I'll critique for you!

I can't seem to open my last critique discussion over in 'Sharing & critiques' for some reason, so I'm starting a new one here.

Anyway, feel free to post your characters (or anything else like ideas, scenes, etc.) here and I'd be happy to help!

Hi, here is my new character! Hope she's good.

@mistress-0f-n0ne

Hi! Let's get right into it. You say that she's pale due to lack of sunlight and that she doesn't leave the house a lot, but her prejudices and personality type are centered around interactions with other people. Who are these people? Who does she meet (maybe on a regular basis) that she questions a lot, or acts flirtatious towards, etc.? Does she have friends, and are these the people that call her Pest?

For her motivation, in what way(s) does she want to better herself? What made her aware that she had to change at all? How does she go about doing it? And for her prejudices, the fear of disappointing others I get from her history with her parents, but what's the story behind her distrust of others? How does this affect her relationships?

The identifying marks are her fangs and puncture wounds, so how do other people react to that? What is the consensus on vampires? Most importantly: how did she become a vampire? It's probably one of the most significant things that happened to her, but you didn't mention anything about that in her backstory! And in the backstory, add more about her in the present. What's she doing now? How has her life changed since she (I'm assuming) became a vampire, and how does she feel about it? What is the conflict that drives the plot?

But other than that, Poppy seems like an interesting character. Good luck with her!

ayo this is Tessie would you mind critiquing her?

Um… Hello! I've just become part of this site and I'm not so sure how my character building is, so I was wondering if maybe you'd critique for me? I understand you may not reply for a while but I'm quite patient, so that's no problem with me. Either way, here's the URL. Cheers! Antionye

Could you critique the first portion of chapter one of my story please?

@Miriam

Of course! So, Shona. I've gotta say, she comes off pretty strongly as an antagonist. Like, you know in those wattpad books where this popular guy is dating this hot queen B-type chick (who is almost always a cheerleader) and then the protagonist comes and steals him away causing the queen B to erupt into a jealous rage? Yeah, that's the vibe that I got from Shona. I'm not sure what you were going for, since all you've said is that she's a major character, but maybe that's something to keep in mind.

Speaking of jealousy, maybe you should put that as one of her flaws. If just someone getting close to her crush is enough to make her start rumors, then I think that jealousy is definitely a problem for her.

Other than that, everything seems good! You've nicely detailed everything and overall Shona seems like a well-developed character. Good luck!

@calellory

I'd love to but you seem to have put her on private. Just make her public and I'd be happy to help!

@Windwalker

Yours is also on private, so just change it to public and I'll gladly help :)

@Jensen-rs

Sure! Just post the link and I'll take a look :)

Can I just post the writing on here instead of a link?

Yeah, go ahead.

