Offering Feedback on Characters (OPEN)

Hi lovely writers!

I already have a thread in the Sharing and Critiques section, but I figured I would keep that for story-style written work and start one for characters here (and maybe other page types too).

PLEASE READ these guidelines before asking me to look at your character.

• Make sure your character is set to public so I can see it! If you don’t know how to do that, click here for a quick tutorial.
• Only one character/page at a time. After I’ve given feedback on your first character, feel free to submit another (if you like my feedback style).
• Please develop your characters to the best of your ability before asking me to look at them. Feedback that’s just “develop this character further in every area” is no fun for you, and it’s no fun for me either.
• Please don’t submit any new characters if the title of this thread has [CLOSED] in it.
• If you would like feedback on a different page type (creature, magic, location, etc.) ask me nicely and I’ll probably say yes. :)

@StarkSpangledBanner - Here you go!

Althea

• Hair: How long is her hair? How does she usually wear it? When you say, 'with dark blue' do you mean it's the type of black that's got a bluish sheen or are parts of it actually blue? If the latter, did Althea get it dyed or is it naturally part blue?
• Eyes: This is not a natural colour for humans in our world, so if Althea is actually not 100% human (I see that her mother is the dark fairy) it would be good to indicate that under race.
• Identifying marks: Where did she get her scars? Why is her tattoo a bird, and why on her shoulder? How big is it? Is it a particular type of bird, is it flying/perched/nesting, is it usually covered up by what she wears or is it visible - give this section a bit more detail.
• Mannerisms: When does she bite her lip?
• Motivations: She needs a more concrete motivation in life than 'friends'. Does she want to protect her friends? Please them? Do what they're doing? Is she lonely and would do anything to make a friend?
• Flaws/Prejudices/Talents: For a more realistic and developed character, give Althea more than one thing in each of these categories.
• Personality type: Knowing her Myers-Briggs type is a good start, but this is a place where you can go into her personality in more detail.
• Politics: Althea is eighteen, so she should have some ideas of how she thinks the world should be run, even if she doesn't side with a particular political party.
• Occupation: This doesn't have to be a paid career - think about what Althea does all day. If she's studying, that can go here, as well as if she's still learning from her mother.
• Education: What does 'advanced' mean? Has she been to high school? Uni? Does she have a masters degree in some field? This is the place where you can detail any specific skills her mother has taught her relating to the dark fairy stuff.
• Background: If 'friends' is Althea's primary motivation, it would be good to include something about her relationships with her group of friends in this section. Who are her friends? I'm not sure of your setting, but if it's modern day (since Althea was born in 1999) did they go to school together, and what do they think of Althea's potiony, wolf-keeping ways? What's her relationship like with her mother? Also, I know that Althea doesn't know who her father is, but you, the author, do, and if it's important to Althea's character or skills in some way, you should include that. How has Althea been affected by growing up without a father?
• Pets: Where did Althea get Storm? (You can't just pick up a baby wolf from a pet shop, so I'm sure there's some story behind that.)

I think you could definitely afford to develop Althea a lot more, even though she's just a side character. At the moment I'm finding it hard to see her as a complete character in my mind as the various bits of information you've got don't seem to connect. (For example, her motivation being 'friends' when no friends are mentioned, and her weapon of choice being archery when she's skilled at illusion magic and making potions.)

Another thing that would help Althea come alive would be to show off some of your worldbuilding - it would be good to know how Althea fits into the setting you've created. For example, she dislikes facial tattoos - is this a popular thing in your setting? Another example - her mother is a fairy. Are fairies common? Are they even known to exist? Does Althea have to keep her mother's identity and her dark-fairy-training a secret, or is how she's grown up a common thing in her world?

@Yamatsu - Here's yours. :)

Galahad Wiergils

• Other names: Who calls him Galley/where did this nickname originate?
• Mannerisms: Are there particular things he does when experiencing different emotions (when he's nervous, embarrassed, angry, etc.)?
• Motivation: I'm finding it hard to see how Galahad is motivated by power (and the power to 'destroy the world') when he also just wants to be able to live among common people running his clothing design business.
• Flaws/Personality: With only one flaw and nothing here for Galahad's personality, he's at risk of being a bit one-dimensional. No one is complete without a personality! Think about his personality strengths and weaknesses - how empathetic is he, is he more introverted or extraverted, does he make decisions based on logic or feeling, etc. Some people like to take an MBTI quiz after developing their character's personality to get some more insights into how that personality type would function. This site gives some ideas for strengths, weaknesses and relationships for different MBTI types.
• Prejudices: You say he hates those without magic, and yet his siblings are not magical. Does he harbour hate for his siblings too? If not, you need to adjust his
• Backstory: Is magic against the law? Or just heavily discouraged? If so, how did Galahad get into doing things with magic, when his occupation (designing clothes) can be easily done without it? I think it would be helpful to include information about Galahad's parents and further explore the causes of his going against the law and hating of common people.

