Please let me critique characters!!! [CLOSED - SORRY!]

@CinnamonRoll :D

aa, thankie man yvy <3
As for Shiranui's contradiction, i've seen it done somewhere else - while she may want to be appreciated for her music, she herself really enjoys it, but if there is anyone near who gives off the impression they are bored or make any noise for too long, she packs up and goes away for in her mind, if they dont keep absolute quiet while she plays, it means they are not interested and they also break her concentration as well, and shes not the type to put up with it. She lives the music, not just plays it so rather than being interrupted by some "uncultured prick" she'd rather play alone for herself.
The best way to appreciate her is basically waiting until she's done and only then praising her.

She's basically like Maestro from Onmyoji in this short clip ^^ Her music philosophy is based on this episode :"D

Her being a little grumpier than usual could be many things - she could just be a loner, who has a very loud obnoxious friend or she's bummed because she is the least used of all Daemons, gathering dust for God knows how many hears

Ty for the critique :D And i kinda hope seeing Shiranui helped understand some things about Hikari as well ^^

Hello, everyone!! Last night before I take a break! Here's the round-up:

Tonight's critiques are for @GameMaster and @Katastrophe!!

Tomorrow is break night!!!

The 5th and 6th, first slots are for @GameMaster!!! If no one else swings by, I might still do one per night, if that's all right? Slowing things down a bit is always nice for me.

@Kinarymo - excellent explanation, thank you!! And of course, I'm very happy you enjoyed!! Shiranui and Hikari seem to balance each other out well, that's for sure!

@Katastrophe - I'm glad you liked it!!! And your responses are lovely and valued - it means a lot to see people acknowledging all of my words!! :D I'm excited for Eteri tonight!

@GameMaster - Hey, no worries!! If you're busy, you're busy, and that's okay!! If you feel it would be valuable to come back for a round 2, of course swing by whenever! And I'm glad you enjoyed the critique, despite being busy and tired (make sure to get lots of good rest!!)

All right, @GameMaster, party time, part 4!! Top down on Jolene…

(Oh! She's an S&D kid! I must admit that I am very much an S&D kid, and it really kind of… shaped me a lot? If that makes sense. So maybe I'll be able to spice in some personal perspective in here!! If I do, it's okay to ignore that if you'd like, since it'll obviously be more specific to my own personality and might not apply to Jolene. Buuuuut we'll see how it goes!)

First up is 'avoiding strong connections.' This seems a bit out of place, given Jolene's previously described personality. She loves being around people, debating with people, and she's just plain extroverted. Often, casual debates with the aim of gaining knowledge can get a bit nasty if you don't really know your opponent. Basically, debating with friends is MUCH easier and MUCH more fun than debating with acquaintances. So you could probably explain why Jolene wants to avoid connections, but just know that to really flesh out that debater archetype without making everyone see her as the actual worst, she's probably going to need a friend or two.

And then there's 'unfocused.' So I'm not quite sure what you mean by this exactly. If you were going for an extension of "doesn't follow stuff through, goes down research rabbit holes" and that, then that makes sense! Continue onward. But if you meant "Jumps around in conversations, can't focus on blocks of text for too long, zones out in class" that's confusing with her personality (UNLESS she has a condition like ADHD, which introduces symptoms like that, but I don't see that listed here). Jolene is a debater, which means she needs focus and precision to find minute holes in arguments. Her focus would be unlikely to drift often.

History - same as always!! I won't bore you tonight. But one specific thing to consider - her dislike of forming strong relationships. If you move forward with that trait, make sure to specify where that comes from!!

Okay!! That's all I have for you tonight!! Jolene is, so far, my favorite character of yours - probably because I relate to her the most. I'll see you tomorrow and, per the usual, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

All right, @Katastrophe's turn!! Top down on Eteri…

Social page looks wonderful!! Just a question - did you have to make it yourself?? When I joined wayyy back in like 2018, the Social page was pre-built, and it's a shame if that's not the case anymore!! It doesn't matter so much though - this one is perfectly fine!

Starting off on Nature, I would offer the same blanket critique that I gave to Isra. Just that next level that needs to be exposed. I understand a decent amount about his interactions with Isra, but not so much with anyone else. Given he's her familiar, perhaps that was your intention, and that's cool! But if Eteri interacts with others, make sure to expand more on that side of him. And of course, consider his dark side! I mean, he's prejudiced against the human realm - how does he act on that?

