(Eeee)
Depression and Choccy Milk (OXO with Caustic)
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"Ooh! And you'd let me use that?" Nathaniel asked curiously, fluttering over to the swords and jumping up to grab one from the wall. He examined it with a thoughtful hum, running one hand along the blade. "The craftsmanship is poor… edge isn't sharpened at all. And it's remarkably light and… pliable? This isn't any kind of metal I've ever seen. Who made this?"
Zedd raised a brow before realizing Nathaniel was being serious. “It’s not real. It’s plastic rather than metal. Y’know… made so it can’t actually hurt someone?” Zedd replied, finding it humorous how serious the angel was taking this. By the critical stare the boy was giving the toy, he assumed Nathaniel was far from fond of the sword.
"Strange… what's the point of it, then?" Nathaniel asked curiously as he tested the weight of the toy in his hand. "I suppose it'd do, but if we got attacked, I fear that it would break, or… bend? Definitely strange." He didn't necessarily hate the thing, but he was obviously bewildered by it. It wasn't anything like any sword he'd ever seen.
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"Nathaniel. It's not meant to be a real weapon. It's… uh, think of it like a prop. Fake. To play with? This store is a toy store," Zedd reminded the angel. It was almost sad how the poor boy didn't understand the weapon wasn't real in the slightest. "And before you ask, I'm only suggesting it as I'm not allowing you to make anything real for awhile. Might feel good to have the handle in your hand? I don't know, don't get it if you don't want it," the man continued to ramble on. Wait… since when was the last time he spoke this much at once? He usually wasn't all too chatty of a person, but here he was. In the middle of a toy store. With a young angel he found on the street. Debating the usefulness of a plastic play sword.
"Mm…" Nathaniel continued examining the toy for a minute or so before wandering off into the store with it in his hand. It did feel nice to be able to hold something again, after all, despite how little the toy felt like a real sword. He glanced around at the shelves, occasionally jumping up to fetch something on a higher shelf to look at.
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It kind of surprised Zedd that Nathaniel took the false weapon instead of putting it back. Especially after all the complaining he had done with the quality of the plastic compared to metal. Noticing Nathaniel on the tips of his toes beneath a shelf, the man decided to simply take it for him and hand it to the angel. "I don't mind helping," he hummed, still seeming content seeing the boy get excited over the toys.
Nathaniel smiled gently up at Zedd and kept wandering around the store, holding the toys in his arms. Eventually, he'd looked around the whole place and seemed to be satisfied with the things he'd picked out. "Mmkay, dad… I think that I'm ready to go now." He tugged on Zedd's sleeve as he spoke.
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Zedd nodded, leading Nathaniel up towards the check out with their new findings. Oh boy, this was not going to be cheap. Stars, why was he getting so much? He wasn't even Nathaniel's real dad. Realistically, the angel should have been put into some sort of foster care.
As the items were being bagged, he noticed Nathaniel's giddy expression. That was good enough of an answer as to why he was doing this. The boy looked so happy. He had such a rough life before. He deserved to have something to play with.
Nathaniel hugged Zedd tightly with a sunny grin on his face. His real parents hadn't ever bought any toys for him before, which explained his confusing as well as his excitement. "Thanks, dad!" He trilled excitedly up at the man, his little crumpled wings fluttering behind him. When they received the bags back from the employee, he carefully pulled out the floppy plush wolf and held it close to his chest.
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Zedd gave a small smile, and walked out the door, bags in hand. The friendly bubbles outside greeted them once again. Somehow, the more often he did things with Nathaniel, the more right it seemed. Sure, he was tired, hadn't been able to keep the shop open for two days, and had spent a lot of money, but… he felt like he had a purpose. A duty to make the angel before him feel appreciated at the minimum. He turned to look at said boy, but noticed Nathaniel was already a few steps ahead at the crosswalk. He sighed, happy he hadn't lost him yet.
Nathaniel, unused to the rules of the road, didn't bother to check for cars before he ran into the street. A car screeched to a halt in front of him, wheels squealing, and he stumbled backwards onto the ground with a terrified yelp. He was scraped up from the asphalt and was frozen in terror with his heart pounding hard and fast in his chest, but he seemed to be at least relatively unharmed. The car had thankfully stopped in time, although the driver was understandably angry and scared as well.
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At that moment, the world seemed to slow. Zedd let go of everything he had been holding, bags falling to the sidewalk as he ran towards a shaken Nathaniel. He knelt down and carefully scooped up the angel into his arms. He gave him a quick glance over, only seeing a few scratches. Oh thank the stars…
Remembering the traffic all around him, he gave an apologetic bow towards the driver before hurrying back towards the fallen toys on the sidewalk. Everyone out shopping had seen what had happened, whispering amongst themselves. Some were relieved for Nathaniel, others clearly irritated that Zedd seemed to have not been watching his own child.
As soon as his feet hit the sidewalk again, the man felt his legs go weak. He simply sat by the bags of toys on the side of the road, Nathaniel still in his arms. He didn't exactly know what to say as a temporary guardian.
"You scared the shit out of me"?
"You have to watch for cars next time"?
