Notebook.ai

@Masterkey July 19, 2018

Starting with @lonnielei:

Louie

How long during the story will he stay so underweight? 130lbs for a 6 foot grown man is very underweight, not that healthy. If you use a bmi calculator, it would put him in the "high risk" category for health problems. I understand that you said he came out of a war, but then the part where you say girls in general like his skinny type makes me think that he should gain at least 20lbs more sometime soon? Or maybe you're talking about when he's at a normal weight he's got that "on the thinner side" look? I guess I'm just confused.
Ayyy Percy Jackson hair. Only the best, I agreeee
I feel like almost every person on this site puts a scar as their character's identifying mark. There's nothing inherently wrong with scars being the identifying mark, but it's beginning to be unoriginal. I usually think about the "identifying mark" section as, what do people say (or think to themselves) when they're pointing him out? For example: "Oh, it's the person over there with the purple hair," or "She's the one with the ten ear piercings," or "He's the one in the wheelchair." It's the first thing people see about your character, it's a "mark" people "identify" your character by. He can certainly have those scars, but they don't have to be his identifying mark. If it's integral to your plot that those scars be the identifying mark, then that's fine. Just know that it isn't super original (which also isn't necessarily a problem :P).
So in the mannerisms when you say that he gives off a mysterious vibe, will you be describing it as a "vibe," or will you give him physical mannerisms that make people associate his movements with being mysterious?
"Survival and recognition. He wants terribly to be acknowledged for doing something good." And I'm guessing something so widely recognized that he's famous? Is that the kind of recognition you mean?
I'm having a hard time understanding his deep desire to do something good coupled with his intent to do anything for his survival. It sounds like maybe yeah, he wishes he could be good, but that dream is mostly wishful thinking because survival comes first?
Noice, a boy scout. Seriously, as a girl benefitting from the boy scouts, boys who have been scouts are such a blessing. Whenever I need pain killer, they've got it. Sprained an ankle? No problem. Can't figure out where to go on a hike? HE'S GOT A FREAKING COMPASS. Bandaids, tape, DUCT TAPE, string, a knife… like I said, such a blessing. XD cough I'mtoolazytocarryanyofthatstuffmyselfnow cough
The way you wrote his personality type is so palpable! I love it.
I LOVE MY MOM'S LASAGNA TOO
Woah woah woah, drinking and smoking at five years old? There's gotta be way too many serious health consequences to that?

Overall, I liked his character. :) It would be awesome to see him in action!

Cynthia

Wow, her mannerisms are so detailed! This little part in it though: "She doesn't try to sugarcoat things and won't let herself get hurt, she'll jump out of a toxic relationship quicker than it takes to say she wished she'd never been in said relationship in the first place." That's more a sentence that belongs in the personality section, (and now just a bit worried about her and Louie with the little I know of Louie, heh), but other than that, GREAT JOB :D
I love her motivation, it's very sweet and definitely worthy of being a person's motivation. But (and you don't have to take this suggestion) I'd probably put in another motivation that is more long-term (like Louie's), and that doesn't only apply to Louie. Something that maybe she's wanted since childhood, and wouldn't change whether or not Louie was in a good place.
Man I basically have nothing bad to say about her, but what about the history section? It'd be a good way to show how she came to be the way she is. I'd love to read it.

So that's all I've got! I think you've done a great job with both of them. Good luck!

@Masterkey July 19, 2018

Lol I kept calling him "Louis" on accident. I know a guy named Louis, that's why. Fixed it. XD

@lonnielei July 19, 2018

Starting with @lonnielei:

Louie

How long during the story will he stay so underweight? 130lbs for a 6 foot grown man is very underweight, not that healthy. If you use a bmi calculator, it would put him in the "high risk" category for health problems. I understand that you said he came out of a war, but then the part where you say girls in general like his skinny type makes me think that he should gain at least 20lbs more sometime soon? Or maybe you're talking about when he's at a normal weight he's got that "on the thinner side" look? I guess I'm just confused.

