Okay so I've been keeping a list of dumb/weird things I've heard people say and I just wanted to share it because some of them are PURE GOLD.
Weird Things I've Heard People Say
"Where is your sword??"
"I put it in my office because I don't want you harassing policemen with it again."
"I love wearing socks. They're my favorite mode of travel."
"Kansas isn't a state. It's in the U.S., but it's not a state, right?"
"I'm lookin' at your long hair and now I'm depressed. I'm thinking 'my gosh just strap me to a Harley and drag me down the Grand Canyon, that'll take care of it.'"
"I'm not goin' to hell yet, but I'm threadin' that needle."
"My golden rule is 'keep your pants on'."
"He looks like Gollum. Like, like a hot Gollum."
"What are some LEGAL ways you can make money? NOT involving robbing banks or selling drugs!"
"The Kardashians are just unskilled hot people."
"That's a real friend: Someone who's willing to KILL YOU."
"Dude, smoking your grandpa's ashes is NOT cool."
"The government is convincing me to eat a Dorito!"
"What are some things you negotiate on?"
"A car."
"Yes! What else?"
"A prostitute."
"Did you hear about the dude in [city near where I live] that set himself on fire???"
"That's why you take your meds. Just sayin'."
"Toasters??? You can't eat toasters!"
"You guys might not believe me, but I am a horse."
"If you need drugs and alcohol to have fun, you have a boring personality."
"Better than abortion: Sell your kids and we will make them into kickballs!"
"So the only reason he survived the Holocaust was because he had a knife and shoved it up his butthole."
"That car looks like a normal airplane, though."
"We'd already dropped two bombs on Japan, so what are we ready to drop now?"
"A BEAT"
dancing ensues
"Why do you have so many short pencils?? What is that, some sick fetish???"
"It's not a real party unless there are bagels involved."
"Why wash a car when you can just sneeze on it?"
"Stop using 'chicken nugget' as a verb."
"Could you imagine like an inverted sneeze. So like, instead of 'achoo', it's 'huach'."
"I thought K-pop was little kids singing and it was terrible. You know like we have CDs of it."
"That's Kidz Bop."
picks up hotel phone
"Hello I would like to order 16,000 cheese pizzas."
Front Desk Person: "Uhhh…"
"Woag."