"Don't do that again"?
Instead of saying any of those, the only word that escaped him was a winded, "Fuck…"
Nathaniel whimpered quietly after Zedd pulled him out of the road, tears stinging his eyes. He had a death grip on Zedd, quivering lightly with terror. He was obviously still struggling to process what had happened. When the world came spinning back to him, he exhaled shakily with a terrified whine, a couple of tears rolling down his ghostly pale cheeks. "I-I'm sorry…" Was the first thing he whispered to his father figure, though he was unable to meet his eyes. "I-I d— d-didn't mean to… I'm s-sorry…"
He buried his face in Zedd's chest and tightly gripped the fabric of his shirt, wrapping his crumpled wings around himself as a sort of shield from the outside world. He obviously didn't like the stares of everyone around them, although some had moved on upon seeing that Nathaniel wasn't hurt.
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Zedd was tempted to tell Nathaniel not to be sorry, but after something so dangerous…? Yeah, he couldn't dismiss that so easily. What if he really had gotten hit? What if he had been injured fatally? Or even died on the spot? Instead, he held the boy as close as he could, rubbing small circles on his back. "You're okay. You're okay…" he whispered. Zedd didn't even realize that the words were partially to himself. He was doing such a poor job at this parenting thing so far…
"You didn't know. This time, we'll go together. You have to watch for cars first," the man hummed, moving his hands to fiddle with Nathaniel's hair.
He'd be happier with someone who actually knows how to take care of him.
Zedd continued to try and block out the negative thoughts, already shifting to stand up. "I need to put you down now, so I can pick up everything, okay?" he asked, making sure he waited for a response.
"O-Okay…" Nathaniel whispered weakly, picking up his plush wolf again when Zedd let go of him. He clung tightly to it as he followed Zedd, seeming uneasy near the road this time. He stuck as close to Zedd as possible, one hand holding as tightly to Zedd's as he was capable and the other holding the wolf flush up against his chest. He whispered apologies under his breath the whole way back home, unaware whether or not Zedd was even able to hear them. Other than his quiet, shaky apologies, he was silent, still terrified and shaken up from the incident.
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After a few moments, Zedd simply stopped and knelt down again. "Nathaniel. You didn't know. I want you to stop apologising. Once is enough. Yes, you put yourself in danger and scared the everloving shit out of me. But it's done, and you know what to do now. It's okay. Now, let's get home and maybe have some lunch, yeah?"
The man sounded a bit tired in all honesty, but he seemed relieved more than anything. Nothing bad had happened aside from a scrape or two.
And the fact that it was your fault in the first place.
Soon, the two reached the potion shop once again and Zedd seemed to feel a bit more at ease. They were home now, and he'd be able to cheer Nathaniel up somehow with everything they bought as well as something to eat. And quite possibly chocolate milk again. Wait, he had some this morning, and he couldn't have a lot of sugar. After climbing the stairs, Zedd opened the door and set the bags by the couch. "Have anything in mind that you like to eat?" he asked, already striding towards the kitchen. If Nathaniel said he didn't know again, he'd probably just make some sandwiches or something easy.
Nathaniel nodded weakly and rubbed at his teary eyes, his wings still curled around himself a bit. He hated that he'd scared Zedd so much, and that he'd ruined their fun day at the toy store. It was all his fault that everything was bad right now and he knew it. He didn't have much of an appetite, but Zedd wanted him to eat, and he knew that he probably should.
"Anything is fine, sir…" He whispered. He was scared right now, and he felt like he didn't deserve to call Zedd 'dad' after the shit he just pulled. He felt like he should be in trouble. He'd been bad, after all.
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Zedd froze where he was. He knew as soon as Nathaniel called him "sir" again that things were far from okay from the small boy's point of view. "Nathaniel. We're okay. You had fun today, right? I'm not angry, okay…? We're okay… I haven't had you here very long, but I can tell you're blaming yourself still. It's okay. I'm here to help you while you're here, remember? You didn't know what to do. But… now we're home and you can set up all your new toys in your room if you want?" the man rambled. It honestly scared him ten times more that he had no idea what to do aside from attempt to say something comforting. "Please… don't feel bad anymore? It's… it's dad's fault too, Nathaniel…" he whispered, before coming into the living room beside the small angel. He embraced the boy again carefully.
"It's dad's fault too…"
Nathaniel hiccuped weakly a few times and wrapped his arms around Zedd, holding tightly to the man as he struggled to get himself to relax. "B-But I was bad, and— and you s-should be mad at me… you… y-you have every right to be…" He tightened his grip on Zedd, starting to tremble harder again. "It's not— y-your fault… it's m-mine… I… s-sure, I don't know anything about roads— a-and… I d-didn't know there was gonna— b-be a car there— b-but you couldn't have stopped me from doing that… I was too far away…" He practically collapsed into Zedd's arms, his knees growing too weak and shaky to support him. "It's my fault, and I'm s-sorry…"
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"No, Nathaniel, you weren't bad. I'm supposed to keep an eye on you. I'm mostly upset at myself because I let you get too far without telling you anything. But it's okay. We're home and safe now," he whispered, gently stroking Nathaniel's wings. Feeling the boy begin to slip, he shifted to put him in his lap, sitting on the ground with the other held close in his arms. Zedd frowned as the angel continued to shake. "Not that I was mad before, but I'm going to say this so you understand that you aren't in trouble: I forgive you. Dad makes mistakes too," he whispered, doing what he could to try and get the shaking to stop.