With Galahad, it almost seems like he's two separate characters at the moment. There's the needlework-loving bloke whose siblings care for him and who just wants to run a nice business - and there's the power-hungry Great Wizard who hates the common people. I think some work on his personality and backstory could help to connect those two 'sides' of him.

I'm also not sure how he's going to come up against the heroes, as none of them played any part in his backstory (it's not necessary, of course, but it leads me to wonder why he is the bad guy). And while he does have a motive (power, putting magic users in power, possibly ruling the world) there's no evidence of a plan in his character page at the moment (how does he plan to gain power and make the common people accept him?). From my perspective, a guy who's never crossed paths with the heroes and who is living in hiding doesn't sound like someone who will be instrumental to the plot, but I'm sure he is instrumental to the plot, and you will be able to reflect that in his backstory and all the rest.

@NYC_Squad - Nope, don't mind. :) Here she is.

Zoe Melana

• Looks: She's tall for her age, which is fine, but she's about 10 pounds under the recommended weight for a girl her age and size, so unless she's pretty skinny without much muscle tone (remember that muscle is heavy), she should weigh a little more.
• Hair: What sort of black? Really dark brown? Sort of a bluish glint to it (like a blackbird)? Is it thin, thick, layered?
• Race: It's spelled 'caucasian', but it would be cool if you could go into more detail on her ancestry here. (Assuming this is earth since 'caucasian' is an earth term) Where were her ancestors from?
• Mannerisms: These should be little habits that your character has - for example, 'bites lip when lying' and 'pushes food apart so it doesn't touch' are mannerisms, but things like 'not a morning person' and 'photographic memory' would fit better under personality and talents, respectively. "Is a great dancer" would be a talent, while "taps feet to imaginary music when she's happy" would be a mannerism. I think you could prune this list down to just those things that are Zoe's mannerisms, (there are about 4) and then you'll be able to see whether you need more or not.
• Motivations: How are 'past trauma' and 'justice' motivations for Zoe? Does she want to forget past trauma? Stop the same thing from happening again? Grow past it?
• Flaws: Generally having a big mouth and being secretive/having trust issues are opposite ends of the spectrum, so how does it work for Zoe to have both of these flaws?
• Hobbies: What sort of technology? There are all sorts of fields to 'tinker' in, like coding programs, building gadgets from scratch, upgrading existing tech - and there are many levels of tech too, from the mechanical (think steampunk) to the very-futuristic hologram touch-screen displays. What does Zoe like best?
• Politics: By neutral, do you mean she's happy with the way that her country is run? If she's motivated by justice, she probably believes that injustice is happening and would want to change it. In her personality section you say that she will break the rules to help her friends, so are there rules that she doesn't believe are just?
• Background: This is a good start, but if Zoe is going to be a main character, it can help to know as much about her past as possible, especially the things that shaped her into who she is now. This is also a place where you can talk about her relationship with her mother and her friends. Obviously as you plot out your story and work out what kind of ambassador for earth Zoe is, you can add that here too.

Overall I can tell you've put a lot of thought into Zoe and her personality. :) There are a few things that seem a bit random (she has 'past trauma' as a motivation but no trauma shows up in her backstory) but I think as you refine her character page you'll work out the connections between the different elements.

@Piper - Hi, I would love to give you feedback on your character Zoe Grace, but I'm afraid there isn't much for me to look at at the moment! For a well-rounded character, you really need to go into more detail than just a word per category. You could start by figuring out her personality, then some strengths and weaknesses and go from there. I find that jotting down a few notes about my characters' backstory can help me think of other things about them.

@Caboose - Here you go, feedback on yours.

