Felix: The only reason I stoop to participate in a charity to benefit myself, everyone else is just a freeloader with no job
Em to Austin: Why do you have a bat, no one has a ball
Jarrod to Felix on Halloween: Oh, what are you supposed to be, a disappointment?
Felix: I'm not wearing a costume this year
Jarrod: I didn't say you were
Felix looking at a picture of Austin that's on the mantle:
Felix: I'm not sure why this is still up here. He's dead now.
Austin, very much alive: I'm right fucking here
Felix: What?
Austin, at a family party: Ugh, why is everyone asking me so many personal questions? Mind your business.
Austin, to his Uber driver: And that might be where my PTSD and trust issues stem from. So anyway, do you believe in God?
Mel, a closeted lesbian, about a cute girl: I just think she's neat
Austin: At least I'm going to die doing something I love.
Mel: And that is?
Austin Beating the absolute shit out of someone who deserves it.
Felix: I'm not interested in being polite or heterosexual.
Austin, stepping in a puddle of spilled water at three in the morning while wearing socks: Damn it.
Felix, slamming the vodka he was drinking: Let's watch the fucking language, holy shit-
Felix: Jarrod, I borrowed one of your sweaters.
Jarrod, looking at Felix wearing an "ok boomer" sweatshirt: Okay.
Austin: You’re really campaigning for bitch of the year, huh?
Mel: As the defending champion, are you nervous?
Sirens: Go off
Em, who's never done anything illegal in her life: Oh no, they've found me-
Felix: You can't expose me, I overshare my entire life.
Felix, probably: People say I can’t use they/them pronouns ‘cause it’s plural, but have you considered that I’m actually thirty rats stacked in a trench coat?
Felix: To be honest, I almost think of you all as fr… f…
Jarrod:
Felix F… fffff… frien…
Jarrod: Take your time.
Jarrod: Oh, their breadsticks are like crack
Felix: I love when people say "like crack" who have obviously never done crack
Jarrod: Well, their breadsticks are like what then, Tabby? What can I use?
Felix: I'd say you could use "These breadsticks are sex" but the same problem applies-
Austin: You're a manipulator
Joseph: I like to think of myself as an outcome engineer
Joseph: I'm kidding of course, you're completely right
Jarrod: Remember when we didn't solve all our problems with attempted murder?
Felix: Stop romanticizing the past.
Felix: I screwed up big time.
Jarrod: Felix given your daily life experiences, you're going to need to be a little more specific.
Jarrod: If the plan goes wrong, where should we regroup?
Austin: Hell
Mel: Could you at least smile? It'll make me less nervous.
Austin: Awkward forced smile
Mel: Nevermind, that did not help.
Felix: We're facing an enemy we don't know and technology we don't understand. This isn't the time to be asking questions.
Austin: Really sounds like it is.
Joseph: I'm going to taco bell, want anything?
Austin: My family back.
Joseph:
Joseph: Yeah, I've got like 12 dollars.
Felix, drunk: I know what you’re all thinking. Birth is a curse and existence is a prison.
Felix: This is fun.
Jarrod: We're hiding a body.
Austin: Hey Varian, fuck, marry, kill with Adam Sandler, Chris Pratt, and The Rock.
Jarrod, without looking up: Fuck Chris Pratt, marry The Rock and kill Felix.
Felix: I wasn't even in the question???
Jarrod: I am at a loss for words.
Lemony Snicket, appearing out of the shadows unnoticed : Despite being lost for words, Jarrod proceeded to yell at Felix and Austin for an hour straight, in the way only a non-biological parent can.
Jarrod: Damn, the power went out.
Felix: Don't worry, I got this!
Felix: (shakes rapidly until his stomach starts to glow)
Jarrod: What the fuck.
Felix: I swallowed a flashlight.
Jarrod, on the verge of cardiac arrest: WHY WOULD YOU-
Jarrod: Hey, Austin what are you drinking?
Austin: The tears of my enemies.
Jarrod:
Em: Hot chocolate. He's drinking hot chocolate.
Felix on trial for murder
Judge: Would you please sit up straight?
Felix: I'll sit as gayly as I please
[Felix immediately gets thrown in jail for contempt of court]
Jarrod: Felix, can I talk to you for a minute?
Felix: Oooh, someone's in trouble!
