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Esme stood up quickly, her map forgotten. "Frick. What color are its eyes?"
Come hit this lit RP session.
(they're green btw since that was a while ago that I described it)
Nathan clenched his jaw. He brought the cat over to Esme to check. "Look for yourself," he said bitterly.
She refused to touch it, only peering warily at it from a safe distance. "Oh no," she said after a second. "It's a Spasm. Drop it quick, before it–"
The cat suddenly turned to look at her with a wide, gaping smile and flat, staring eyes. It fuzzed out again, and this time there was a sound like cobwebs ripping. Esme jerked back as though struck, covering her face with her hands. The cat continued to grin, its mouth hanging open, its form writhing in Nathan's grip.
"Throw it!" Esme choked out.
Nathan stared at the creature in horror, its diabolical grin growing ever so lopsided. He lifted it high over his head and swung it as strong as he could.
He waited for the telltale crash before turning to Esme. Gasping, he ran a hand across his face.e "A Spasm?" he questioned vehemently.
"Later." Esme was still clutching at her eyes, but managed to fumble open a portal with one hand. "We're leaving. Now."
The cat came back into view, but it was no longer a cat. It…splatted when it hit the ground, collapsing into a jelly-like black substance that hissed and wriggled angrily.
Luke yelped and danced away from it. "Okay, yeah, I'm out!"
(brb, havin supper)
Nathan spat at the writhing black puddle before jumping through the portal Eme had managed.
(no prob)
They piled in and Esme closed the portal, literally slicing the creature in two as it leaped after them. The half that got in shrieked and dissolved as it touched the darkness, soon vanishing.
Esme didn't stand up immediately, rubbing her eyes tenderly. "Are…are you guys okay? Did it look at any of you?"
"I think I might have looked at it for a second. Not for long, though. I was trying to see the colour of its eyes, though there wasn't much point to it." Nathan stared at the spot where that thing and fizzled and died.
"Luckily it wasn't directing its full gaze at you. Those things can drive people insane with a glance."
Luke frowned at her. "So what about you? You looked right at it. You okay?"
"It's different for my kind."She finally pulled her hands away from her eyes, revealing what looked like a thin horizontal cut running across both eyelids and over the bridge of her nose. A small amount of black blood was leaking from the cut, and it looked very painful. "Spasms physically injure shadow spirits when they attack rather than go for our minds. It'll be fine, I just….just gotta rest a minute."
Nathan crouched down next to her. "I'm sorry, Esme. Is there anything I can do to help?"
She shrugged "Nah. I'll be okay."
"So what was that thing then?" Luke asked.
"Spasms are physical manifestations of chaotic energy," Esme said. "They occur in places that humans used to live in but then abandoned. I should have known when I sensed that restless energy that there might be a spasm in the area. They're notoriously sneaky and can mask their aura when they're stalking their prey. They usually appear as cats or wild animals, but you can always tell what they are by their poison-green eyes. They're not that dangerous if you know how to handle them, humans are attacked all the time. One of the reasons people living in solitude often go crazy."
"If they're not that dangerous," Luke said, "How come that one was such a big deal? Couldn't you kill it?"
Esme sighed miserably. "We shadow spirits get our power from Blake since he created us. I don't play by his rules, so he took away most of my strength long ago. I hate to admit it, but I'm pretty much at the bottom of the magical food chain these days."
(would you mind taking a look at something for me? it's a passage from one of my stories. it's a romance scene and I do not have the mind for romance, so if you could supply an opinion? :)
Nathan let out a dark chuckle. "Well then, I really can't wait to meet your creator at full capacity. What are we doing now, assuming no creature is planning to jump out and chew my leg off?"
(ooof sorry for the late reply, got lassoed by visiting relative T.T But sure! I'm not that great at romance myself but I'll give you my best advice! XD)
Esme stood up and sort of felt her way across the void until she had enough room to open up another portal. "Western Canada somewhere. You guys will have to help me check out the terrain when we get there, I can't see so good anymore."
Nathan nodded slowly. "Alright then." (don't really have much to do so do we wait for Carys?)