Charlotte Andrews

• Pronouns: I understand that Charlotte is non-binary, but I think that their/her page would be a lot easier to follow if you choose which pronouns to use (at least on this page, it would be good to keep them consistent). At the moment it looks like you alternate between they/them and she/her, sometimes in the same sentence, which can be very confusing! Take these sentences for example: Charlotte is basically the teams mother for lack of a better word. They like designing clothes so she helps with their outfits. The clearest meaning of this use of pronouns would be that the team members like designing clothes, so Charlotte helps with their outfits, whereas what I think you mean is that because Charlotte likes designing clothes, Charlotte helps with the team members' outfits.
  Also remember that while you can use they/them to refer to a single person, the verbs will need to match. So its 'she is' but 'they are', 'she was' but 'they were'. This issue of verbs changing based on pronouns is another reason to keep them consistent. :)
  I'm not sure whether to refer to Charlotte as them or her, so I hope you don't mind if I go with the first option!
• Identifying marks: How big is the scar, and where on Charlotte's back? Is it/could it be easily seen with the type of clothes they wear? Do they try to cover it up? Also, if their powers killed their girlfriend, why did they not kill Charlotte?
• Personality type: I think you could go into more detail here. Is Charlotte more introverted or extraverted? Include their character strengths and weakness (more than one each!). Do they make decisions quickly or after considering all the options - do they make them based more on facts or feelings? How do they react to things that make them angry, how easily do they forgive, are they optimistic/pessimistic/realistic/etc.?
• Hobbies, talents, prejudices: Develop some more for Charlotte, especially those which will figure into your story. With prejudices, try to think of some unwarranted opinions Charlotte has of others. Most people dislike people who are mean to them (and for good reason, those people were mean to them). But prejudices are assumptions about others without proper evidence (e.g., Hufflepuffs are stupid, all men are violent, people with tattoos can't be trusted, etc.) and they're usually wrong. Don't be afraid to make your characters wrong about some things, because then you've given them some room to grow.
• Mannerisms: It raining when they cry is a cute addition. Do their other strong emotions affect the weather around them as well? Do they repel raindrops when they're incredibly happy, does their hair get all static with electricity or the temperature go up around them when they're mad? Great start here, but try to think of other little things Charlotte does in particular moods or situations. (They don't need to be connected to the weather)
• Occupation: Is Charlotte imprisoned for delinquency? Whether they are or not, I'm sure they don't see themselves as a delinquent. What does Charlotte spend most of the day doing?
• Background: What happened to Charlotte's relationships with friends and family after the accident? I think that a lot of what you have in the Notes tab you could put here in the background. How did they learn to control their powers - were they self-taught, trained by someone else? Were any more mistakes made in the learning?
• Notes: Does Charlotte prefer 'they' over 'she'? I'm not sure how different your story-verse is from the modern day world, but I think that if Charlotte truly has no preference for one over the other, with them having been born female and having a traditionally feminine name, most people in our modern world would default to 'she', especially with Charlotte's motherly nature, and not really use 'they' at all. (For example, my brother has a long name and a nickname. People default to calling him by his nickname because it's shorter and easier to remember. Only when he insisted he be called by his full name [during a short period of time when he was younger] did people actually use it much.)

You don't need to answer these questions here - they're for you to consider as you develop Charlotte further as a character. :) All the best with your writing!

@@Wanheda - Yes I can! Here she is. :)

Madi

• Looks: You could add the texture of Madi's hair (thick/thin, straight/wavy/curly/etc.) if you wish, which may come in helpful if she has her hair down at any part in your story.
• Talents/Hobbies: What is she good at and what does she like to do besides engineering? A talent doesn't have to be something done with hands - it can be mental too, like quick thinking, mental math, picking up on how people are feeling and responding appropriately, etc.
• Prejudices: what does Madi assume about the privileged that makes her angry toward them?
• Flaws: Since Madi is your main character, you'll probably want to develop her flaws so that she has several. :) The more ways Madi isn't perfect, the more options for character growth you'll have as you write her story.
• Motivations: This is something that could go under backstory, but you haven't specified what motivates Madi. Does she want to be rich? Does she want to be as useful as she can? Does she want the approval and praise of others since she never got it from her mother?
• Mannerisms: What you have here would better fit under flaws. Mannerisms are the little habitual actions/expressions of your character in particular moods or situations, such as tapping feet to imaginary music when happy or pulling on one's ears when nervous.
• Personality: WHERE IS MADI'S??? This is a crucial part of a character profile - you can't skip this one! What are her character strengths and weaknesses? How does she make decisions? What's her default mood, how much does she express it, and how easily does that mood change? Is she more introverted or extraverted? How does she observe the world around her - does she see patterns, pick up on people's emotions, notice changes, remember how things were, imagine what things could be, deeply analyse what people say, etc. etc. etc.?
• Weapon: Which gun is her favourite gun, and why?
• Food: I like this little snippet of worldbuilding. :)
• Engineer: More detail! What sort of an engineer is Madi? Here in Australia, people can go into many different fields of engineering: civil (designing roads, bridges, tunnels, etc.), mechanical (designing machines), electrical (designing electronics), and apparently there's also aeronautical and chemical engineering too. Tell us what Madi does as part of her job, and what she's working toward.
• Politics: This is an interesting view Madi has - that some rules are not enforced enough, yet others are enforced too harshly. Which ones does she think need to be enforced better, and which does she think are unjustly harsh?
• Education: Because you've got what looks like a post-apocalyptic setting, it might be useful to detail what sort of things Madi learned during her education since it would be quite different from the average high school in our current world. For example, I assume she was taught to read, but was she also taught history, geography, any kind of physical sport or skills? Was it all pen-and-paper learning, or did they have more advanced tech?

