Weird Things I've Heard People Say

"I just kazooted my kazoo out of my mouth."

"And to top it all off, I CRAPPED MY PANTS!"

"Good norning."

"Today I'm going to show you how to slice bread. But I don't have any bread. So I'm just gonna use an egg."

"Driving on the wrong side of the road. yep. THaTS WhAT MaILMaNS dO."

"What happens when you put metal in the microwave?"
"Fun."

"What's the most expensive car in the world?"
"200 minivans."

"Hey, you're really ugly, let me beat you with a stick."

"Beware ye BEES on this Hallows Day!"

"Hurry and eat your cotton candy before that car runs you over."

"I weigh 7 liters."

"My intelligence level is through the ground."

"I CAN FEEL IT FIGHTING AGAINST ME. LIKE… LIKE AN UNTAMED HORSE."

Reading tea leaves
"I see a weight lifter"
"Hmm. That's not in the book…"
"Ok how about a four-armed corpse?"

"My grandpa is loaded. He's getting old so we're like 'grandpa, write a will. I mean, we don't want you to die, but we want your money.'"

"My aunt has an English degree and she was an English professor and when she retired she wrote a thesaurus for every word that means 'fart'."

"There's a neighborhood next to mine that is named 'Dream's End' and it's really sad because that's where all the old people live."

"Don't speak ill of the dead!"
"I'll speak ill of the dead if I want! I'll also dance on their graves and DAB!"
dabs violently

"I once had a dream where my sister got kidnapped and held hostage by Mike Wazowski and when I tried to save her, Mike bit my hand off."

"What's on your bucket list? I want to go to a lantern fest."
"I want to be shot in the leg by a real gun."

"Would you marry someone who is 4'11'?"
"That's almost a legal midget. A legal midget is 4'10"."
"What's an illegal midget??"

"It's like Yahtzee!"
"Yahtzee?? Didn't they invade Germany??"

"Sometimes when a kid gets up from a chair at my work, the chair is just full of a bunch of sand."
"Where do you work??"
"I work for my dad's orthopedic surgery business."

"Whoever smelt it dealt it."
"Whoever said the rhyme did the crime"
"Whoever says the lime… gets the brine…"
"Whoever says the lime should be FRIED."

"mMMMmmmMMmmM. Biodegradable wipes."

"Shrek is my favorite anime."

"Bungee jumping with chains is my favorite hobby."

"Why do people think squinting helps you see?"
"Because it does."
"Do asians see really well then??"

"I cut my nails with scissors today!!"