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Vaughn felt his lungs tighten at the words. Kaz loved him? What did we tell you? If you get attached and he gets killed, it’ll be just like the murders all over again. See what happened when you quickly got attached to Ben? He was slaughtered and now you’re broken, the whispers reminded. He opened his mouth, but found that nothing was coming out. He wanted to tell Kaz, but he just couldn’t.
(O here’s the page of Kaz and Vaughn https://drive.google.com/open?id=160LkrWX2-av7l5AGwwVzXmRL8NJaMaCh)
//noice
Kaz could feel his heart sink just the smallest bit in his chest when he realized Vaughn didn't know what to say. Damn it, his mind hissed. You said it too soon, you know what happens when you do that. That was why Finn left you imbecile, it spat, though his mind seemed just the smallest bit sad as well. Kaz ignored it, though he knew his mind had a point. "It's alright. You don't have to say it either," he said, trying to make it seem as though he wasn't just the smallest bit crestfallen
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(Ahhh omg yes! Love it!)
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Vaughn shifted his gaze away, taking in a sharp breath. “I’m sorry,” he murmured in a shaking tone. It was all he could think to say. It was all he was allowed to say. Good, Finley. Better not to get attached, the whispers confirmed.
Kaz frowned just the slightest bit. "You're not allowed to be sorry for something that's not your fault," he said quietly, but his tone suggested that he wasn't to be argued with. He leaned down, catching Vaughn's lips with his own before the other man could say anything
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Vaughn shuddered softly, body tensing. He didn’t return the kiss right away. He did soon enough, but not right away. Everything just felt wrong, and it was his fault. Were they right? Should he have not started to get to know Kaz? Should he have never slept with him? His mind was a mess.
Kaz could feel Vaughn's electrical field tense as though he was upset. Your fault, your fault, might as well get shot, his mind sang over and over. He broke away, reaching up to run a hand through Vaughn's hair gently in hopes of helping him calm down
//oh my god I thought this was the asylum rp and I was like "wait what did I miss why are they kissing what"
(omg lmao)
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(Lmaoo that would have been hella sudden)
Vaughn continue to take shuddering breaths, his eyes squeezed shut tightly. Look what you’ve done, Finley. What a selfish little bastard you are, the whispers teased, and he half believed them too. Should he have said it just to please Kaz? No, that wouldn’t have been right.
('his eyes squeezed shit' i'M HOLLERiNG)
"Hey, hey," Kaz said in a soothing tone, holding Vaughn's hand tightly while he brushed some of the hair out of the other man's eyes with his free hand. "It's alright. It's not your fault."
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(You know you curse too much when shut corrects to shit smh)
Vaughn shook his head a little bit. He didn’t trust himself to speak. He was convinced he would break into sobs if he tried. Tell Kaz about his family, about his mental issues. About the whispers and why they wouldn’t let him love Kaz, no matter how much he wanted to.
(I did a physical double take when I read it and then started cackling send help)
Kaz leaned forward a little, pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of Vaughn's eye. "It's alright love. You don't have to get upset." He had to keep himself from adding that he shouldn't have said it, but he knew that would hurt far more. Hell, it hurt him just thinking about going back on the words. As difficult as it was to convince himself, he really did love Vaughn
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(AhHhHH)
“I’m so sorry,” Vaughn repeated, his hands going to Kaz’s forearms, gripping onto him tightly. He could tell that Kaz was hurt. And it was his fault.
Kaz suppressed a wince as Vaughn's hands went to his arms. He knew he shouldn't be worried about being hurt, but PTSD was a bitch that way. "It's okay. It's not your fault. We've only known each other for three days, I don't expect you to say you…you…" He cleared his throat, the words suddenly becoming so difficult to say. "That you love me."
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Vaughn shook his head a bit more. “It’s so much more complicated. So much more than time,” he murmured quickly in response. Don’t you dare continue, Finley, the whispers warned.
"And that's alright," Kaz said quietly, grey eyes fixating on grey. "You don't have to speed into this if you don't want to." Tell him, tell him what happens when someone loves you. Tell him what happens, or warn him at least damn you, his mind hissed, seemingly on his side for once. He swallowed around a lump in his throat as he realized his mind was probably right. "And if you want to leave I won't stop you," he added quietly. Won't or can't? Be honest goddammit.
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“I don’t want to leave,” Vaughn responded, his tone having an accidental sharp edge. He realized he was squeezing Kaz’s arms extremely tight at that point and quickly let go, leaning back in his chair. “There’s nothing wrong with the time aspect,” he said, after taking a shuddering breath to collect himself.