Also, this isn't really a PROBLEM, because it's obviously your writing and you are god in your own google docs, but as a note: I notice that Isra and Eteri are really similar. I don't know if that's another mage-familiar connection thing, but I do worry a bit that the similarity will cut down on argument between them, and therefore deeper exploration of each character. Having them too similar is dangerous to me, but it is NOT my job to tell you to change them - I just wanted to let you know what I'm perceiving.

History is solid!! One overall thing here. The actions Eteri has taken in the past (trying to bond multiple times, seeking out and helping Isra, etc) speak to a much more active personality than the one I saw in Nature. I'm not sure how the mage-familiar bond works, and maybe he grew more like Isra as he connected to her, but just know that this past Eteri seems incongruent with who he is now.

All right!! That's all I have for you tonight. Eteri is, much like Isra, a wonderfully developed character. And in your words (which I quite like) he just needs the last bit of shading. It was lovely getting to know your characters, and never hesitate to come back!! But for now, I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

O hai hai again qvq
I dug up someone else yvy
Here y3y

Hey, if you could critique Henry that would be amazing! He's from the same universe as Richard, and is in fact Richard's love interest :)

Hi, everyone!!! Back from my evening off (which was wonderful!) and ready to round up for the night!

Tonight's critiques are for @GameMaster and @Kinarymo!!

Tomorrow, it's time for @GameMaster and @tiredandconfused!

Day after that, first spot is for @Icefire!

@Katastrophe - so glad you enjoyed!!!! And of course remember that compatible doesn't always mean similar. To some extent, opposites do attract, and some personalities are just magnetic.

All right, @GameMaster, back at it again!! Top down on Isaac…

First thing I notice is under personality type - the first listed trait leads to a LOT of clash later on. Much of Isaac's personality is based on a brand of inner strength - self-confidence, pride, honor, and a modicum of stubbornness. But his first trait indicates that he's willing to change his opinions under certain conditions. That adds nuance to his values of honor, showing that it's more of a public projection thing, but it also contradicts his stubbornness and inner confidence. I mean, he's willing to change to please the people around him - that's the opposite of stubborn.

Then I have a question about politics. Isaac doesn't EXPRESS his political opinions, but does that mean he doesn't have any? For an educated writer and a debater, I would expect some political opinions. Has he really lost his political stance during his time of changing for others, or are they just suppressed?

Isaac's background is still a little sparse, but this time, it lacks general background and fulfills a good part of trait origins. I understand the roots of his personality here, which is of course the most important part, but it would also be good to know more generals about him.

sorry he DIES ?????

and on THAT note - that's all I have for you this evening!! Isaac is a wonderful character. I sympathize for him and am QUITE UPSET that he's dying. But that's besides the point - I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

All right, @Kinarymo, let's do this!! Top down on Hitomi…

Nature is overall VERY solid. As you know, I don't unleash as hard on side characters, since flawless consistency isn't quite as necessary. But there is one small thing that I'm picking up on: verbal manipulation. Lilly's personality is built around her aloof and detached nature, something that only relaxes when she's around her family. Verbal manipulation (short-term, in-conversation type) requires a level of charisma and social prowess that is NOT present in Lilly. Straight intimidation might be possible, but that's very different from manipulation.

History is also really, REALLY solid. Like, wow - this is way more than I expected for a side character!! Only one thing here as well. This fear of being a mother: where does it come from? Was she told she'd fail? Was her own mother bad at raising her? Was her culture ill-suited to what the Continental culture demanded in a mother? Generally, something as deep as that should have a source, especially given that her hesitation to have a child is a plot point.

Okay!! That's not a ton, but it's all I have for you tonight!! Well-developed side characters are my weakness, and Lilly certainly is one. Even though it's a bit sparse, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

Hi, everyone!! Back again to round up for the evening:

Tonight's critiques are for @GameMaster and @tiredandconfused!!

Tomorrow, they're for @Icefire and a private critique!

And that's actually all the planning I have to do in advance!! I will warn you all that I have to start thinking about closing the thread soon, since school is coming up, and I'm about to be BUSY. The very thought hurts me, so I'm just going to put it off for way too long!!!!

@GameMaster - I don't think he's underdeveloped!! Smaller contradictions rather than overarching issues generally means that a character is moving into deeper development, with contradictions arising mainly due to lack of explanation and delineation. So he's quite developed in that sense!! (I don't want him to die!!!!!! rip Isaac folks)

Okay, @GameMaster, last one!!! Top down on Amara…

For Amara, I would also offer the umbrella critique I've given to most of your other characters. I won't repeat it, though, because I feel kind of bad just saying the same thing a lot.