Nathaniel sniffled weakly and nodded, clinging tighter to Zedd while he cried. He settled himself in the man's lap, his legs wrapped around the other's waist as he clutched at him. "I-I just… I d— d-didn't mean to scare you, or to make p-people mad at me, or to— to do any of that…" He sobbed. "And— I'm sorry— f-for all the trouble…" When Zedd started petting his wings, he seemed to relax a bit, but he was still very upset.
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Zedd made quiet shushing noises as he continued to smooth the puffed up wings. He opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped. He considered the last statement carefully. Truthfully, Zedd had considered dropping Nathaniel at an orphanage or the foster care system as he initially thought a young child would have been way too much. But there was no nice way of saying that. He couldn't just say "you wouldn't be here if I thought you were too much to handle." There wasn't any chance that situation would end well.
"Nathaniel. You know how I feel about you. You're a good kid. You really are. I'm not mad, and nobody's mad at you. I won't say that being your dad is easy, because any parenting is hard. But, there is the fact that you make things a lot more enjoyable compared to any other kid."
"I'm not a good kid…" Nathaniel whispered weakly, biting his lip as he buried his face in Zedd's chest, still clinging to the man for dear life. "I-I've never been good enough… I….I wouldn't have gotten kicked out of my home if I was good enough for them, dad. I'm… I'm not good enough for you either… you deserve better than a useless, s-stupid kid like me…" He hiccuped a few times, starting to work himself up again. "J-Just a stupid kid who can't even do anything right, no matter how simple it is… battle training? Too sensitive. Anything around the house? Too short and too weak. Living on earth? I'm honestly just pathetic… I-I've been trained to kill people and I can't even keep myself alive without help… I'd be running into every road and getting hit by cars and starving on the streets and getting beat up by the mean people…"
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Zedd couldn't take this anymore. "Nathaniel. Stop. You're not stupid or useless. I told you how I feel about you already. You're far too hard on yourself. It's not even been a week. Were you good at making blades after a few days? No. Were you prepared to fight in a few days? No. So stop expecting that you're supposed to understand everything in… not even three full days yet. Especially without help. I'm supposed to help you, but it's hard if you won't accept it," he argued. He hated seeing the boy break down like this so often. Zedd felt extremely underqualified, yes, but that didn't make Nathaniel any less good. He only wished he could make the young angel see that he was fine as is.
The keyword being wished as he was likely still doing a horrible job.
"I'm s-sorry…" Nathaniel buried his face in Zedd's shoulder and clung tightly to him, keeping his wings curled around himself. "I just… I don't like feeling like this, dad… it's scary…" He sighed shakily, melting into Zedd's gentle touch. "Why's this gotta happen to me all the time? I wanna feel happy and good… why's it so hard to just… not do this, you know?"
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Zedd stared at the ground as Nathaniel cried into his shoulder. That was a question he wanted to ask as well. Why was it hard to fight for happiness? Why couldn't he do anything more to help?
Why was he doing such a bad job at this? Why couldn't he make at least one person happy? Why couldn't he be better in general? Why-
Zedd had to force away the downhill train of thought once again. Not right now. He'd handle it later when Nathaniel was already asleep. Even if he was still new at this whole parenting thing, he had to at least look strong.
"I know, Nathaniel. It'll get better. It takes time, but it will…"
I hope.
Nathaniel nodded weakly. "How… h-how long…?" He asked. "I… I don't… I d-don't wanna feel like this forever, dad… I'm so tired… I'm not even that old and I've just been like this for so long…" He tightly gripped the fabric of Zedd's shirt as he struggled to choke back his sobs. "I'm just so ungrateful for every good thing I have… you treat me so well, dad, and we haven't even known each other for long… I'm really lucky to have you…"
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Zedd felt his heart swell at the final comment Nathaniel had made. He ran a hand gently over the boy’s wings again for a moment. “I don’t know. It won’t be forever, but I really don’t know,” he replied honestly. He wished he had the ability to cure depression somehow. Then again, if he could effect emotions in such a way, he would have chosen to be a happier person. Then again, the small angel in his arms was already helping with that.
Nathaniel sniffled a bit and rubbed at his teary eyes, still trembling in Zedd's arms. "O-Okay…" He whispered in reply. "I just wish it could be now…" He sighed softly and curled up a bit more in Zedd's lap, clearly growing tired from crying so much.
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Zedd continued the comforting motions, whispering softly to the boy in his arms. "I know, Nathaniel. I know," he said gently. "We should get you some water in a minute. You're gonna dehydrate if you overwork yourself too much," the man thought out loud. With all the tears from the past few days, Zedd was quite surprised the angel hadn't started feeling unwell due the crying slowly dehydrating him.