Public Outcast//Closed

@callycat
(This is where we left off I'm pretty sure. If you forgot, Atlas and Emrys were going to get ice cream and Atlas snapped at Emrys for not letting him pay. They went out on a bench so Atlas could explain what was going on.)

Atlas looked up at Emrys then let out a shaky breath. "S-so… I'm really sorry, um, you never did anything wrong, you just said your preference and I should respect those. Uh…" He paused, not sure how to really start what he wanted to say. "You know how I always seem in a good mood, nothing ever seems to be wrong and stuff… well, of course, that's not the case. My… I can't seem to express anything else besides 'good' emotions. I always push everything down deep to where I can't feel them or anything… After a while of doing that, I get overwhelmed and I have a breakdown and repeat that cycle. Well, I haven't had a breakdown in a while so I thought I was getting better, but it's just the opposite I think. I uh," Atlas' eyes started getting watery, tears threatening to fall. "When I'm about to have one, I start snapping at the smallest things and it's unfair to anyone around me. It's unhealthy too, but I can't stop myself from doing it. I've been doing this since early high school and I doubt I'll stop doing it for a while. I prohibited you from having a fun afternoon and date because of my problem." Explained Atlas quietly. He'd never explained this to anyone, it wasn't a big deal, but he felt otherwise at times. He looked down at their hands as a couple tears slid down his cheek.

Emrys whined low in his throat and pulled Atlas close, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's waist and petting his hair as he started to get misty-eyed. "No!" he protested, pressing a kiss to Atlas' temple. "You're my boyfriend and I love you and you haven't stopped me from doing anything. I had a really good time on this date, and I've never felt like you're snapping at me or being unreasonable, you're just trying to explain your point." He reached up to wipe away Atlas' tears, hands light and gentle on his face. "All I care about is making you happy, okay? How can I do that?"

Atlas smiled a little then let his head fall onto Emrys' shoulder, crying harder. Any little thing would make him tear up, cry, or snap at people during breakdowns. He wrapped his arms around Em's waist and held on kind of tight. "T-thank you-u, love…"

Emrys immediately tossed his arms around Atlas, pulling him up into his lap so it was easier to pet his hair and press the sweetest little kisses to his cheeks. "Of course! You're amazing Atlas, you deserve to be taken care of for a little. Is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all?"

At this point, Atlas couldn't really say anything super clearly. He just kept crying into Emrys' shoulder, very glad he was there for him. He still felt very bad about arguing with Emrys before though. He normally didn't do anything like that.

Em got Atlas all tucked up against his chest, rubbing his back gently as he cried and cried. It was hard to be so helpless, but he knew that this was what Atlas needed from him right now so he didn't say a word besides murmuring comfortingly in his boyfriend's ear.

After a while, Atlas eventually calmed down. He lifted his head and looked at Emrys. His eyes were red and a little puffy. He also had some tear stains. He leaned forward and gave Emrys a kiss and smiled. "Thank you so much. You mean so much to me and I'm so glad you don't get mad or unhappy at stuff like that. I love you."

Emrys was still holding him as he calmed down, kissing Atlas back hesitantly after a few seconds of surprise. "I love you too," he said, leaning in for another soft kiss. "I'd never get mad at you for getting upset, even if I do think this is something we should try to work on together."

Atlas nodded. "Yeah, I agree. Uh, do you want to go back to the hotel?' He asked, hoping they could. He felt more comfortable there since they would be in the privacy of a room where a fan wouldn't be able to just turn a corner and spot them together.

"Definitely." Emrys hopped to his feet, pulling Atlas up with him and then tossing an arm around his waist to keep him close. He didn't want to be spotted– knew that being seen would probably lead to them being forced to reveal their relationship to the public– but Atlas was more important than his nerves. "Do you want me to call us a cab? It'll be a faster time getting to our room."

"Yeah, that would be great," Atlas said softly, smiling a little. He did the same, wrapping an arm around Emrys as well as leaning his head to the side to rest it on Em's shoulder. He enjoyed the silence for a bit, watching cars and people go by, it was nice. Everyone had their own issues, problems, thoughts, interests, and styles. He found it cool seeing all of those just by how someone walked or dressed.

Em nodded and kissed his cheek, walking them over to a curb and then quickly hailing a taxi. Soon they were curled up together in the back seat as their driver– a kindly old woman with her knitting in the passenger's seat– picked them up. It was a comfortable ride back to the hotel, the slow pace of traffic giving both of them plenty of time to watch the world pass by through the car windows.

