Anyone wanna proof-read each others writing? (Closed.)

Anyone?

Me. May I help?

Yes! How would you like to do this?

Hi I’m interested if u still have a spot

I can just upload what I have so far, and you can critique. Feel free to say anything you want. I have no feelings.

Same tho ^^

And how about we all critique each others. But maybe we should put a limit on the amount of people on this forum. With too many people, I think that with too many people, it'll get crazy.

alrighty, both of you go ahead ill take a look.

Yeah

also I think the three of us is good

Yep

This is what I've gotten typed so far. (I'm transferring it from notebook to computer)

Alaric strolled down the street, trying to look normal. “Hah! Normal. That’s a good one.” He chuckled to himself. He was heading up-town to his favorite coffee shop to reward himself.
What had he done to deserve this special treat you ask? Well. Alaric is a werewolf. Trust me. He didn’t exactly ask to be a werewolf.
He had pissed off a teenage werewolf when he was twelve. How? He accidentally embarrassed the guy by stumbling into him and knocking the teen into a deep mud puddle. He had apologized profusely to no effect on the werewolf. Alaric hadn’t even known the kid was a werewolf.
That night was a full moon. The teenager positioned himself outside of Alaric’s window. Next thing Alaric knew, a wolf was leaping out of the window, and he was lying in the middle of a mess of shattered glass, bleeding from a giant bite on his shoulder. He remembered his mom rushing in, and then her holding him close, crying, while he dad called an ambulance. The poison from the bite was coursing through his bloodstream, changing his DNA. When the poison reached his heart, he blacked out.
Now, he was a werewolf. But he restrained himself every full moon, keeping himself from hurting any innocent people. He was on his way to reward himself for another full moon gone by without incident.
It was rare that he actually had money to treat himself. Being a werewolf made it hard to find a job. The only way he managed to get money was by doing odd jobs for different people and from a werewolf charity when he needed to. Sometimes people overpaid him for a job, and he went back at night to put the extra money in their mailbox with a note thanking them for their generosity. But he did put aside some money once in a while for treats.
He arrived at the coffee shop.It was a cozy little place called “The Coffee Bean Brew”. It was run by a middle aged witch named Seraphina. She accepted every kind of creature in her shop. As long as they behaved. Back when Alaric was fifteen, a street dog brought him here and bought him a latte as a thank you for helping him escape from a particularly nasty dog catcher. Now, five years and two months later, he kept coming back every few months or so to get a treat, and catch up on what was going on in the majikal world. Generally humans didn’t know about this side of reality, but sometimes they get pulled into it one way or another. But most humans would look at a troll or an elf, and just see a normal human. And a lot of the humans’ ideas about majikal creatures were quite off. An exaple would be gnomes. Picture a gnome. Now throw that picture out of the window. Here’s what a gnome looks like: Picture a child about 9-10. Now give them sharp claws and teeth, and purple cat eyes. And don’t forget a wood-like skin. That’s a gnome.

I love it! The explanation that you write as you go fits in perfectly. I like that you are narrating his life.

Thanks. Paperok? Any opinions?

( I know it still says closed, but I need desperate help for a short story I am writing.)

talking to Turtle and Paperok What do you guys say? I think four wouldn't be too bad. Makes it even. It's ultimately up to you guys.

I'm fine with it, what about you turtle?
Also Whisper, that's a nice excerpt you sent. well put-together.

Yeah i think it works

Welcome to the team LAFFETTE :D

YAY! Let me finish copying it up to the computer since I wrote most of it down. WARNING I suck at writing.

