His brain felt like it was full of cobwebs, but Zack cleaned them out a little bit. Lazy, wonderful Zack who Bryn loved so very much. Bryn nuzzled his jaw weakly, pressing the tiniest of kisses into the place where it met his neck. "Missed you."