A young man stepped into the building. He was wearing a dark suit. It was decorated with intricate patterns, and was ironed perfectly. His body was adorned with silver jewelry that wasn’t too flashy, but was enough to catch somebody’s eye if he walked down the street.
He didn’t blend into his environment too well. The man was standing with perfect posture in the entrance of a small convenience store, where the paint was peeling off of the walls and the air smelled like gasoline and cigarettes. A woman at the counter had been staring at him for some time, brow scrunched as if she was concentrating.
“Need something?” she asked. She was surrounded by pots of wilting plants and flowers. The woman used one hand to fiddle with the shriveled and stiff petals of a rose, the other to tap her nails slowly on the wooden counter. The man met her gaze.
“I’m okay,” he said. She stared at him suspiciously for a few more moments before turning away from him.
“Alright, well I’ll be in the back room. If you need me, just yell.” The man nodded, stepping forward. He scanned the small store, searching for something useful. A lot of the shelves were mostly empty, candy bars scattered here and there. The only thing that seemed to be fully stocked was the front counter. It was littered with personal items, cigarette ashes, and dead plants. The man frowned at the mess, about to turn away when something caught his eye.
On the shelf behind the counter was a compact mirror. It sat open, framed with gold and the glass reflecting the light. He stepped toward it quickly. That was exactly what he was looking for.
He leaned to the side, peering into the back room. The woman was shuffling through some papers, humming quietly to herself. He smirked, walking behind the counter and reaching up for the mirror. He swiped it off the shelf, smiling to himself.
It was cold and a bit heavy in his hands. The man snapped it shut, slipping it into the front pocket of his jacket and turning to leave, his small smile turning to a beam. He had finally succeeded in getting his hands on a dimensional mirror.
Suddenly, he felt a harsh tug on his hair. He yelped, feeling himself get pulled back away from the door. He heard a voice behind him.
“Where do you think you’re going with that?” it said. The grip on his hair was released, and he spun around to face the woman that had been behind the counter before. He tensed, backing away from her. She stepped toward him.
“What, with this?” He said, pulling the mirror out from his pocket and holding it up for her to see. She immediately lunged forward and tried to snatch it from his hand, but he held it up out of her reach. She jumped up, but still couldn’t touch it. He smirked down at her. “Having a bit of trouble, shorty?”
“Shut it, blondie,” she growled. He chuckled, waving the compact around above her. The woman glared up at him, tying her strawberry blonde hair back in a messy bun. Her grey-green eyes glittered with anger and mischief, and the smallest of smiles tugged at the corners of her lips. The man blinked, confused.
She then grabbed his tie with one hand and pulled herself up. She braced her other hand on his shoulder and pushed her body up to reach the mirror. The woman grabbed it from him, then let himself drop back down the wooden floor.
The man was speechless. It had happened so fast, he wasn’t sure what to do or say. She smiled at him, putting the mirror in her pocket and placing a hand on her hip.
“Don’t you know it’s rude to steal personal things from people you’ve just met?” She asked, tilting her head to the side, holding her hand out. “I’m Amber Lumic, by the way. I own this store.”
“Nice to meet you,” the man replied hesitantly, shaking her hand. Amber smiled at him. Her soft pink lips contrasted her smooth porcelain skin. Her face was edged with perfection, as if it had been produced in a factory. The only thing that seemed to be in the way of that was the thick scar that ran from the arch of her eyebrow to the corner of her mouth.
Amber blinked. “Are you going to tell me your name?” she asked. He thought about that for a moment.
“No, probably not.”
“Fair enough. Can I ask why you were trying to steal a personal item of mine?” She said, holding up the compact mirror. He looked over at it, and felt the urge to reach out and grab it.
“Do you know what it is?” he asked, gaze not straying from the mirror. Amber chuckled.
“Of course I know what it is. It’s mine, after all.” The man nodded. “It let’s a sentient being travel to parallel dimensions. I just can’t figure out why you need to do that.”
The man glared at her, stepping back. “Of course you wouldn’t know, we’ve only just met,” he said. His body began to emit transparent gold flames. They were soft and barely visible, but Amber had noticed them. She tilted her head curiously, trying to figure out what they were.
“Can’t you at least humor me? You tried to steal my mirror, so you owe me something,” she pointed out, turning away from him. She walked around the back of the counter, entering the back room. “Get back here and answer some questions for me, and I might consider forgiving you!” she called to him. He cautiously made his way to the back of the store to meet her.
There were more dead plants and flowers in the back room than he could count. Some of them still held on to a bit of vitality, while others looked as if they were about to crumble to ashes. He felt a chill looking at it.
“Don’t worry about that,” Amber said, putting a hand on the man’s shoulder. He jumped a bit, looking at her. “It’s just Dark Magic. We drain the life force of plants and convert their energy to perform spells and whatnot.”
“Dark magic… ” he repeated, voice low. “I believe I’ve heard of that before, but I’ve never really seen it.” Amber’s eyebrows raised.
“Really? It’s everywhere in this city.” Amber pointed up at the lights. “We use it for things as basic as electricity,” she paused, picking up a wilted flower from a table, “to raising the dead.” She pressed her thumb and forefinger to the bottom of the stem. Green flames wrapped around the flower, licking at the petals. Slowly, it gained its vitality.

https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/383139#!

heyy sorry here's Tess again

Hey, could you critique my character? This is a Vampire and Vampire Hunter (VPH) world.

@Jensen-rs

I like it! Overall, the two characters have a nice dynamic, and the plot itself is interesting.

The main issue I had is with the descriptions. Most of your descriptions are written in a chunk, and instead they could've been interwoven into your text. For example, maybe you can introduce the jewelry by giving the man a nervous tic, where he grasps his necklace or fingers a bracelet when he's feeling uncertain or apprehensive or whatever. It gives the character more depth and allows you to seamlessly add in descriptions. Likewise, instead of describing the guy's appearance in one long paragraph, describe the color and texture of the suit when the woman is touching it.

