Once again, Sebastian nodded without fully registering the question, swaying as he rose unsteadily to his feet. “Yeah.”
what no I'm not in too many one on ones
"Are you doing okay?" Julian asked, standing up with him. "You seem pretty wasted."
“Wasted….” Sebastian’s thoughts drifted, causing him to forget the context of the statement. “You wasted your time on me…”
"I'm not giving up on you," Julian said. He didn't see any of this as wasted time. Whether he failed or not, he was trying to save the life of somebody he cared about. "Anyway, you're drunk. You need to go to sleep."
Sleep… even in its shitshow of a state, Sebastian’s mind connected the unpleasant word with another: dreams. Nightmares. He shuddered, not fully grasping the fact that he was nodding instead of shaking his head.
Julian sighed. "Alright, uh… I'll text my boss and call a cab for us, then we can both get some rest." That was partially a lie. Even with his medication, there was no way Julian would get any sleep tonight. He might not sleep for days, but he was used to it.
(two things
- should we skip the calling cab part or do you wanna RP it out?
- I forgot to mention that Julian's backstory is like… really fucked up. It's a really sensitive subject and it makes a lot of people uncomfortable, so if you want I can just remove that from his character for this RP
)
( • maybe we should skip to speed things along?
• don’t worry about it, most of my characters have fucked up backgrounds too, I’m used to it)
(alright, when should we skip to?
and his backstory is so fucked I actually feel bad for even writing it… but I just thought I'd warn you. I could tell you what it is so you can decide whether or not you still want it a part of this rp lol)
(Nah it’s fine, keep it
Do you want to skip to morning?)
(Yeah sure)
~~~
It was not the shafts of sunlight streaming in through the window that drew Sebastian from his fitful sleep the next day, but a throbbing headache and a nausea rooted deep in his gut. He groaned, pushing himself up into a seating position, and froze the moment his eyes opened.
Julian noticed movement out of the corner of his eye and looked over, seeing Sebastian sitting up on the couch. It was around 9:30. Julian hadn't slept all night. "You're awake," he noted, forcing a small smile. "How'd you sleep?"
Julian? It took a few seconds for the realization to hit him— the memories of what had happened the past night were hazy due to the alcohol he’d consumed. Fuck. Sebastian’s jaw slackened. “I— shit. Shit.”
"Don't panic, it's okay. Take a moment to get yourself together," Julian said. "I can get you some coffee and tylenol for your hangover." He was a lot calmer and more collected than he was last night. The only evidence of his stress and panic were his slightly bloodshot eyes and dark circles.
Sebastian’s throat began to close up, a strangled breath emerging from his mouth. Shit. Shit— I fucked up so bad— His hands tightened around the armrest of the couch, eyes darting around the room. “Fuck— I’m sorry—“ The sight of the dark circles beneath Julian’s eyes only heightened his panic, a sign that the other man had stayed up for him. “I should— I should go—“
"No, don't," Julian said quickly. He swallowed, fighting his panic. He wasn't high on Valium anymore, so it more difficult, but he managed. "Just stay and talk to me, please. I want to help."
Sebastian froze as he was pushing himself up from the couch, hands visibly shaking. “I— I have to—“
"At least take a minute to calm down, please. You just woke up and you're hungover. Let me make you some coffee," he offered. He knew he couldn't keep him there forever, but he wanted to calm him down as much as he could, first. Now that he was sober, he hoped he had a better chance at talking to him.
Hesitation flickered across his stricken face, but he nodded tentatively. “O-Okay. Thank you,” he relented, averting his eyes. His face burned with shame.
Julian disappeared into the kitchen to make coffee. While he waited for it to brew, he leaned against the counter, still trying to process what was going on. Sebastian, the cute guy at the bar the one he had developed a small crush on, tried to take his own life. He even wrote a letter, which Julian had folded up and put in his pocket last night. He couldn't bring himself to read it. And to make matters worse, Sebastian seemed scared. Terrified. Julian had no idea how to make him feel safe. I just have to hope this is enough, he thought, sighing as he poured the coffee.
Left to himself, Sebastian struggled to take breath after breath, hands clenched tightly in his lap to prevent them from trembling. He had tried to kill himself last night– that, at least, had been planned. Had been wanted. But he'd gotten too drunk. He'd failed, broken, and now Julian was left trying to pick up the pieces. Fuck. What am I going to do? Sebastian rolled up the sleeve of his hoodie, exposing the many scars carved into his arm. Desperately trying to stay on top of the wave of panic, he dug his nails into a particularly deep gouge, dragging them up and down the length of it until the skin broke.
When Julian came back and saw Sebastian dragging his nails across a wound in his arm, he froze, not sure what to do. He could feel his panic and anxiety fighting for control in his mind. His chest tightened, and his breaths became shorter and a bit more strained. There was a soft rattling sound in his lungs and a bit of pain, but after a moment he managed to force himself to walk forward. "Sebastian what are you– why are you doing that?" he asked, setting the coffee down on the table.
Sebastian jerked his sleeve down, turning his head away. He was silent for a long time, struggling to come out on top of the wave of panic that threatened to submerge him. When he finally spoke again, his hands were shaking uncontrollably. “Because it hurts.”
"Why do you want to hurt yourself?" Julian asked, though he wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say. Fuck, I'm so bad at this…
Sebastian fell silent for several minutes, eyes fastened to the floor. “Because,” he began quietly, “It— God, I don’t know. The pain. It’s— fuck.”
Julian nodded, not knowing what to say. Talking about it seemed like it was causing Sebastian even more pain. "Okay…" he started, taking a deep breath. "Well, your coffee is here, and if you want, I can help you clean up your arm and put something over it."
“Thank you for the— for the coffee,” he managed, taking it into shaking hands. “But, ah, no to the second part. I appreciate the— the gesture, but…”
"Okay… just make sure you take care of it," he said, not wanting to push Sebastian any further. He held his coffee and sat down on the floor and sipped his coffee. It was a little too hot, but it kept him awake. "How are you feeling?"
Sebastian eagerly gulped down his drink, nodding unconvincingly. “I’m.. fine. You?”
"Exhausted and hungry, but okay," he admitted, leaning against the couch and closing his eyes. He longed for sleep, but his fear of nightmares kept him wide awake no matter how tired he was.