Ayyy Percy Jackson hair. Only the best, I agreeee

I feel like almost every person on this site puts a scar as their character's identifying mark. There's nothing inherently wrong with scars being the identifying mark, but it's beginning to be unoriginal. I usually think about the "identifying mark" section as, what do people say (or think to themselves) when they're pointing him out? For example: "Oh, it's the person over there with the purple hair," or "She's the one with the ten ear piercings," or "He's the one in the wheelchair." It's the first thing people see about your character, it's a "mark" people "identify" your character by. He can certainly have those scars, but they don't have to be his identifying mark. If it's integral to your plot that those scars be the identifying mark, then that's fine. Just know that it isn't super original (which also isn't necessarily a problem :P).

So in the mannerisms when you say that he gives off a mysterious vibe, will you be describing it as a "vibe," or will you give him physical mannerisms that make people associate his movements with being mysterious?

"Survival and recognition. He wants terribly to be acknowledged for doing something good." And I'm guessing something so widely recognized that he's famous? Is that the kind of recognition you mean?

I'm having a hard time understanding his deep desire to do something good coupled with his intent to do anything for his survival. It sounds like maybe yeah, he wishes he could be good, but that dream is mostly wishful thinking because survival comes first?

Noice, a boy scout. Seriously, as a girl benefitting from the boy scouts, boys who have been scouts are such a blessing. Whenever I need pain killer, they've got it. Sprained an ankle? No problem. Can't figure out where to go on a hike? HE'S GOT A FREAKING COMPASS. Bandaids, tape, DUCT TAPE, string, a knife… like I said, such a blessing. XD cough I'mtoolazytocarryanyofthatstuffmyselfnow cough

The way you wrote his personality type is so palpable! I love it.

I LOVE MY MOM'S LASAGNA TOO

Woah woah woah, drinking and smoking at five years old? There's gotta be way too many serious health consequences to that?

Overall, I liked his character. :) It would be awesome to see him in action!

Cynthia

Wow, her mannerisms are so detailed! This little part in it though: "She doesn't try to sugarcoat things and won't let herself get hurt, she'll jump out of a toxic relationship quicker than it takes to say she wished she'd never been in said relationship in the first place." That's more a sentence that belongs in the personality section, (and now just a bit worried about her and Louie with the little I know of Louie, heh), but other than that, GREAT JOB :D

I love her motivation, it's very sweet and definitely worthy of being a person's motivation. But (and you don't have to take this suggestion) I'd probably put in another motivation that is more long-term (like Louie's), and that doesn't only apply to Louie. Something that maybe she's wanted since childhood, and wouldn't change whether or not Louie was in a good place.

Man I basically have nothing bad to say about her, but what about the history section? It'd be a good way to show how she came to be the way she is. I'd love to read it.

So that's all I've got! I think you've done a great job with both of them. Good luck!

Thank you so much! Addressing your question about his motivation… it’s not so much that he wants to do something good that’ll get him famous, it’s that he wants recognition after being good.
(And,,,, yeah. Drinking and smoking at 5 years old. I borrowed that part of his past from a dude in real life.) He won’t stay 130 pounds for very long, Cynthia and his parents spoil him quite a bit. ;p

Thank you so much, again! I appreciate it. (You can be Louie’s lasagna buddy if you want. 😂😂😂)

@faltering_through July 20, 2018

Slowly walks in hesitantly, all nervous and junkU-umm…I'd also like my character critiqued. I'm not really a person that puts himself out there much, but I'm willing to do this, because I desperately want to improve so uhhh….here he is, my character that is:

@Masterkey July 20, 2018

@mckapo Okay, moving on to your character!