Speaking of the woman, put a couple of the descriptors you used at the beginning when she's first introduced. For me, personally, I automatically assumed that she was old and decrepit, kinda like her store. (I'm not really sure why, maybe I just associate convenience stores with old people? idk.) So maybe make it clearer that she's actually young and pretty, by introducing her as a young woman with a pretty face. And the scar, which seems to be a defining feature, should definitely be introduced sooner. If I saw someone out on the street with such an obvious blemish, my eyes would definitely be drawn to the scar first, and then to the rest of the face. (Wow, I feel like I'm painting myself as kinda a judgmental person here. Whoops.)

Anyway, other than that, there were a few grammatical errors, which can be easily fixed ('let's' instead of 'lets' in one of the woman's dialogues, etc.), and I had a few questions, like why such a fancily-dressed man was visiting a rundown store in the first place, what he possibly hoped to gain when he had no idea that the owner possessed what he needed, and why the man was unfamiliar with such a commonly used magic (you could say that he was new to the city, but that just brings me back to my first point: how'd he know where to go?)… Just tighten a few of these points up and you'll be golden!

I hope this helped! Good luck!

@calellory

Okay, so, Tess. She looks good, but one major thing: she doesn't have any prejudices! Everyone has prejudices, and Tess is a sheltered princess, so she should definitely have some preconceptions about the world around her. The rest of her personality seems good, though you could stand to add a few more details in her mannerisms (not her behavior, but some tics she has, like tapping her foot or fidgeting), hobbies, and motivation.

In addition, you should expand her backstory. Why did she just run away? Was she that against the arranged marriage? Because if she supports her parents and if it's for the good of her country, as the princess it's kinda her duty to follow through. So I feel like you need a good justification for why both the princess and the prince abandoned their families, countries, and their jobs basically. (This may sound a little harsh, but someone's gotta play the Devil's advocate lol.) And then after that, she comes across a witch who puts a curse on her, just like that? No offense, but the whole thing seems a little contrived. If you just justify Tess's and the witch's actions, I think you'll really have a great story in your hands.

Hope this helped! Good luck!

Thank You!

@Grace

Wow, I really like him! He's well-developed and I honestly don't really have anything to say. All your points are detailed and pretty unique, so great job on that! I just want to know more about the world. Why do vampire hunters exist? Are vampires evil or something that they have to be hunted? Can a vampire hunter deny his destiny and not hunt vampires? And how did Herne, with his hatred for vampires, get saddled with Asmodeus? Speaking of, what exactly is their relationship?

Other than that, I don't really have anything. Good luck!

Thank you very much! I've been trying to train myself to show, not tell, but I keep slipping back to writing descriptions like that. This really helped though, thank you!

Hi, would you please critique my gal? I already know my flaws maybe aren't the best, but any help would be appreciated! Thanks.
This is my gal: Ashanti Eleanor Warren

@Lightningclaw13

Xylas seems like an interesting character. But you say that they're urbane, but that their flaws are their cantankerous and unconvincing behavior. In my opinion, that's a little bit of a contradiction. Someone who's grumpy won't make the same impression someone who's smooth and polite would.

As for prejudices, sure, everyone's afraid of demons, but what're Xylas' prejudices? What preconceptions do they have about the world? (Maybe they have some about humans, and their studying of them will prove them wrong–or right?)

Also, in the background, you say that they have a goal no one knows about. That's great to build suspense and whatnot, but right now these are just notes to help you plan. Write their goal down! Even if it takes forever for it to actually show up in your book, writing it down can help you plan it out better, and it'll help you solidify their character.

Anyway, I hope I helped!

(By the way, the art is really good! Nice job!)

@Kat
I hate to ask since you're getting so many requests, but would you mind taking a look at Caleb?? Don't feel pressured to only if you have the time.

@joufflucharlie

I'd like to start by saying that I can't remember the last time I read about a mute protagonist, so awesome job there. One thing I'd like to say about it though, is that there are like many different types of sign language. It's not possible that everywhere he goes, there will be people who can use sign language as well, and even if they can, they might not be able to understand him. So that's just something to think about.

In addition, his main motivation is to redeem himself for being the reason his village was destroyed, but… how would he know that he caused that? He was eight years old. He most likely didn't know there were people looking for him, or that his Seer abilities were linked to the creatures in the woods. The likelihood that any of that or the night everyone died made sense to him is slim.

Other than that, Max is a great character. Good luck with him!

@Jensen-rs

No problem! I'm glad I could help :)

@alanye

So, for her mannerisms, you said that she tried to hide when she was nervous or afraid, but in her personality you said that she was not ashamed to be afraid. So.. which is it?

Other than that, I don't really have anything. She's well-developed and an interesting character. Good luck with her!