Your Personal Venting Space 3: Tokyo Drift

hhhhhh thanks you guys- i died for a sec there cause i was highkey scared ya'll were gonna yell at me for saying im a ball of nothing-
uhm, in conclusion, i still feel like shit, but less shitty- ya feel?
but yes, uh clears throat
Fuck. Them.

i know i shouldn't feel like this because everything that my mind says is probably irrational and stuff, but it gets to me sometimes
in the end i know i'll be okay but i know how bad it can get and i rather have someone be here with me to talk things out with instead of just making a decision to end myself like i'e done so many countless times

Oh that reminds me I don't think I've said this yet- any of you who need someone to talk to, just start a PM with me and I'll be there to listen. I'm not good with advice, but you can feel safe with me, just venting or whatever you need.

Mumu, I’m always gonna be here and happy to talk to you if you trust me enough like that. I really want to help you out, even if just talking and venting helps in PM.

oh look another night time vent, copy pasted from notes, that i typed up just now

i am wasting my life, staring at a screen all day. i never do anything productive. and i want to do something, but there's not much i can do during a pandemic

ha. like that's a good excuse. you were like this before coronavirus

i just
i just want to do something with my life
life is too short to be wasting it like this
i have no idea when it could end
i could die 90 years from now, or i could die tomorrow. i don't know
if i do die sooner rather than later, what will it have been for? what will i have done with my life?

i want to do stuff. i want to take advantage of the time i have here. but how?? what is there that i can do?? and if an opposite arises, who's to say i'll actually do it rather than be like "eh, i don't want to. i'm too lazy"

i want to do something
i want to do something
i want to do something
i don't want to keep living like this
wasting the entire day in my bed or on the couch, staring at a screen

_{((sorry izzy, i did read your vent, i just don't know what to say))}

heya izzy, i know i was bitching a few hours ago about my own stuffs but my pms are always open too if you need to talk about anything.
i'd hate for you to feel like that- it sucks ass.

i would ten billion percent type up two essays for both of you, but im currently drained right now and i think imma be outta commission for a while

_{is it weird that I constantly feel left out of my own life? maybe it would just be easier if I just,,}

whatever anyway
izzy! galaxy!
hi!
I see you and I hear you and honestly I'm not the greatest at knowing what to say but here's the thing-
iz you're here for more than just to help your friends. like it's frickin awesome that you want to and I get that sentiment but you're also here for yourself. like to laugh at dumb jokes and see cute pets and meet people and hug them and see stars and sunsets and eat delicious food, you're here for all of that!! you can't save everyone and it fucking hurts, knowing that. but you're a great friend and that's pretty cool too.

and galaxy you're not wasting your time looking at a screen. we're in a whole entire pandemic and it's hard. and having motivation is sometimes really hard too. nobody's expecting everyone to come out of this pandemic as a whole new person. it's okay to struggle and not be productive. life is about way way more than just being productive.

well I typed all of that and I realize that was multiple hours ago I am so sorry

update on the sunburn, i cant walk

So this is kinda gross, BUT yeah.

i should've never been born
i'm so tired of this shit
i thought i had hope for a split second and it's already vanished in front of my eyes-
why do i even bother trying?!

ah, heya dude, i dont exactly know what happened to make you think that- or maybe nothing happened and it's just the depression but i know for a fact that im glad that you're here…i mean, you are after all, one of my favorites- i know i say this a lot but it's true and idk how else to say it without making is sound cheesy as fuck
you bother trying because sometimes the curiously of what tomorrow is gonna be like is stronger than your self deprecating thoughts/wanting to die, and i bet that somewhere deep inside you know that even this feeling is temporary and will pass
also, you may not know this, but i live for you. i live for the people i call my best of friends and you guys are what keep me going- if any of you were to turn out missing i dont think i'd know what to do with myself because you guys are the people that are always there when im in one of my stupid moods

Ella, I'm not so sure of how to respond since I'm all to often in the same boat. Hope and happiness come in waves. I know it feels like you've lost all hope, but I promise it'll come back. Life is worth it, even through all the shit. I love you <3

I am about to do a mini vent, so you can ignore it if you want to. (it might cause some triggers, I talk about attacks, habits, intrusive thoughts, and migraines)

I have had a HELLISH past 24 hours. It started with an attack where my twitch acted up and that I ended up going back into old habits where I scratch the top layer of skin off my hands. It usually scars. I hadn't done it in 6 months, so it kind of brought me down. And if you read my thing on the LGBTQ+ page, then you also know that my mom just said I was confused when I partially came out to her. So those mixed weren't great together. Well I was numb for a while and then around 10pm (My attack was at 6pm) I decided to work on my jacket. when my intrusive thoughts were kind of like "put that needle through your lip" and I did it, and then through my fingers multiple. Luckily it through dead patches of skin, so there was no lasting damage. So I texted my not official, but training to be a therapist friend and they helped me, but I didn't end up sleeping at all last night and my mom and I were going out because my friend sent my a picture of a shark pencil case at Walmart and we were going to go buy it when I got a migraine. I had pushed off my symptoms as fatigue, but it just started hurting really bad while I was getting ready, to the point of me dry heaving, so naturally we didn't go out. Well, that was 6 hours and it is still there, but not as bad. I haven't had a day this bad since freshmen year, when I was figuring out all of my problems. Thanks for reading my 24 hours of horror, but there is a chance that it could get worse because I have 4 hours and 15 minutes until it officially reaches 24 hours. Wish me luck or wish me death.

i should not have laughed as hard as i did at what you just said, but ironically i feel that because that happened to me too, but only because the medicine i took was the wrong dose. idk what to tell ya other than wait it out, maybe it'll go away ? you could always go to the doctor and get it checked out as well

yeah, it might just be one of those things that comes and you're like "what the fuck??" then leaves and it never shows it's face again

today I learned:
stabbing yourself with a needle is a lot harder than it seems
ow

no

_{wow this incredibly minor comparatively speaking}

so i have a notes doc of stuff from my dreams
i accidentally deleted it
no big deal, just go to recently deleted and recover it
I LEGIT ACCIDENTALLY DELETED IT FROM RECENTLY DELETED WHICH MEANS IT'S GONE FOREVER
so i had to make a new one and retype everything i could remember

also, on a completely unrelated note, we left cupcakes out last night in a not very well sealed container. some ants decided to have a party and invite everyone they know. now we have ants. and they're going to keep coming for days
i'm just glad i missed the spider fight. apparently there were four big spiders fighting each other…behind the stove? i think?