Ooooh Peter Pan, I see? One of my first crushes. firm nod
His eye color is wine, but wine has too many colors for me to imagine it well. There are all sorts of shades of white wine, there's rose wine, the different shades of red wine: is his eye color supposed to be "mysteriously" wine-colored?
His mannerisms seem to be more like character traits: "Sarcastic, Calm, Quirky, Calculating, Indifferent." There's nothing wrong with those character traits (except quirky, which I find to be too broad of a description. How exactly is he quirky, differentiating him from other "quirky" people?), but I think of the mannerisms section as being for their physical quirks. How do they hold themselves around others, what physical movements do they do often, or which ones do they do when feeling a certain way, etc. "Sarcastic" is a character trait, while "picks his nose" is a mannerism.
The motivation "finding out his purpose" is a great one, but does he have any immediate motivations in life that move him to do certain things? Like, "take care of so-and-so," "be the best at sword-fighting," "mess with Hook at every opportunity," etc? That would help direct his actions in the short run (making it easier for you, the writer) throughout the book.
What's the difference between "magic" and "nature magic"?
So would you say his flute playing is a talent but not a hobby? And now I'm very curious about your version of Peter Pan, cursing his existence.
As for the personality type, I'd go further in describing it other than labeling him with an MBTI type. You could explore the list you gave before in the mannerisms section by describing each one further, explaining how each one manifests itself. Describe how others perceive him in general, and how he perceives himself. Sometimes, people will think someone is feeling one thing (based on how they look), while they're actually feeling another. And also often times the character themselves will think they're feeling one thing, but aren't being honest with themselves. It's also a good opportunity to explore how they act alone, with close friends, and in public.
His arch-enemy is Pan?? 0.o Now I'm REALLY curious.
Wow I love his background. This is seriously a story I'd want to read (plus I've loved Peter Pan for forever).

So that's all I've got for him! Looks like you've got a great foundation for an epic story there. Good luck!

@mckapo July 20, 2018

@mckapo Okay, moving on to your character!

Ooooh Peter Pan, I see? One of my first crushes. firm nod

same here, same here

His eye color is wine, but wine has too many colors for me to imagine it well. There are all sorts of shades of white wine, there's rose wine, the different shades of red wine: is his eye color supposed to be "mysteriously" wine-colored?

I guess i meant like that dark purply color of wine…

His mannerisms seem to be more like character traits: "Sarcastic, Calm, Quirky, Calculating, Indifferent." There's nothing wrong with those character traits (except quirky, which I find to be too broad of a description. How exactly is he quirky, differentiating him from other "quirky" people?), but I think of the mannerisms section as being for their physical quirks. How do they hold themselves around others, what physical movements do they do often, or which ones do they do when feeling a certain way, etc. "Sarcastic" is a character trait, while "picks his nose" is a mannerism.

yeah I got confused with the mannerisms and traits I guess haha thank you for the clarification (:

The motivation "finding out his purpose" is a great one, but does he have any immediate motivations in life that move him to do certain things? Like, "take care of so-and-so," "be the best at sword-fighting," "mess with Hook at every opportunity," etc? That would help direct his actions in the short run (making it easier for you, the writer) throughout the book.

What's the difference between "magic" and "nature magic"?

So would you say his flute playing is a talent but not a hobby? And now I'm very curious about your version of Peter Pan, cursing his existence.

As for the personality type, I'd go further in describing it other than labeling him with an MBTI type. You could explore the list you gave before in the mannerisms section by describing each one further, explaining how each one manifests itself. Describe how others perceive him in general, and how he perceives himself. Sometimes, people will think someone is feeling one thing (based on how they look), while they're actually feeling another. And also often times the character themselves will think they're feeling one thing, but aren't being honest with themselves. It's also a good opportunity to explore how they act alone, with close friends, and in public.

His arch-enemy is Pan?? 0.o Now I'm REALLY curious.

his mind is his own worst enemy.

Wow I love his background. This is seriously a story I'd want to read (plus I've loved Peter Pan for forever).

So that's all I've got for him! Looks like you've got a great foundation for an epic story there. Good luck!

Thank you so much!!!! youre awesome!

@Masterkey July 20, 2018

Thank you so much! Addressing your question about his motivation… it’s not so much that he wants to do something good that’ll get him famous, it’s that he wants recognition after being good.
(And,,,, yeah. Drinking and smoking at 5 years old. I borrowed that part of his past from a dude in real life.) He won’t stay 130 pounds for very long, Cynthia and his parents spoil him quite a bit. ;p

Thank you so much, again! I appreciate it. (You can be Louie’s lasagna buddy if you want. 😂😂😂)

Forgot to say you're welcome! :P And his motivation makes more sense now, as well as the drinking and smoking thing. I tried looking up what health repercussions could come about from drinking and smoking at that young, but since there aren't many examples right off the bat in a google search it was hard to tell for sure when I was critiquing. Again, I really like them both, and I'll bet they're fun to write! (I will take you up on the offer to be his lasagna buddy :D)