Your Personal Venting Space 3: Tokyo Drift

ugh i'm really tired but i need to get some stuff off my mind so it looks like it's time for another night time vent

i just want to tell my dad's side of the family to PLEASE EXPAND YOUR VOCABULARY AND FIND DIFFERENT WORDS TO USE!!! first,the r word is literally a slur, would you throw around the n word or the f slur like that?? and second, gay is not a synonym for dumb or stupid. gay is not a negative word period. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING GAY!
idk how to tell them it makes me uncomfortable
and with the second one, helloooo i am not straight
once my dad called me the r word because of my anxiety. that was fun. i had that word used against me because of my mental illness. idk it's probably not the same because i don't have down syndrome or autism or anything like that, just anxiety and add, but yeah

also
idk how to come out to people
i mean i'm already out to my friends and parents but it's just really complicated and i feel like no one will understand. i was genuinely shocked when my mom told me she understood, didn't even ask any questions

also, this tumblr post i saw when i was questioning my sexuality the second time…i can't get it out of my head. nothing like already being confused and frustrated and you just see something that says "hey! you're not valid!"
this is basically what it said
"oriented aroaces aren't valid, you're either lgb or aroace, you literally can't be both, you guys are an affront to actual lgb people and i don't want you freaks associating with us"
i just can't get it out of my head even if i try to push it away and tell myself that's not true and i am valid
but
do people actually feel that way about me?
am i a freak?
stop it lily, you are valid
but i just
idk

thanks :)

also
my brain: vent above
my brain a couple minutes later:

throwaway account, because I want to stop chickening out about talking about this.
Would someone pm me? We probably know each other, if that matters to anyone. I've been on this site for…a while now. Chances are you'd recognize me on my main acc
This is going to be very hard for me to talk about, but please if I don't reply by tomorrow night, keep bumping me. I REALLY want to get this off my chest, but I keep cowarding out. Don't let me.
Idk how to tw this w/out telling the whole site…but if you have sensitivities to any kind of assault or abuse, tread with caution. I'll of course, give more details in the pm, and give you a better chance to back out

I’m gonna have to go to bed soon. So someone else take this. If not, pm me and I’ll chat w you tomorrow, Eos.

Thanks Dom <3 For anyone else who pms me, I am also going to sleep here. I'll try to get to you in the morning

Ah, okay, thank-you <3

Glad to know I'm not the only one with intrusive thoughts. Mine are horrifying. And frequent. I've never talked about them to anyone. They're the reason I hate driving. I'm actually developing a phobia of just being in the passenger seat on the highway. They're top tier, and I don't know how to get rid of them.

I have so many questions for the universe right now

1: why is chess considered not suitable for kids on YouTube but literal stripping and “(18+)“ clickbait is?
2: why do those things even exist in the first place???
3: why the actual feck was it in my little sister’s recommended section when the only things she’s ever watched are fashion, slime, and life hack videos???
4: why doesn’t unsee juice exist yet?????

My mom is mad at me again :)

Spoiler - click to show.

FUCK

wait, maybe I'm just dumb, but I'm still confused about why you don't want to take them?

also thanks for the reminder. Pill Time.

Just- I know it's stupid but let me bitch about this for the third time.
I'm already going into school with perhaps the worst mental health crisis I've had so far in my life, now there's all these strict guidelines I have to follow for covid. It's going to be so dystopian. I hate the rules all ready. I can't handle the rules. I can't handle being micromanaged and suffocated with lists of dos and don'ts. I know I have a particular problem with this, but it's not like I'm the only one. Teenagers in general can't handle stuff like this, they need freedom. Thinking about not having freedom in the one place I used to feel free makes me so panicky and anxious. I'm already drowning at home tiptoeing around other's expectations. School was the safe haven. It's not supposed to be worse.

I just can't stress enough how all these rules make me feel so anxious and horrible. I don't know what the emotion is called for this. It runs so deep. I hate this.
And yeah, I know it's all for safety and whatnot. I know why it's there, and I'm not saying it shouldn't be. It just sucks that it all has to be this way. I can't handle it. I'm so weak about this stuff.

I went on campus today to do some lab work and this sophomore ran up to me. And I had seen this person with my cousin and they confirmed that when they asked if I was her family and I said yeah, whats up (I'm used to that because my older brother had people talk to me and then my cousin does the same thing) But this girl was on the verge of tears as she explained how she had woken up late and forgot her food so she was starving and she had a headache because of her breakdown. I handed her a water bottle 2 granola bars, a packet of tissues, and two ibuprofen. She stared at me in awe before slamming into me and giving me a hug (Which made me uncomfortable because I don't like being touched) and it felt weird helping this sophomore girl collect herself when my life is crumbling apart

I haven’t been remembering to log my food intake lately and it scares me
how am I supposed to know if I’m overeating?

I haven’t been remembering to log my food intake lately and it scares me
how am I supposed to know if I’m overeating?

Your stomach will hurt.

Ok, you might be amazed by what I am about to say,
If you're hungry, eat
if you're not hungry, don't eat.
listen to your body, unless you have an eating disorder.
Much simple.

but it’s not that simple
sometimes you think you’re hungry but you’re actually bored, stressed, tired, or all at once
and if I keep eating more than I should, I’ll gain weight again, which will make me dislike myself, causing me to eat more
besides, a bit of hunger is good for me, it means I’m doing better
I just need to get back in the habit of tracking things before I regain those 20 pounds

So why is it seeming my junior year is better than my last 2 years of high school?