Lol kk

Alright this is what I have so far and it sucks

The girl walked into the room. She had long, wavy black hair with radiant blue tips at the ends, pale blue eyes that were as electrifying as lightening, her skin is pale, but not too pale, and she looked around 14.
I am Alexina Gillings. She said to herself quietly.
Alexina or otherwise known as Alex had lived a horrible life, a life no child should have ever lived. At the age of birth, her parents gave her away and she was sent into a abusive family by foster care. After her parents gave her away, there was said to be a huge fire at the house and that they died in it.By the age of 7, she ran away from that family, but was caught by the system. Ever since, she had been running from every foster home, some stays lasting longer than others. Everytime, the system caught her.
Water trickled down the side of her face as she studied herself in the mirror.
I am Alexina Gillings and I will not lie. She reminded herself once again, you could hear the hollowness in her voice. Many times she had ran and with that many times she had lied. She lied to the point where she didn’t know who she was anymore, that she was someone else. Those lies tore her down and shredded her to pieces. The girl she once was, was dead. Only a shadow remained. She gave herself one last look in the mirror before she turned around and started walking away. That was until something caught her eye at the edge of her vision. It looked like there was a ripple in the mirror, like it was made of liquid. She looked over bewildered.
Gods, I’m hallucinating now. She thought to herself.
“Alex, get your butt down these stairs this minute” A high-pitched shrill called up from upstairs. In annoyance, she sighed and rolled her eyes. She grudgingly got out of her room and walked down the stairs. Waiting at the bottom was a slim, but grim women.
“About time? Your new family will be here any minute!” She exasperated.
Charlette Smith was her name. She use to be a successful business women which explained her grim appearance. Her husband had died in a plane crash and she quit her job and worked at foster care homes for reasons even Alex didn’t know. A few rooms away, her friend Zoe Melana was listening to their conversation. She was around the same age as Alex, but she had shoulder-length dirty hair that was usually put up in a ponytail with a braid trailing on the side.
Once Charlette was done fussing over Alex, Alex crossed over into the room where Zoe was waiting.
“Well at least we’re going together.” She said quietly.
“Yeah, I don’t know what I would do without you either.” She answered back and squeezed Alex’s hand for comfort. Alex smiled a little. Zoe was one of the only people she could only try to be herself. Than voices filled the silent air.
“Gosh, I can’t wait to meet them.”
“Calm down mom, they probably don’t to meet their new mom over-ridded.”
A couple of two walked into the room followed by a boy, who Alex assumed was their son. Mrs.Smith crossed over to greet them.
“This is Mrs and Mr Holland with their son Chris.” She introduced the family.
They looked friendly enough and they looked very excited and hyper, except for the boy Chris. He had short brown messy hair, sun-kissed skin, he looked serious and stern. He was also slim, however he was muscular and carried an aura of confidence. Zoe gave them a friendly wave and Alex just sat there not knowing what to do. Mrs.Smith paid no attention to them as she talked with the adults.
“Now before you take the girls home, I need you to fill out some paperwork. If you can just follow me into the back room, while the girls still need to pack their stuff.” She instructed before walking away with the grown-ups in tow. Alex gave Zoe a look before swiftly running upstairs to get her things. Her room was located on the other side of the house. It was a small room and it was plain. There was a lamp that hung from the ceiling, an old nightstand that has stood in that little corner for many years with another lamp on top. Her bed was sitting next to the window, but besides that her room was mostly barren. She bent over and grabbed her backpack that was hidden under her bed which wasn’t the best hiding spot. It contained some of her electronic and things that were personal to her. She slung the backpack over her shoulder and stroll downstairs. Like her, Zoe hardly had anything herself except the contains in her bag. Just on time, they had just finished signing all the papers and Chris sat on the couch. Alex could hardly tell what he was thinking about since his face showed no emotion.
It was all a daze for Alex as they all got in the car. Thoughts swirled around in her mind as she looked out the window. What was the ripple in the mirror? Will it happen again? How long will I have to stay? She questioned herself.
“So Alex, have you ever traveled much?”
That question snapped her out of her thoughts.
“ Well, not really, I mostly stick the area although it’s rare I’d ever made it out of the state.” Alex thought out her words before speaking them.
She was glad that she was finally out of the state, but it was home. What was hours, seemed liked minutes to Alex before the car pulled into the driveway.
“Home sweet home, Wyoming!” Mr. Holland exclaimed and stretched his body outside the car. This surprised Alex very much, Wyoming! How long has this drive been!? She thought to herself. Wyoming seemed long ways off of Washington, it made her homesick a bit. She looked around the house. There was a huge tree in the front yard, the house itself was white and grand with a little garage next to it. Alex could make out what would be a forest behind the house. Well this is going to be great! Alex grabbed her backpack and stepped up to the front porch where Mrs. Holland swung the door open. Alex walked into the house and saw how nice it was on the inside. Alex had been in nice houses before, but this was one of the best. Alex decided to take a look upstairs to see where her room would be. There were many rooms upstairs and Alex thought she would already be lost in the house.
“Need help?” A low, gruff voice asked from behind.
Alex spun around in alarm and saw that it was Chris and the closeness of his presence made her a bit nervous.
“Um yeaahh.” She replied slowly.
“Sorry, everyone seems to think I’m creepy and weird so why not show you you’re room.” He apologized and directed her to her room, running his fingers through his hair. Alex looked puzzled and obeyed as she followed him to her room. It was a bit larger than the room she was use to having at the foster home.

