Hnng I've been realizing lately that I have a lot more internalized homophobia than I thought I did, and it's kinda fucking me up?? Like. It's not even directed at other people, ever, just like, internally. And so much of it is church/bible based because I never get a fucking break bc my parents won't let me stay home from church unless I'm sick, and I always have to go to youth group to, so it's just constant bible jesus straights only bullshit, y'know? And so my mental health is doing funky things just in general but there's also a lot of internalized homophobia that's coming to the surface? So yeah fuck the church because they really fucked me up. Like I keep doing the whole "but am I really queer?" Thing bc all I've ever heard is "LGBTQ is Bad" and like, I've never been in a relationship with someone of my same gender because I've always been so fucking isolated and homeschooled that I just,,, don't meet other queer ppl in real life, or if I do, we're both so far in the fucking closet that neither of us knows about the other. So I don't have an irl support system and then my parents do everything they can to control my internet and so I'm hardly ever able to get online and chat with y'all about it, so I end up just kinda trapped in this cycle with no one to talk to and yeah, I fucking need therapy, but I'm afraid that if I tell that to my parents they'll make me go to a christian therapist whose advice will amount to "pray it away" and won't actually help me with anything, so yeah. I just. Not doing phenomenal lately ahaha