(yeah, probably)
(ooof sorry for the late reply, got lassoed by visiting relative T.T But sure! I'm not that great at romance myself but I'll give you my best advice! XD)
(Thanks! It's a little long so bear with me. You'll recognise the characters though :) also have fun with your relative XD
“They keep trying to boss me around. Please don’t turn into them. I won’t be able to take that.” She lifted her gaze to look at him; he was bustling around the campsite, muttering to himself. She gingerly walked up to him and took his sooty hands in hers. “Slow down. Just for a second. You’re exhausted, and with good reason.”
He tried to pull away. She tightened her grip on his hands. “My books say being in love makes you stupid and reckless. I guess they were right, basing myself off of our current situation. But, they also say it helps you find a courage you didn’t know you had. I think they were also right about that.” She looked him in the eye and reached up to tuck a strand of his hair behind his ear; he reflexively leaned into her hand. She allowed herself a small smile.
“Be forewarned, Nathan. That wasn’t even the cheesy part.”
He exhaled loudly. “Lillian, come on.”
“Like I said, they were right,” she stubbornly continued, “So far, it’s only been adventure after reckless adventure. I- I lost myself, I guess, somewhere back there, and I’m not sure of much: I mean, am I alive or dead? Am I being cruel to Izzy? Is this even going to work? Why me, and why you? Anyway. I do know one thing. A small thing, true, but enough: whatever I am doing, whatever is going to happen, I want it to be with you. Whether that’s as a friend or… more, that is yet to be decided. As long as I’m with you.”
He dared look her in the eye. “Ah, fuck, Lili. This won’t work. You know what’s going to happen after we’re done with this. We have to part ways. I have to repent, you have to go home,” Nathan reminded her bitterly.
Lili felt her heart sink. “Repent? For Charlotte and Tess and Will? Do you honestly think there’s something you can do for them now? Listen, I know I won’t ever repl-”
“Lili, stop, now.”
“I won’t ever replace the-.”
“Lillian, I’m serious. Stop or-”
She slapped him hard across the face and stunned him into silence. “Okay, listen. I know I won’t replace them, that you won’t forget them. All I’m hoping you’ll give me is forgiveness, for your sake, you moron.”
He gently grabbed her face in his hands. “I learned very young not to allow myself anything I don’t deserve.”
They held each other’s stare until Nathan broke it. “No. Stop, Nathan. This isn’t right.”
“What isn’t right is what I did to them.”
“What you did to them was a mistake, sure. A very bad one at that. But that doesn’t mean-”
“What, Lili? That doesn’t mean what? That I’m not a bad person? That I’m not a traitor? You don’t understand this, Lili, you’re not from my planet.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Ouch. No need to take it out on me.” She paused. “You should see what I see, you know. The good, everyday day, when your words are sucked up by sadness, when your eyes well up for guilt, or when your laugh dies out for fear of chasing away regret. I know you hate the sound of your name. I’ve seen you cringe when I compliment you. I’ve noticed you frown when I smile at you.”
He tried pulling away, but she cupped his face in her hands.
“Nathan. Please. I know you can't forget what you've been through, what you think you’ve done, and I'm not asking you to. All I’m asking for is mercy on your part for yourself.”
He pushed past her towards the embers of their fire. “You don’t understand what Charlotte did for me, and what I did to her. I didn’t deserve them, and never will.” He finally met her gaze. “And I most certainly don’t deserve you. You… refuse to leave, refuse to go find yourself a better companion. You've chained yourself to me-”
“I'm not trapped!” she cried out. “I have no future. I'm probably dead, Nathan. And now it's you I want, and I'm willing to wait, wait as long as it takes for you to realise that.”
He shook his head.
“If you start thinking that way all of this is useless. It’s-”
“Stop. I'm not changing my mind and you know it.”
“All this for this, Lili, really?” he spat spitefully, waving a hand around. “A rundown shelter, a dying fire, dwindling supplies and a broken traitor?” His voice was rising. “Leave.”
“No, not now! Not after everything we’ve been through.”
He bit his lip and vehemently shook his head.
“What?”
“I can't let you do this.”
He stared her down. She arched a defiant eyebrow.
