Spoiler - click to show.
I want to admit that I gave into my (unfortunate) urges and cut myself earlier today.
I won’t go into depth, but I essentially took a kitchen knife at first, but when I couldn’t pierce the skin I switched to a shaving razor since I had (accidentally) pierced skin with it before.
I cut by my elbow and the place with the softer skin as opposed to my wrist, where the skin was thinner (I didn’t want to risk anything, although you’ll probably say I’m already risking something by giving into the act of it. I think so too. It bled for a while and I spent some time in the bathroom stopping the bleeding (it didn’t fully stop when I bandaged it), and cleaned it, even though it wasn’t deep.
My cat (one of them, who was upstairs) laid on my lap and purred for a while after it when I came out. He may of sensed something was wrong, maybe not; I like to believe he did. I needed it.
I still haven’t told anyone (I did it around 3:00pm, it’s close to 11:00 now at night) up until now, but I don’t know if I’ll likely admit it irl since I’m still unsure of what to say. I had urges for a while, I don’t know why (I wanted to feel something other than what I was feeling?) I did it even now.
I just took off the bandage and it still hurts. And I still feel like crying.
If anyone reads this, I’m likely going to be a bit more inactive for the time being.