You've got a great start to Madi! Remember that you don't need to answer these questions here as they're to help you develop her as a character. What I'd love to see as you work on her is more of her personality shining through, and a backstory that really showcases the setting that you've built. All the best with your writing!

@Piper - All right, here we go. :)

Zoe Grace Iero

• Age: What is Zoe's? (I'm assuming not an adult since she's 4'3", but I could be wrong.) At the moment she has the average height for a 9-year-old, and if she is 9 that doesn't fit with her role as a girlfriend. Also, if she is truly that short, she would not be very skinny at 100 pounds, she would be overweight. Something more like 60-70 pounds would be skinny for a girl her height.
  For height comparison, the average height for women in the shortest ethnic group is 4'8", and most girls reach their full height by about age 15-16.
• Eyes: Just so you know, purple is not a natural colour for human eyes, so if your story is set in the real world with no magic/supernatural stuff, it could seem too 'special' for your main character to have eyes of that colour.
• Hair: how long is 'long'? How does she wear her hair? Does she style it differently for different situations?
• Flaws: I'm sorry, anxiety, depression and ADD are not personality flaws. They're closer to health issues. They definitely have an impact on your character, and they might stem from Zoe's personality, but Zoe needs personality flaws so that she has the opportunity to grow as a character throughout your story. Personality flaws are things like being wishy-washy, too stubborn, overly impulsive (not thinking through things before acting), selfish, holding grudges, trusting everybody, etc., and they often lead to problems for the character in question.
• Mannerisms: What you've got here would fit better under personality. Mannerisms are the little habits that your character has in certain situations or moods. Does she flush when she's lying, or tap her feet to music when she's happy, or slam doors when she's mad? You can add plenty of these.
• Personality: This is a lot better, but you can still go into more depth! Is she more of an extrovert or an introvert? How does she make decisions - quickly, after much deliberation, based on feeling, based on logic, based on her friends' opinions…? What's her default mood, how obviously does she express it, and how easily does her mood shift? What is it about her that makes her hide her smarts? Go into detail on 'bubbly'.
• Religion, Politics, Favourite things: All of these could be fleshed out a bit more by adding reasons. Why is she a democrat - what is it about their policies or values that she prefers? Why is she a Methodist - is she just one in name having grown up in a Methodist family or is her faith important to her? Think about how these aspects of Zoe impact the rest of her life.
• Occupation: I'm assuming that if Zoe can spend most of her day being a musician and an author, she's not at school anymore, making her an adult. If so, that relates to my point about age - how old is she, and if she is living alone, how does she afford rent and food, etc.?
• Background: No mention of parents? Did Frank raise her? Why did she move out of home at 16 and move so far away - were things not going well? Did she have an amazing job or education opportunity? I want to see how other aspects of Zoe are reflected in her backstory. At the moment what I know of her personality doesn't fit 'got into lots of fights as a kid' and I want to know where her anxiety and depression stem from. I think filling in the education and prejudices fields would also be helpful information as you develop Zoe as a character.

All the best with your writing!

@Piper - I'm a bit confused. According to Google, Frank Iero (the rhythm guitarist) is 1.68 m tall, which is about 5'6. True, that's short for a guy, but it's a good handspan taller than 4'9, which is the average height of an 11-year-old boy. I'm assuming Zoe is younger than her brother, since he raised her, so he would have reached his full height by the time Zoe turns 20 for sure.

Prejudices are "preconceived opinions that are not based on reason or actual experience". So, assuming that women are bad at math or that all men are violent or that fat people are fat due to eating too much are prejudices. Everyone has prejudices, and their prejudices are usually wrong. These prejudices can be based off others' looks, behaviour, race, sex, gender, lifestyle, job, class, wealth, age, religion, accent, etc.

Um he is 5'6 now but he was 4'9 at the time.

That's what confuses me. At what age was he 4'9? If it was when he was a kid, then 4'3 is understandable for a Zoe-as-a-kid, but not an adult Zoe. (I assumed Zoe's page referred to her current adult self.)

Hi everyone! I will get to your characters soon. :) I was planning to look at some this weekend but it seemed like every time I had a free chunk of time the website was down.