Felix: It's me. I don't know why I did that.
Austin: Can I get a waffle?
Felix and Jarrod: Throwing hands
Austin: Can I please get a waffle?
Mel: Austin, how do you even expect to pull this off?
Austin: We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it
Mel: …I’m pretty sure it’s we’ll ‘cross’ that bridge when we-
Austin: Not in this case.
Felix: Well. Uh… it's just that you're not that dynamic.
Austin: I can be dynamic. Exclamation point.
Felix: It's not that I like to hurt people, it's just that I'm really bad at not being an absolute asshole.
Austin: Oh jeez. I’m in so much trouble.
Felix: Where’s the body?
Austin: …What?
Felix: I asked you where the body was. I can help you hide it.
Austin: There’s no body.
Felix: Then what the hell are you in trouble for?
Random dude: I like a girl who’s good with money.
Mel: The city will bury you for free if they can’t identify your body, let me save you a few dollars-
Austin: I fucking love toast. What absolute genius took a bit of bread and said ‘cook it again.’ Incredible.
Felix: My greatest weakness is having no rigid exoskeleton. It means I can be easily stabbed.
Interviewer:
Felix: Oh you meant like personality wise-
Austin: Hey, you should run. Going to meetings, writing stuff down. You love that nerd stuff.
Mel: Writing stuff down is nerdy? What do you do?
Austin: I just forget stuff like a cool person.
Austin: Pass the salt.
Paige: What's the magic word?
Austin: Or else.
Paige: That's two words but point taken.
Mel: So Austin, do you have a crush on anyone?
Austin: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety.
Austin: What’s the worst decision you’ve made while you were drunk?
Felix: I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Felix: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
Jarrod: Bold of you to assume I like you anyway.
Austin: We're going to go tempt fate because fate's a bitch.
Joseph: Over my dead body!
Austin, readying a bat: That's fine by me.
Jarrod: Austin is at that special age where she has only one thing on her mind.
Felix: Romance?
Austin: Homicide.
Felix: It is no concern of mine whether you have- what was it again?
Austin: Food.
Felix: Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became a peasant.
Em: Alright, I called you all to this meeting because some of us don't get along.
Jarrod: Felix and I are literally the only people you called here.
Austin: Listen, am I the most attractive guy out there? Of course not. But do I have a good personality? No. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person I can? Also no.
Felix: You don't have to yell.
Jarrod: I'm not yelling! We just happen to be in a lot of trouble here.
Felix: It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice.
Jarrod: It's not a tone, I'M PANICKING!
Jarrod: Guys, I think we have a problem.
Felix: What, the fire?
Jarrod: No, the- wait. What fire?
Felix: Forget about it, this sounds more interesting.
Felix: Hey! I haven’t seen you in forever!
Jarrod: Yes. That’s because I’ve been avoiding you.
Felix: Listen, have I ever put you in danger?
Jarrod: All the time.
Felix: Then you should be used to it.
Jarrod: Just got done cleaning all the dust off of last years Halloween candy to get ready for this year's trick or treaters.
Felix, 106 years old: So I said that if I don't become a rock star by 20, I'll become a serial killer.
Austin: Cool.
Austin: Wait, how old are you?
Felix: I failed the safety course.
Jarrod: Why? What happened?
Felix: Well, one of the questions was "In case of fire, what steps would you take?"
Jarrod: And?
Felix: Well, apparently "FUCKIN LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer.
Felix: Jarrod, have you seen the thing?
Jarrod, who just got home: What thing?
Felix, running about and answering distractedly: You know the thing! I think I misplaced it and it's really important!
Austin, walking past: Hey Jarrod
Felix: Ah! There it is!
Jarrod:
Jarrod: You lost Austin?
[playing Among Us]
Austin: Why did you call emergency meeting?
Felix: I missed you guys. ;(
Mel, nervously: Did you know kissing reduces stress?
Some girl: …okay?
Mel:
Some girl:
Mel: I'm just saying because you look stressed. Like really stressed.
Some girl:
Mel: Just wanted to let you know.
Collin: I have such fond memories of that hospital, It's a loving place of healing except for those who die
Felix: I love the term “partners.” It’s so ambiguous.
Felix: Are we lovers or are we robbing a bank together? Wouldn’t you like to know!
group
