can some one look at my story please???

No one seems to want to say anything about it https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3313466/1/A-Small-Incubus

I read the first chapter!

• The basic things I noticed was a lot of grammatical and spelling and sentence structure mistakes, but once you go through and edit the draft, it should be good. If I was going to point out all the sentences I thought you could change, it would probably take awhile, but don't be disheartened by that. I think all the elements for good writing are there! It'll just be a matter of editing.
• I also thought you could've introduced the eight-legged horses in a less tell-y way and a more show-y way.
• It was hard to imagine the incubi, you should at least describe their basic size and shape from the start.
• You use "hell" a lot, starts getting cliche.
• I'm not really sure, but I think all the blood you described might be too much for a four-year-old sized creature suffering from malnutrition.
  There were other little things, but I think those were the things that jumped out the most.

Overall, I actually loved it. I don't usually enjoy just random people's writing on the internet, but this was really interesting, well-imagined, and a cool plot so far! I just wanna say, the little incubus kid just seemed so ADORABLE to me. You wrote it in such a way that I was really feeling for the little guy! I could totally imagine the whole scene after the doctor chased the other incubi away (besides what the incubus actually look like). Well done!

Thank you so much this was the kind of review I was looking for! Now that I reread it, there was probably too much blood described. I guess my discripting skills need a bit of work, but I'll do my best. Thank you for advise!

Yeah no problem! I can tell that this could be an amazing book if you keep at it.

Also imma go ahead and read the second chapter…

Oh thanks!

did you ever read it?

Yes! Sorry it took me awhile to respond.

But yeah, I read chapter 2! I LOVE Hugh and the incubus kid so much! Please keep writing it, I really love it. I honestly do. I have your page bookmarked now.