Don't Be Suspicious

Can I be real for a second about something that's gonna make me sound like a coward?

I am so stuck in between wanting to die and being utterly afraid of death.
I mean, I think a lot of us know my history with suicide and self harm. And y'all know I still have relapses despite my meds, my therapy and my progress.
So you would think I'm not afraid to die.
And when I'm in those states, I'm not. At all. Because I want to die.
But otherwise, I am so afraid of dying (and getting old in general) that I've had full on anxiety attacks because I know in 60-70 ish years I'll probably die.
It's a mix between the idea of life just being over and the unknown. I kind of believe in heaven (yes I'm still Wiccan, I'm just forever in that place where I'm trying to figure out what I really think and I'm currently researching the traditional rebirth belief to see where I stand) but at the same time, I kind of believe that once you're dead… You're out. Nothing comes next. You're just gone.
And I know that I shouldn't worry about it but I do.
I dunno.
That was just my little rant because I didn't want to take the attention off of anyone in the venting chat, given the circumstances.

I think dying is what scares me the most.

The process of feeling your body shut down.

That scares me. But death doesn’t.

miriam you're scared of death because you probably don't actually want to die. you just want to kill off a certain part of yourself, or end the life you're living.

you're dealing with major depression, and a lot of other mental things. your mother, from what i've gathered, suck majorly and is a horrible person to live with. you're trapped in a shitty environment with a bad support system for help. that's what needs to die, your situation. not you.

death is absolutely and utterly terrifying, so that's perfectly normal. religion is often based, at least partly, on a need for some sort of option other than oblivion after death. because it's scary and unknown, you're right.

okay so crocs is now one of my favorite people
idk but I just needed to hear that
thanks love <3

also Crocs (this is wildly off topic)

I used to be like, super rude to you earlier in this chat

and i feel bad

i’m sorry

you’re super cool

okay so crocs is now one of my favorite people
idk but I just needed to hear that
thanks love <3

aawww. np my dude. for all our differences, you are a good person, and i understand what you're feeling just enough to try and offer some help. keep toughin' it out man, we like seeing you here, at least until you quit nb

also Crocs (this is wildly off topic)

I used to be like, super rude to you earlier in this chat

and i feel bad

i’m sorry

you’re super cool

apparently it's all water under the bridge dude cause i barely remember any of that. i. what did you even say that was rude?

also ur cool too and apology absolutely accepted

d00d I was so not in a good place for the first chunk of time I was here and I'm so sorry lmao

I was a bitch

I like to think I'm better now

also Crocs (this is wildly off topic)

I used to be like, super rude to you earlier in this chat

and i feel bad

i’m sorry

you’re super cool

apparently it's all water under the bridge dude cause i barely remember any of that. i. what did you even say that was rude?

also ur cool too and apology absolutely accepted

uhh hh great question I must’ve deleted it or something, cus you smacked on me for something stupid that i said lmao.

:ooooo thanks dude!

also like, I like to think I am wildly different from mid 2019 Emi. i definitely cooled down a lot lmao

i think i've already apologized a million times but i'm really sorry for the nightmare that was me

I…have not been here long enough to have a past self to hate

Which makes me hope I won't look back on myself a year from now and go "wow i was such a dumbass" but hey

I'm already a dumbass tho so idk

wait emi where did i do that???