"Capitalism is okay if you're a dilf."
kinda true
Tell Me Stuff You Heard High/Middle School Students Say!
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“Man, I have terrible vision.”
“You should wear glasses.”
“I’m wearing glasses!”
“We ALL wear glasses!”
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"i'm gonna try standup at an open mic."
"your demographic is people who use tumblr negatively, you'd have like three people show up."
"I finally found the merge of emo teen daughter and mother with her life put together, after all this time."
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"You're too holy to be a tattoo artist"
"wait, no! come back! I love you! here's this." hands them an empty cup
"Ew he's ugly, msi is for pretty girls."
"gatekeeping msi."
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'Mine was arson, what was yours?'
'Stealing babies.'
'Oh, of course! That makes sense.'
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"my momma says I gotta know my beans because one day my momma won't be there to help me"
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some stuff I remember from hon alg II because that place is chaos:
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Math teacher: "Slytherins are the kids who are like 'oh I'm ~edgy~"
My friend: "They probably listen to Linkin Park alone in their room-"
Me: "HEY DON'T YOU DARE INSULT LINKIN PARK-"
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Math teacher: "Now since 1 squared is often 1-"
Class: '-'
Me: "Often?"
Math teacher: "Yes."
Class: ⊂(⊙д⊙)つ
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"I see you like my $25 flamingo suit-"
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At the bottom of a test: draw a duck as a paramedic for extra credit
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Math teacher: "Now we've found U, but the thing is, I don't care about U."
Class: [offended gasp]
Math teacher: "U heard me."
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"I once had a kid scotch tape a singular sour patch kid to the back of his test as a bribe."
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"Wait, how many people have died from a vitamin C overdose-"
"6."
"Should I be worried that you knew that on the spot?"
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"You would have to eat 11,000 oranges in one sitting to have a vitamin c overdose."
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"Geof started with 53 oranges. Every week he steals 6,893 oranges from Whole Foods. How many oranges has Geof hoarded by the end of the year?"
"351,596 oranges."
"And he keeps them in a giant meat locker."
"With one glass of orange juice in the center as a threat."
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self-correcting science tests
kid raises hand
teacher: yeeeeeEEEEEeeeeEEEs?
kid: "Um…. I got all the questions right except for my name"
(subsequently)
teacher: weeeeeeEEEEEEEEell, whose fault is that?"
kid: "yours."
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“Look at us. With our canonical husbands.”
“Wait, is he straight?”
“He’s engaged to two men! And has been engaged to a third!”
"Pickle juice is smooth pickles"
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"technically, ketchup and guacamole are jams, since they're made from fruits."
"KETCHUP IS A JAM?!"
"well, ish…?"
"I CAN HAVE KETCHUP WITH PEANUT BUttER, THEN! YAY!"
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"do i want to let you sing a song about blowing up the school? not really, but you'd pull it off so well." (this is my musical theater teacher about me singing meant to be yours for a grade)
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"I'm not funny, I'm just a sad clown."
"do you wanna meet Pilates Jin?"
"bonk"
"you killed me."
"wouldn't be the first man I slaughtered."
"If you don't want your kid to be Catholic, send them to Catholic school! They'll figure out they're gay AND that they like being spanked!"
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"i'm gonna put these pride stickers on all the homophobic teachers' doors."
our gay german teacher: "absolutely not, because then they'd get mad at me."
"why?"
"everything that has to do with gay in this school comes back to me? do you know any other lesbian teachers?"
"….."
"didn't think so."
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"It takes 5 ounces of vanilla extract to get drunk."
"Well, I know what I'm doing when I get home!"
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"i will steal your arteries!"
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"give me your arteries and i'll let you live"
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"I'm not posessed by Satan. Satan is posessed by me."
"Wait, then could I go to hell please? I hear it's very nice this time of year."
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xcfvbnm you just reminded me and i laughed so hard-
so this kid in my class literally made a travel brochure for the udnerworld and put the school as the picture for it and put it in the teachers' mailbox.
i have more underworld-related weird things gimme a sec…
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film class:
(describing the 3 different kinds of bullets)
"there's bullet bullets, that are bullets, and do bullet things"
(when one of the talent or crew has a nut allergy)
"ABSOLUTELY NO NUTS ON SET"