I do notice a couple smaller contradictions as well. One, her decision-making. Amara is first described as someone who relied on intuition to guide her, which hints at more impulse-based decisions - gut feeling, stuff like that. But later, she's described as someone meticulous, who carefully weighs facts and opinions to make choices. Clearly, these are two contradictory traits IF they both exist in the same areas. If each applies to different scenarios - say, impulsive with little things, like making plans, taking day trips, and buying clothes, and meticulous with big things - then this can begin to make sense.

One of her flaws also sticks out to me. It says that Amara often sticks her opinion into other people's problems. This is a valid flaw, but it seems to clash with her tentative, timid nature in social situations. She's also described as friendly but serious - something that I understand to mean somewhat detached, although not mean. Someone reserved and somewhat aloof in social situations certainly wouldn't be the first to inject her opinion into people's issues.

As for history, it's the same critique as always: I desperately want to know more about Amara!! Everything you currently have is good, and I can see basis for her drive to gain success and respect from others, but I don't understand much else.

and DAMN those are some VERY different languages'

Okay!! That's all I have for you tonight. It's been a pleasure getting to know your characters over this past week, and I hope to see your series one day!!! Thank you for acknowledging all of my words with kindness, and, as always, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DD

And now, let's move on to @tiredandconfused! Top down on Kydrei…

Okay, first off: WOW. This is not a side character. This is a HIGHLY well-developed main character. I mean… WOW. I'll be INSANELY lucky if I can find a single thing here, but I'll try my best!!

I guess there's just one thing, and it's a clarification of her public persona. Kydrei is described as someone somewhat extroverted and charismatic. She's kind, outgoing, and willing to start conversations and keep them going. That was cemented in my head as her public persona, but then she's described as someone who generally tries to be serious, and this extroverted nature is more of a break in the persona. That's fine, but it's also confusing, since it hints that Kydrei wants to hide her personality, which is different than avoiding connections. So that was a touch confusing about Nature, but literally everything else is stunning.

Backstory… my god. I can't find a SINGLE thing in backstory. Perhaps there is something, but I'm not skilled enough to root it out. This is such an incredible story, my god.

Okay!!! That's, like, next to nothing, but it's all I have to offer you today. Kydrei is an INSANELY well-developed character who I can't help but love. I really am sorry I couldn't offer more, but in any case, I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll aa qvq thamkie
i uhh- made Lilly like, a year or two ago, so its ok if things dont tie :")) most dont
I should also prolly mention i suck at making female characters, so knowing you consider her well developed with that little amount of mistakes makes me happy :D I figured the verbal manipulation thing is something she does in a cold manner, like, she entangles them in their own words that they say stuff they otherwise would not - but i think thats something from the old version of Lilly, where shes a figurative icicle because how do u write whamen?? :"D

I think in my rush to develop every single character i have down to the smallest NPC made me write down a lot of things that don't really make sense when you look at them from afar :"D Like how shes a bit fearful of being a mom - now that i look at it it seems a bit unjustified, especially since having children is one of the most important things for Morphidae, made even more important by the fact she's royalty. Sure she may be a bit timid because she was never around an infant and there's no other species living at the north pole whose young she could have learned to raise; that was also a bit influenced by the fact her kin is a bit harsher than continental Morphidae, but her straight up fearing it might be a bit unjustified.
I guess those mistakes are also because i never gave her a physical representation like everyone else and therefore i could not exactly pinpoint her personality (as i do with most of my kids - seeing them makes it easier to decide what they're like ^^)

But overall, im glad u like her :D even tho she will probably never show up in the story, partly cuz i havent decided if shes dead or missing :")) _{(what would u think would be best? o3o)}

Also, i'm approaching the end of my character list yvy, Here's one i dug up :"D

Hi, folks!!! Back again to round up:

Tonight's critiques are for @Icefire and a private critique!!

Tomorrow, they're for @Kinarymo!

@tiredandconfused - she really is incredibly solid!! Your attachment to her has clearly paid off. I like that explanation for her personality, too!

@Kinarymo - She really is great!! Making female characters doesn't have to be so hard. For me at least, I just focus on core personality. Some of my characters have changed gender as I continue development without really losing what makes them who they are. And I think she should be missing, just so we can get a chance to meet her!

