i feel like i'm being attention-seeking by posting this here but oh well
i just talked myself into posting it because i know yall are nice enough to not make me feel bad on purpose so
alright lets do this before i chicken out again
~
ahhhhh-
im so tired hhhhhh
legit it's only 4am
and i woke up at 1pm !!
lkjdskjldfsl
actually i think i woke up at 11
maybe
idk
either way ive def been up over 12 hours
i can make it to 24, cant i?

actually why do i wanna make it to 24hrs?
to prove something?
to make myself tired?
to not sleep?
to make my body so exhausted?

i really don't know
oh wait-
i do, it's cause i don wanna miss stuff
god, has it really gotten so bad?
has it really gotten this bad that i purposely deprive myself of much needed sleep just to not miss anything?
ive seen it for myself,i don't miss anything in the early hours
it's only after 6-7 when people start to wake up
well i mean the europeans wake up anytime after like 11pm but that's different
they're europeans
and i only know two of them anyways

but yeah, i guess i must be really pathetic, huh?
for being so desperate to not miss anything
that i lose sleep while trying not to-
it's fecking 4am in the morning
i'm not supposed to be up
or online, actually for that matter

but yet here i am
on top of that i'm like always constantly dehydrated cause even when i do drink water its like only a little bit
never enough to actually help with my dehydration
i guess ive just dealt with it for so long that the thirst is just kinda normal
so if i feel thirsty, technically, ill be like
oh thats normal
i dont need water yet
and when i do actually feel thirsty its cause im severely dehydrated
well not severe
but mildly severe

anyways, this is so long
idk if i wanna post this to nb cause like
f e a r o f j u d g e m e n t
i just love being terrified of being judged, don't you?
yeah, its my favorite thing in the entire world
sarcasm

oh fun
well now i kinda feel depressed about nothing for no reason
and idk why
ahhhhhh i hate my brain why does it always do this to me-
alright iz, its okie
you can do this, the nb community is nice
they wont judge
and even if they do
they're nice enough not to make you feel bad on purpose
and if they are, its not gonna be one of the people you know
its gonna be some newbie or whatever
and if that happens, well you know what to do :)

aight sorry about that, some inner monologue i need to do sometimes
just to let myself know that things are okay
to make sure that the things i know are true are really true
i knew all of that
just kept doubting it

i think i can post this now, yeah?
it's no biggie, things will be alright :)