At this point, Arquis was close to leaping from the door of the carriage. He covered his face with his hands and laughed, though it was closer to a series of wheezes. His shoulders shook.
“That is certainly not how I would have phrased it,” he replied from behind his palms, his voice muffled. He still leaned into their hand, even though he was embarrassed.
He was laughing as well, stroking his thumb along Arquis's cheek. "But is it what you were asking?" they asked, smiling at Arquis and glad that they could just sit like this together and laugh, even if the subject was perahps an awkward one.
“Sort of,” he finally admitted, looking at them. “I do not know what you like when it comes to this. All of this. I do not know how to make you feel good, or what is too much or too little, or…”
He seemed to kind of slump inwards on himself, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms about them. His head dropped slightly. He wasn’t upset, not quite, but he was a bit out of his element.
They hummed very faintly, kissing Arquis's cheek. "I don't mind a discussion of kinks, or sexual things, but I feel that, ah, maybe it is not the right time for that, as neither of us has really seemed too very interested in that angle of things." they gently tipped Arquis's chin so that the nobleman would meet their eyes again. "We can have that conversation now if you like, or if you would rather wait, we can talk of other things."
“I am not sure,” Arquis mumbled. Their eyes were really lovely. “It is not that I am not interested in, well, that sort of thing. I am. You are incredibly sweet and attractive, and you have wonderful lips-” he stopped and cleared his throat. “But I do not know how to talk about it. And I want more, but I know I am not ready for it, and I- I just want to make you happy.”
Rin shrugged one shoulder. "I understand. It can just be an…awkward conversation, especially when you are not ready for the actual act of it." they said, gently rubbing their thumb against Arquis's chin, back and forth in a soft, soothing motion. "I am perfectly happy without it, Arquis, please believe me on that."
“Goodness,” Arquis exhaled, relaxing once more. He was really trying to take the conversation seriously—it was an important subject, after all—but it was hard to focus when they were touching him. Though he was loath to admit it, he was basically purring like a cat.
“I am quite glad that I can make you happy, even without that. Someday, I promise, we can try it. But for now, please, please keep doing that,” he pleaded. “It feels lovely.”
Rin hummed very slightly, still gently rubbing his thumb back and forth over Arquis's chin, touch soft and gentle. "I don't need sex, Arquis, to be happy. It can be enjoyable, especially with someone you care about, but it is not necessary." he said in a quiet tone, leaning over to kiss Arquis's forehead.
“I do not need it, either, but I would still eventually like to try it. If that is also what you want. I would never force you into anything.”
The kiss made him melt. He unfurled and nuzzled into the space between their shoulder and collarbone. His arm came to rest around their shoulders. When he realized what he was doing, he pulled away, looking shy.
“My apologies. I do not typically act in such a way. It must seem awfully improper.”
Rin originally leaned slightly into Arquis's nuzzling, then sat straighter again when he pulled away. "There is no need to apologize, Arquis. I enjoy some good cuddling, and we will be in here for a few hours. I don't see why we can't just snuggle up while we talk." they smiled softly.
Arquis’s eyes actually lit up. He had never admitted it to anyone, as doing so would mean potentially getting close to someone else, but he had always wanted somebody to cuddle with. Somebody who would be close to him on purpose. Somebody who held him because they wanted to, not because they had to, wished to hurt him in the future, or had something they wanted from him.
“Really? You would not mind?” he asked, sounding a touch too insecure for his liking.
He shook his head a little. "I would not mind." they confirmed softly, wrapping their free arm around Arquis's shoulders. "Come here." he caught the insecurity in Arquis's voice, but let it go; Arquis wouldn't appreciate it if Rin pointed it out, or at least, they supposed that he wouldn't.
Arquis inhaled sharply as he curled against him once more. His head tucked right into the hollow of their neck, and he draped his arms loosely around him. He brushed his lips against their jaw, wondering if they could feel how fast his heart was beating. The contact was a lot to handle. He was trembling, but not because it felt bad. His body just wasn’t used to kindness. It had been conditioned to take pain; it had become familiar with scars. But this, the softness of the embrace and their voice, was new.
“You are too good to me,” he whispered into his chest.
Rin wrapped their arms around Arquis, holding him close with a soft and gentle touch. "No, Arquis. You deserve to be handled gently and kindly." they said softly, pressing a kiss to the side of his head and rubbing his back in a soothing manner. They liked being able to cuddle, whether they were the big spoon or the little spoon, and this occasion was no exception.
“I deserve no such thing,” Arquis responded, shocked to find how much the words hurt. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t thought or said them before. And he still believed them down to his very core, so why were they tearing him up inside?
Perhaps because he wished they weren’t true. He wanted to be someone that deserved Rin’s gentle touches. Had he done them a disservice in asking them to be with him? Should he have let them go? The thought made his heart ache. He had been and still was being selfish. If he wanted them happy, which he did, then he should head back to the Palace and accept his death.
