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I wrote a poem for the first time

@whimsicalwaterbuffalos_aka_ellia_ forum 5 comments schedule

"I want to remember the freckles on your cheek
I want to remember every word you speak
I want to know the colors in your eyes
I want to know every thought in your mind
I want to remember the strands of your hair
I want to remember the way you stare
I want to remember everything you do
I want to remember everything about you"

Ok, this was really quick and I've never written a full poem before, but I thought the first two lines about somebody and had to expand on it. I'll edit it later, but does anybody have any feedback? I need some tips about how to make somebody feel something from this. I also want to change some of the lines, but I have no ideas. Tips?

flash_on
@andrew flash_onAdmin
verified_user Mod Admin

It's kind of hard to give feedback on poetry since a lot of it depends on just how it feels, but one thing I'd offer is to read it out loud (and/or have someone else read it out loud) and listen to the cadence of how it reads.

For example, take a look at the syllable count in every line. It starts out even on the first two lines which can guide the reader to be able to expect a rhythm for future lines, but then drops significantly on line 3 (so the reader might think syllables match per couplet) but then line 4 has 1 extra syllable. None of this is wrong of course, but I think that rhythm is super important in poetry, especially when other people are reading it. You want to give them as many hints as you can as to how to read it so they can make it sound good in their head. Adding/removing bits like adjectives can change the length of your lines and also provide a little extra when e.g. you can fit a strong adjective/adverb in. :)

theinnocentchild

Mr. andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer) makes a strong point. As a fellow poem/song writer person, I guess I kind of know how to help (a little). Rhythm is one of the main things that makes poetry flow the way it does. A good thing about this poem is that I can tell that it's full of emotion, like you took the words out of your heart and wrote them on paper (or in this case, typed them). Try to keep poems from being too wordy or complicated, so the reader can feel the words more than how it's written. Also, make sure the syllables in each line are pretty consistent, making the rhythm work a little better, if that makes sense. Overall, it's good though. I mean, my first poem probably wasn't as good as this. Keep at it, and soon, your poems will be really good. :)

thank youuuu :D it helps a lot

Jade Sheldon

"I want to remember the freckles on your cheek
I want to remember every word you speak
I want to know the colors in your eyes
I want to know every thought in your mind
I want to remember the strands of your hair
I want to remember the way you stare
I want to remember everything you do
I want to remember everything about you"

Ok, this was really quick and I've never written a full poem before, but I thought the first two lines about somebody and had to expand on it. I'll edit it later, but does anybody have any feedback? I need some tips about how to make somebody feel something from this. I also want to change some of the lines, but I have no ideas. Tips?
This poem is really beautiful