Kaz's face fell a little. God, he couldn't say a word right. God, just go jump off a bridge already. He obviously has too many issues with you, you'd be doing him a favor, his mind grumbled boredly, and he winced the smallest bit. "Then…is it just me?" he asked, fixing his gaze on the floor
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Vaughn’s jaw clenched slightly. “God no. None of this is your fault,” he started. Everything was messy. Don’t say anything else, the whispers raised to a sharp shout. “The whispers remind me, they won’t let me,” he finally choked out, but it felt like he was hit, the air leaving his lungs quickly as if the whispers were punishing him.
Kaz looked up, eyes widening the slightest bit as Vaughn's field began to contort like he was having some sort of panic attack. "It's okay, you don't have to explain. If it hurts to say it you don't have to," he tried to say, worry creeping into his face
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Vaughn shook his head quickly. “Maybe- Maybe if I tell you they’ll stop,” he stammered. He reached out, gripping onto Kaz’s hand as a way to anchor himself to reality. He was fine, everything would be fine. “I can’t get attached to people because-..” he took a moment to breath in sharply. “When I was thirteen, my dad came home wasted one night. Worse than I had ever seen him. My mom, she told my little sister and I to go hide in the upstairs closet. He got violent when he was intoxicated, and she didn’t want him hurting us. As I was taking my sister up the stairs, we could hear yelling, and then there was a gun shot. Then another, and another, and another.” Vaughn shuddered harshly, remembering it like it was yesterday. “We didn’t know what happened, but we heard my dad’s footsteps come towards us. I had picked my sister up, trying to get up the stairs quicker, but he grabbed me and I fell backwards down the stairs. I remember hitting my head when I reached the bottom, but-.. I was still awake long enough to see him throw my toddler sister against the wall before he shot her too.”
He could have continued, but he couldn’t say anything else. Sharp sobs racked through him at that point, his whole body trembling. “If I can’t trust and love my own father, then who?”
Kaz's face seemed to fall into some mixture of anger and sympathetic sadness. He wasn't angry at Vaughn, no, he was angry for what the world had done to him. He wrapped his arms tightly around the other man, holding him close to his chest. "It's okay. It's alright," he murmured, kissing the top of his head as he held him close. "You don't have to love people who hurt you. It's not right to. He doesn't deserve your love or trust. But believe me when I say I will never let anyone hurt you. Not now, not ever." Are you including yourself in 'anyone?' his mind teased. Right now you're the one person who could hurt him the most. And what if I come out to play, hmm? What if I hurt him, what if we hurt him?
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“Why didn’t he kill me? Why did’t he kill me instead of them?” Vaughn sobbed, face buried in the crook of Kaz’s neck. He remebered waking up, still laying at the bottom of the stairs. He remembered bleeding from a cut on the back of his head. Hell, underneath his hair, he probably still had a scar. He remembered stumbling to his feet, calling out for his mom and little sister. There had been blood all over the stairs, staining the carpet. He remembered stumbling into the kitchen, where he found his mom and sister. Well, pieces of them. The sick bastard had dismembered them. He remembered practically collapsing, loosing anything that he had eaten earlier for dinner. It was so vivid. He almost wanted to get sick again.
"Shh, don't say things like that," Kaz murmured, a hand moving to the back of Vaughn's head to hold him gently as he cried. He held the other man close, rocking him back and forth a little. "You deserved to live. Your mom and sister may not have made it, but you did. And there's gotta be a good reason for it," he said. He wasn't the best at consoling people, but he was really trying for Vaughn's sake
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Vaughn trembled as he cried. He gripped tightly to Kaz as he did so. It did feel good to get that out. He barely told people about that. Why tell them when they could simply search it up online? He decided to continue explaining, to get it all out. “I went to at least four different foster homes after that. I have mental trauma from it all, and no one wanted to deal with it.”
Kaz nodded, running a hand through Vaughn's hair as he leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead. "I would be surprised if you didn't have trauma from that," he said quietly. He knew it had hurt to watch his own father shove his mother around when he visited. He had hated the man, and it had been a relief when he was finally dead. "No one should have to go through something like that on their own. And now that I'm here I don't plan on letting you suffer any more. I care about you too much to let anything happen to you."
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Vaughn trembled at Kaz’s words and nodded a bit. “I am so sorry,” he said again, tears dripping onto the collar of Kaz’s shirt. “I love you too,” he finally forced out once the whispers had seemed to grow quiet, gripping Kaz tighter as he spoke.