I think it’s great! The only things I’d say are

PuNcTuAtIoN

And also keep the tenses consistent. Besides that, I like it! I’m intrigued!

Ooh! I like the mix of Alex and Chris. They seem to have a faint connection already. And I like how you had Alex's friend join her. Though, (my friend gave me this tip.) instead of just listing off a description of the person, try and incorporate the descriptions as you go along. Here's an example: Chris sat on the couch, his (this is just an example) hazel eyes like glowing embers, burning a hole into her soul, seemingly searching it. He turned away, finally, flipping his messy, short, brown, hair out of his face, crossing his muscular arms. [ Remember, this is just an example. Feel free to do what you want though.

Wow, I never thought about it in that way. Thanks!

No problem!

Welp, I guess it's my turn lol, it'll be weird without context but I hope it won't ruin the understandability

50- Exempt
"Jackson!" Zaura rushed to Jackson's side, he was face-down on the sidewalk seemingly motionless. Checking his pulse she rolled him over onto his back, Jackson was matted with dirt and blood. Zaura let out a great breath and sat back, the fighting was slowing down, the streets were littered with debris and corpses. "It's over Jackie," she said running her fingers through his hair "I'm so sorry"

"Whotet!" A few soldiers came from further down the street, Kaylee was with them. "Is he alive?" a medic approached her, Zaura nods and gets out of his way as he looks Jackson over. Kaylee gives Zaura a long look, Zaura felt a respect for that woman, it was hard not to after everything she had done.

"Zaura," Kaylee placed her hand on Zaura's shoulder "thank you." Zaura gave her a smile

"Don't be thanking me-" Zaura noticed Michael in the back of the group, she shoved past them and pulled him into a tight hug. Michael embraced her weakly as Zaura lifted him a few inches off the ground. Breaking apart, Michael huffs

"We won, didn't we?" he says quietly, Zaura nods.

"Yes"

Kaylee tore her eyes from the touching reunion happening behind her as her radio buzzed.

"Bird2 has found Queen Ashley's shuttle, it appears to have crashed" One of the pilot's voices ring through the radio "landing for recon," Kaylee wipes her brow

"Understood" A chuckle escaped Kaylee's lips, they did it.

The pilot landed his shuttle carefully in the bumpy field. The other scouted the nearby area as he stepped outside and approached the wreckage of the Queen's ship, looking over the torn parts he realized that there were two ships.

"What the hell" He circled the wreckage curiously until he found the cockpit and the Queen. "Hey there" She appeared to be alive, though unconscious. I could kill her, he thought, tell them she died in the wreck. He steps closer drawing a knife from its sheath on his breast.