But he couldn’t seem to leave his arms. They felt like warmth and safety and concern; all of the things he hadn’t had in years.
Rin frowned a little bit, shaking his head quickly. "Arquis, you absolutely do. Can you name one reason why you do not?" they knew that the question was perhaps a little unfair, but they didn't want to just accept Arquis's words and move on; it wouldn't help Arquis, and it wouldn't help them either. They wanted Arquis to be alright, even after Rin would have to leave.
“I did something awful,” Arquis whispered, then hiccuped. He was crying. Of course he was crying. Affection always overwhelmed him, and now he was thinking of the horrible situation he had been in. Plus, his hands hurt so much that they felt like they were on fire. It was a wonder that it’d taken so long for him to break again.
“I should have stayed behind. I never should have left. I should have faced my punishment. I- I- and what if she hurts them? All because of what I did, I just could not- I did not mean to do it, I-“
Rin rubbed their back, murmuring soft, soothing words. "It's alright, it's alright, I've got you. Shhh." they rocked Arquis gently, holding him close. "You're going to be just fine, Arquis." they kept rubbing his back, closing their eyes for a moment.
“I did not want to hurt anybody,” Arquis choked out, tears slowing but not stopping completely. His cheeks felt wet, and he’d accidentally cried on their shirt a bit. He hiccuped again and loosened his hold on them. If he was disgusted by him, then all they’d have to do was move away. He would let them go this time.
"It's alright." he whispered, not letting go even when Arquis's hold loosened. "I've got you, Arquis." they wanted to konw what had happened, what, in the past, had messed Arquis up so badly, but they were not going to press for answers from him. Not now. Not ever, really.
At some point, the crying went silent, but he was still shaking with silent sobs. He knew that Rin’s choice to remain close didn’t necessarily mean anything. They were too nice for their own good. He should not have read anything into it, and yet he did. He’d pressed back into them like before, his damp, tearstained face resting below his chin.
Eventually, the steady touch calmed him down. He breathed in and out a couple of times before closing his eyes.
“Thank you. I know it is not easy to put up with all of that, so thank you. I will try not to do it again.”
Rin was still rubbing their back, soft and gentle. "It's alright, Arquis." they replied quietly, pressing a kiss to the top of Arquis's head. "I don't mind holding you and soothing you when you need it." he kept holding onto Arquis. Whatever had happened that had affected Arquis so, Rin would be there for him in any way that he could.
“No, it is not alright. I know you claim not to mind, but I should know better.” Arquis sounded terribly quiet and distressed, as if he was afraid they might lash out. He also kept flinching almost imperceptibly any time they would speak. The reasonable side of him knew that he was not going to hurt him, but his body was not so easily convinced.
“We had been having such a nice time, and I had to go along and ruin it.”
Rin kept rubbing his back, still trying to soothe him. "Absolutely not, Arquis. I have no problem soothing you and holding you. Relationships are about ups and downs, not just the ups." Or at least, good ones were. And Rin wanted this to be a good one, for as long as it lasted.
“You are so good to me,” Arquis whispered again, barely able to speak around the lump in his throat. The sentence was slightly different, but the sentiment was still there. They were too good to him; too nice; too gentle. He was waiting for the moment that things would take a turn. Somehow, he was convinced, he would end up hurt. He just hoped he didn’t hurt them in return.
Rin shrugged very faintly. "I just treat you the way you deserve to be treated." they said, letting out a quiet hum. "I'm here for you, Arquis, no matter what." their voice was soft and gentle. He didn't know what had messed Arquis up like this, but they were not going to hurt him.
That brought a fresh wave of tears to his eyes, but he managed to hold them back. For years he’d thought that he wanted to hear those exact words, and yet they felt like a lie. If he told them what he’d done, they would have to take them back. Nobody would love him if they knew the truth. Not even Marsiquia, who loved easily.
But perhaps that was what he truly deserved. To be hated, to be cast out. To feel a fraction of the pain he’d caused.
“Rin,” he said in a shaky voice. It sounded like he was faintly nauseous. “Rin, if I- if I told you-”
Rin kept rubbing his back. "You don't have to tell me anything that you are not sure that you want to say." they said, looking down at the nobleman. "I don't need to know what happened or what you may have done, not when it is something that so obviously upsets you."
“You are not at all concerned about what it might be?” He screwed his eyes shut. “It is terrible, Rin, truly terrible, and I would not blame you if you did not want to be around me after you learned of it.”
The nausea hit him again at full force. He moved away from Rin and dropped his head between his legs, trying to regulate his breathing. How would they react if he really told him? Would they tell the carriage driver? Get him arrested? Or would they wound him for his actions?
They thought for a moment. "Provided you have not raped someone or hurt a child, I have a lot of forgiveness in me for everything else." Rin replied honestly. He kept a hand on Arquis's back, gently rubbing between his shoulder blades. "You're a good person, Arquis."
