I'm uhhhh questioning my gender again

hi I'm doing a panic
I burst into tears last night bc of my chest (I was assigned female at birth) and idk if that was dysphoria or something
and I don't know if I'm trans or not??? Like maybe it's just some sort of side affect/symptom of some sort of other thing that could be fixed. Or maybe I'm in denial idk
but like
I didn't show any signs of being trans when I was little, I loved dresses and shit
and even as a teenager I would wear dresses to dances bc dresses are pretty but every time I saw myself in the mirror something seemed really off. And I felt more like a plastic doll than myself… and over the years my confusion grew as I developed more and realized that I really didn't like how feminine I look… and just a few days ago I got a super short haircut and later I saw my body and face and I just started freaking out because all I could think is "this isn't right, this isn't me, this shouldn't be my body, I shouldn't have a tiny waist or breasts or a super feminine face or a high pitched voice"
and then it got me thinking really hard
and realizing that I don't think of myself as a feminine person… like my mental voice is male and whenever I see how feminine I look in pictures I get confused….

anyway that's all I have for now thanks for coming to my ted talk

I'm cis, so I can't be of much help here, but I think that's dysphoria. Anyway, I'm ready to help however I can.

it's so weird though… like I want to be female and see myself as a girl but my stupid brain has to screw things up

That's minor dysphoria alright… I gave Red some tips on how to be more masculine, would you like to hear them?

maybe…

OK… Don't diagnose yourself with anything yet… It sounds like dysphoria but it might not be… Is there a professional you can see?

no… I live in the middle of nowhere and the last time I tried to tell my parents that I'm trans they said "no you're not" and told me to never go on hormone therapy or get surgery, and that to them I'd always be a girl no matter what I said or did… so there's no way they'd let me see a professional about it

Oh… I'm sorry Jensen, you deserve far better!

it's okay… I'm not sure I want to go on hormone therapy anyway. I know I'd rather have my voice deeper and I've kind of cried over how high pitched it is before and I'd love to a more masculine face and body and all that but idk if that's really what I need if that makes sense

Going to hormone therapy could give you some serious side-effects… Like headaches, sickness, decreased quality of life, and various others… Plus, as a teen, you're already swimming with them… Hormone therapy is not the best thing for you yet…

yeah… so I don't know what to do…

Wait until you're free of all this bullshit…

I gave the tips I'm offering you to Red in our PM…

you didn't give me any tips…

No… I gave those masculinity tips to @RedTheHopeless in their PM with me…

oh I misread that sorry lol

It's OK… Just ask me if you need them…

yeah, I might…

Maybe demigirl or something?? I am also cis, myself, but I was questioning at some point so I did some research. I wish I could help more. I’m sorry you are frustrated.

You can still identify as male and like "girly" things. There's nothing wrong with liking dresses and still maintaining your masculinity/non-feminimity. And I'll fight anyone who says otherwise.

I'll fight them with you

I'll confirm that for Red… I'm a dude, and I wear pink sweatpants and think eyeliner looks fucking sick! (In a good way, although I've never tried it.) Nobody tests me on my machoness unless they want to get put to sleep.

Perhaps it’s a both or neither situation and you just enjoy the occasional feminine style, but you don’t necessarily identify as female??

lasjdhflkjashdf okay maybe I'm trans then??? but that's scary???

Jensen…

Does trans apply to the changing of ones gender identification in any way, even if it’s “biological” to like non binary for example??

I don't know…

Me either.

Jensen…

wassup?

I think yes??

So my interpretation is: if it’s not cis, it’s trans. That may not be right, though. I am confused.