"What are you doing?" Ashley spoke and the pilot froze in his tracks. "Help me" The pilot hesitates as Ashley opens her eyes, she sees the knife. "This galaxy needs me" she struggles a bit but gives up giving her legs a long look. her legs must be stuck, the pilot observes. "You have to see that" She looks deep into his eyes "You have to understand"

"We cant evolve with you holding us down" he is surprised by his own voice. Ashley shakes her head

"My sisters have been killed, a new age is already upon us, fresh minds placed on the thrones of the galaxy, you do not need to kill me when I am willing to accept change!" The pilot looks her up and down assessing her injuries, her legs are pinned under the steering panel. "Help your Queen." The pilot lowers his guard, his mind visibly swarming with conflicting thoughts. His radio buzzes.

"The area is clear, whats going on down there?" The pilot goes for his radio, at the same moment, the queen flinches, the pilot shrugs it off but is shoved to the side by another man who aims his hand at the queen screaming at the top of his lungs

"DIE" there is a burst of condensed blue light from the cockpit, it tears through the man's shoulder and he falls backward. The pilot regains his balance and sees the Queen's outstretched arm, aimed at him. He sidesteps a second blast and whips out his gun pointing it at her. She does not lower her arm.

"I'm sorry," she says "I got carried away, you can put the gun down" The pilot looks over to the man Ashley shot, the blast detached his arm at the shoulder. He looks familiar but is covered with cuts and burns obscuring his face.

"Put that lethal arm of yours down first," The pilot says returning his attention to Ashley. She obliges and turns her attention to her legs

"Help me," she feels up the panel. "I have to address the people" The pilot gives the incapacitated man another look, he is still breathing, clutching the place where his arm was. He was saying something. Ashley fired another blast but much more limited, shaving off the metal and glass restricting her. The pilot knelt down beside the man,

"Kill her, hurry" the man whispered desperately, "kill her!" The pilot looked back up to see the Queen standing over him, aiming her hand at the man. "Kuhrihsuh." The garbled sound echoed in the pilots head, why hadn't Ashley killed him yet? She simply stared at the pilot, hand remained still, she was crying. What is happening? the pilot wondered as he stood up.

"It has always been this way hasn't it." Ashley balled her hand into a shaking fist. "Ever since I rose I damaged this galaxy and torn apart civilization after civilization" The pilot listened, silent as she went on. "I wanted to be something they could never be, I wanted to do what they could never do. To surpass perfection. Why am I faltering now?" She opened her palm and with a primal screech, she fires a blast at Cameron. The blast misses his head by a foot but she somehow doesn't seem to notice or care, she turns and starts limping away. The pilot picks up his radio

"I have the Queen, requesting orders." Kaylee's voice comes over the radio

"What is her condition?"

"She is injured but stable"

"Kill her." The pilot goes silent for a moment watching Ashley limp farther and farther. He looks down to the man,

"I need medical assistance as well, I have a severely injured civilian here"

'Understood, I'll send someone"

"Hurry." The pilot follows after Ashley, he raises his gun and fires once into her back. The Queen crumples and lands on her face. He approaches her as she grunts and squirms on the ground, apparently, he hit a lung. He kneels beside her unsheathing his knife, she looks up at him, her eyes seem so calm it's unnerving. He stares into them for a moment, "You tried your best" he brushes the hair away from her neck. "It just wasn't enough" He inserts the blade into her jugular and leaves it there. He stands and notices another shuttle, some men exit and swarm around the injured man. He looks back down at the Queen of the Galaxy, Ashley Shinzen, dead.

hey! I know its closed and you don't have to but id really appreciate if I could join
gracias

also I LOVE YOUR WORK its so dam good

I don't mind if everyone else doesn't mind

Eeeeerrrr… I don't know… Maybe one last person, but I mean THE LAST! By the way Bianca, I love the nickname! PJO is awesome.