“Lili, stop now”
She exploded. “YOU STOP! STOP ARGUING! STOP MAKING YOURSELF OUT TO BE THE ONLY ONE THIS IS HARD FOR!” Tears were streaming down her face now. “I have to watch the boy I love, everyday, turn away from me as if I'm NOTHING. Every day he’s angry. Every day he- you, go on and on about how the kids and Charlotte are alone up there, and you're this terrible person, and I can't stand it! You hate yourself, you regret every decision you’ve made, and you're taking it out on the world. You're taking it out on me.”
He looked at her sadly, almost pitifully.
“Do you know what I saw back there?” she continued. “I saw my mother. My father, my baby brother. My best friend Mia. I had family too, you know. People who loved me.” She paused. “And then I saw you. You were kneeling on the ground. On a grave. Three graves, actually. Charlotte’s, Will's and Tessa's. You were crying, harder than I've ever seen anyone cry before. You sounded so… fragile, shattered. You were out of control, tearing at your hair, hurting every inch of bare skin you could find. You were slowly killing yourself. I was chained down a few feet from you. There was nothing I could do for you.”
He looked away from her, burying his face in his hands, hiding his face– but not before she saw the tear weaving its path through the grime. She had found the chink in his armour, and broken down a fraction of his wall.
“It’s only downhill from here,” he said finally, his voice, incredibly, unwavering. He cocked his head to the side to look at her. Seeing the resolve in her posture and stare, the last of his strength drained away.
“This is the stupidest thing you’re ever going to do,” he said again, falling to his knees by the glowing embers of the fire. She walked over to him and lay down beside him. He followed suit and put his hand gently on her cheek. She moved forward and rested her head against his stomach. He stiffened, hesitated, but put his arm around her, and she curled up against him.
In minutes, they were both asleep.)
(gtg sleep now, gnight)
(good night! I'll write up what I think tomorrow then ^^)
(Okay, so I read it. And
I. Want. To. Hug. Nathan. So. Bad.
But aside from that, wow!! This is the best display of affection and genuine, deep love I've seen in writing in a looong time. And I think it's very realistic, at least based on some of my experiences. I wasn't sure what to expect when you said it was romance, but this exceeded any expectations I had, by far. :) I'm really pleased with how you portrayed their relationship because I believe it shows an excellent example of two people who truly love each other despite their flaws and troubles, and who are determined to stay with each other no matter what. I think we need more relationships like this in fiction that are based on something deeper than physical attachment.
I obviously don't know the context of this scene, but I was still able to follow it pretty well and it sounds like an interesting story! And it makes me much more curious about Nathan XD
As for any tips I might have, I really only feel confident enough to offer suggestions on the writing itself rather than the content. I always think that a scene, especially with this much dialogue, is better when it's broken up more. This also helps make it clear who's talking, which I did find a little unclear at times. For example, this–
“They keep trying to boss me around. Please don’t turn into them. I won’t be able to take that.” She lifted her gaze to look at him; he was bustling around the campsite, muttering to himself. She gingerly walked up to him and took his sooty hands in hers. “Slow down. Just for a second. You’re exhausted, and with good reason.”
–could become–
“They keep trying to boss me around. Please don’t turn into them. I won’t be able to take that.”
She lifted her gaze to look at him; he was bustling around the campsite, muttering to himself. Gingerly, she walked up to him and took his sooty hands in hers.
“Slow down," she said. "Just for a second. You’re exhausted, and with good reason.”
Idk, just a suggestion. I think a bit more clarity is all it needs–otherwise it's great! You're an excellent writer and I'm lowkey really honored that you're showing us some of your work! ^^)
(…oh. wow. That is really, really sweet of you. I really don't think it's that amazing, but I still appreciate that so much. Thank you so much. THANKS. I'll definitely go over it and clarify the dialogue. I actually get that comment a lot, so :) )
(No prob! Glad to help! ^^)
(Hey Guys, sorry I’ve been inactive and I ageee with everything Dusty said about your writing, it is amazing!)
(Thanks so much Carys! Also, how are you feeling? I noticed the ranting chat and just wanted to check up. This is an easier place to talk cause it's just the 3 of us, so if ever you feel like it I'm all ears)
(Well, emotionally I’m a wreck so that’s fun but the situation on the ranting chat… it’s ongoing, I haven’t put much thought into it since I’ve been busy this past weekend)
(That's fine, no need to pull it out of you :) just know I''m here)