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Critque my story?

Deleted user forum 4 comments schedule
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person_off
Deleted user

Jessica and Haru were walking to school. They were chatting about what they would be doing after school. Haru shifted his head to the side. On the other side of the road, there was a boy being chased by a hand full of birds. Haru had the urge to laugh at the boy, but he noticed someone behind the birds. It was a girl, the age of Jessica. She was chasing the boy and laughing.

“Wait up, Tayler!” The girl pleaded between her laughs. “What do you mean ‘Wait up’!? You try being chased by birds!” Tayler yelled at the girl. The girl kept laughing and caught up to Tayler. She took the sandwich in his bag and threw it away. The birds started to swarm the sandwich. “Thanks, Autumn,” Tayler said, now looking at Haru.

Jessica looked at Haru and then asked, “Haru? You ok? You seem distracted…” Haru shook his head. “Im fine Jess. Just looking at the people across the street.” He said turning back to Jessica. “Anyway, about those plans…” Haru continued. They eventually got to school and went to class. The teacher started teaching but then stopped. “Ah yes! Class we have new students! Meet Tayler and Autumn!”

Autumn smiled shyly and Tayler just looked around. He noticed Haru and smiled. The teacher said, “Anyway! Tayler can sit next to Haru and Autumn can sit next to Jess!” Both Haru and Jessica raised there hands. Tayler sat next to Haru but when he did, one of the chair legs snaped. Tayler was on the floor and Haru jolted up. He helped Tayler up and asked, “You ok, bro?” Tayler nodded. “Im fine. It happens a lot. I’ll just stand.” Tayler said leaning on the table. Haru just sat down.

eco
@Anemone eco

Well, I suppose I can waste my time on another small critique. Since this is so short, I'll split the critique into paragraphs and then summarize it down at the bottom.

First paragraph:

  • I'll give a small pass for how quickly the focus changed since you're young and you're probably going to learn to do better transitions in school… hopefully.
  • What level of schooling are they in?
  • It's 'handful' not 'hand full'. That being said. Depending on the species of bird, the hand could fit like, two max. So unless he's that afraid of birds, I don't get why he'd be running from two tiny birds.

Second paragraph:

  • If the sandwich was in Tayler's bag, then why would the birds be after it. Unless the bag was open, which, in that case, you'd probably want to say that.
  • The dialogue could be done better. Try starting differently line when someone else talks. Makes thing a little less confusing.
  • Why did Tayler suddenly look at Haru? Kinda weird. Try to give a tiny bit more detail, like him fixing his clothes or something like that after running. Just so that it doesn't feel like such a forced transition. I know I said I'd give it a pass earlier, but I really feel like you could help this one.

Third paragraph:

  • Same thing here with dialogue.
  • Do not ever say 'ok' when doing something like this where you are presenting it to an audience. It doesn't need to be completely no-contractions-at-all formal, but spell out 'okay'.
  • If he's okay, wouldn't he nod his head instead of shaking it? Unless he was shaking it as if to dismiss a thought, then you may want to say that.
  • Commas and apostrophes. Both are important things. Put an apostrophe in 'Im' and a comma before he says 'Jess'. You did this a little later in the story. When Haru asked, "You ok, bro?". Useless information, but that's a comma used for nouns of direct address.
  • The only thing I can really say is that you need to learn how to transition better. Too choppy and forced. Yadda yadda. (I'm getting lazy)

Fourth paragraph:

  • 'Their' not 'there'.
  • Why do the chair legs snap often? Is Tayler overweight or something? Something else?
  • You say 'just' a lot. In some instances, the word 'just' could be completely omitted.

Summary:

Overall, there's a lack of description and just bad transitioning. A few problems with punctuation and grammar too. But I can tell that your writing has improved from what I've seen of you before. Good job there, I'm very proud of you. :)

person_off
Deleted user

Alright! Also about the chair, He has something like "Bad luck". Something bad always occurs near him.

eco
@Anemone eco

I see. Good luck with your story, kid.