Atlas curled up against Emrys, leaning on him. He ended up closing his eyes and almost falling asleep. They did make it to the hotel before then though. Atlas slowly opened his eyes, blinking a few times. He got out of the taxi after Emrys and held his hand as they paid for it.

Emrys let him pay without argument and then bought him an iced coffee on the way in with an apologetic smile. "It's the closest thing they have to ice cream," he explained as they stepped into the elevator, handing it over to Atlas with a hopeful expression. "It's the kind you like, right? With lots of sugar."

Atlas smiled, more than he had in the past few hours. It was just what he needed. "It's exactly the kind I like. Thank you." He said before kissing Em's cheek then taking a sip of the coffee. The elevator door opened and they got out on their floor. Atlas felt around in his pockets for a few seconds, about to panic just as he found it. He sighed and opened the door for Emrys.

Emrys practically beamed, giving Atlas a soft kiss of his own as they headed up to the tenth floor. He held Atlas' coffee as he dug around for the room key. He only gave it back once they were laying down on the bed, shoes toed off and door kicked shut behind them. "Hey, how are you feeling?"

"A lot better. You really helped with that, thank you so so much." Atlas said, cuddling up to Emrys. He took a sip of his coffee then looked over at Em. "So when we were on the bench it sounded like you wanted to talk about this whole ordeal. Um, what do you wanna talk about?" He asked, almost concerned.

Em slid his hands around Atlas' waist to pull him closer. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," he began, voice quiet and understanding. "But I'm not going to lie and say I'm not worried about what happened. It was really scary to watch you break down like that, and I wanna know how I can help you make it better."

Atlas nodded, agreeing. It wasn't a normal thing for people to see his breakdowns, he usually kept them hidden. "Well… in high school, when it was even worse, I think, my mom had me tell her about what I had felt the day at school in detail and what I was feeling at that moment. In the beginning, I didn't see the point because it didn't seem to help. But eventually, it got a little better. So maybe we should start doing that? I don't know. I've kinda just dealt with it and not really tried to do anything about it."

Emrys nodded, humming quietly as he thought. "Have… um… have you ever seen a therapist for it?" he asked, voice carefully cleared of anything but curiosity and care. "Anything I can do to help you is really great, but… this seems like the kind of thing that might get a lot better with professional help."

"No, I haven't. My mom either didn't want me to or didn't have the money for me too. Then I never thought about it or I didn't think I needed one. I guess that would be a good idea…" Atlas said as he went silent. He leaned his head on Emrys and looked out the window across from the bed.

Emrys hummed and kissed the top of his head. "Well you've got plenty of money now, baby. We've all got millions of dollars, we do sell-out shows every other night, I… I think therapy would be good for you. I know it was a big help for me."

Atlas nodded, almost zoning out thinking about what Emrys said. He stayed quiet for a while before snapping out of it. "Yeah… maybe it would be a good idea. I don't know where to look and do they do calls since we travel a lot?" Atlas asked, he really had no idea about any of it.

Emrys let him think, curling closer in the meantime. "I'm not sure, but I think we could try to find one after the tour? We'll stay settled for half a year or so, you won't have to worry about getting situated while we're on the move. And… um… I know a couple different places that might work for you."

Atlas smiled. "That sounds good… thank you so much, love." He turned his head to kiss Emrys, maybe a couple times. He took a breath a closed his eyes, enjoying Em's presence.

Em kissed him back gently, wrapping his arms around Atlas' waist to pull him in close. "Of course, Atlas. I want to take care of you, it's important to me that you're happy."

"I just have to say, you're the best boyfriend I could ever hope for. You genuinely care about me and love me and that's a lot more than I could say about some of my other ones." Atlas had his arms tightly around Emrys and he had his head rested on the other man.

Emrys couldn't help but smile, burying the pleased little turn of his lips against Atlas' cheek. He felt all warm inside, like someone had lit a candle in his belly. "I'm glad I can be that kind of person for you, Atlas. You're one of my best friends and even if we weren't dating I would still love and care for you unconditionally."

Atlas smiled and turned his head to give Emrys a soft kiss. "Same here. I'll always care for you and love you even if we break up, I couldn't not do those things."

Em kissed him back with a soft sigh, pulling away to look fondly into Atlas' eyes. "Yeah, I think caring for you is just… part of me now. And even though I love you romantically, you're still my best friend."