All right, @Icefire, let's do this!! Top down on Henry…

The most major critique I have on nature is an umbrella critique. This is SPARSE. I know a few things about Henry, but not a lot about HENRY. You know? I understand bits and pieces of his public persona, private self, and inner drive, but no one side of him is completed in full. I would really, really encourage you to fill out his sheet more. With what is currently available, I can't actually offer much help, since there isn't enough material and branching traits to lead to contradictions.

I will poke at one little thing: motivations. Of COURSE Henry can be motivated by loyalty and money, but you have to explain where those two traits exist. In what situations does Henry choose loyalty over money, or vice versa? Is there a learning curve as he shifts from selfishness to selflessness?

History has the same issue as nature overall. I can't really pick at individual pieces here, since there's not a lot to work with. As above, I'd encourage you to put more here! But I will pull at a thread or two. One, his selfish nature. So Henry has a secondary motivation of money, but to make that low on his priorities seems wrong, knowing that he was a bastard child raised on the streets. His sense of self-preservation would logically be MUCH higher.

Two, his relationship with Richard. No arguments that they become friends and get together - awesome!! But I feel like the curve there should be a LOT longer than "fast friends." If this is just something you didn't feel like writing out, disregard!! But if you didn't consider it, make sure to think about how social standing would impact their relationship. Like you noted in Henry's bastard prejudice, there were a LOT of stigmas at the time. Richard having no prejudices against prostitutes, bastard children, street kids, thieves, etc. seems a touch unrealistic.

Okay!!! That's all I have for you tonight. Henry has strong bones, but I'd love to see a lot more nuance added to his character!! If you ever choose to come back for a round 2, I'd love to see you! But for tonight, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DDD

This is my most fleshed out character Rolan, I would love for you to critique him!

All right, @Icefire, let's do this!! Top down on Henry…

The most major critique I have on nature is an umbrella critique. This is SPARSE. I know a few things about Henry, but not a lot about HENRY. You know? I understand bits and pieces of his public persona, private self, and inner drive, but no one side of him is completed in full. I would really, really encourage you to fill out his sheet more. With what is currently available, I can't actually offer much help, since there isn't enough material and branching traits to lead to contradictions.

D: yeah I realized that, and I've been kinda slowly filling him out

I will poke at one little thing: motivations. Of COURSE Henry can be motivated by loyalty and money, but you have to explain where those two traits exist. In what situations does Henry choose loyalty over money, or vice versa? Is there a learning curve as he shifts from selfishness to selflessness?

OOH yeah I should work on that

History has the same issue as nature overall. I can't really pick at individual pieces here, since there's not a lot to work with. As above, I'd encourage you to put more here! But I will pull at a thread or two. One, his selfish nature. So Henry has a secondary motivation of money, but to make that low on his priorities seems wrong, knowing that he was a bastard child raised on the streets. His sense of self-preservation would logically be MUCH higher.

Yeah. Thanks for pointing that out, apparently logic has deserted me lmao

Two, his relationship with Richard. No arguments that they become friends and get together - awesome!! But I feel like the curve there should be a LOT longer than "fast friends." If this is just something you didn't feel like writing out, disregard!! But if you didn't consider it, make sure to think about how social standing would impact their relationship. Like you noted in Henry's bastard prejudice, there were a LOT of stigmas at the time. Richard having no prejudices against prostitutes, bastard children, street kids, thieves, etc. seems a touch unrealistic.

So the thing with that is that they become friends before the book even starts, and by the time the book starts they're really good friends. So there is that. In addition, Richard was raised by his aunt as her "Ward", with no one knowing his actual identity, and most assumed he himself was a bastard, so yeah. But I definitely should work on that, thank you

Okay!!! That's all I have for you tonight. Henry has strong bones, but I'd love to see a lot more nuance added to his character!! If you ever choose to come back for a round 2, I'd love to see you! But for tonight, I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DDD

Thank you!! I was just a bit stuck on his character and needed some ideas on where to go from here. I'll probably bring him back for a round two sometime :D

Hello, everyone!! Back again for a quick round-up!!

Tonight I'll be critiquing @Kinarymo!!

Tomorrow, it's time for @/ Dibbobulous!

@Icefire - I'm glad you liked it!! And I'm glad I could help you through a little writers' block. I'd love to see him back for a round two anytime! :D

Okay, @Kinarymo, let's do this!! Top down on Elwin…

As you know, I don't mind sparse personalities so much for side characters. What you currently have for Elwin is excellent for a side character!! We know just enough about him to get invested, but not enough for him to confuse the plot. I would ask one little thing here: does Elwin have a temper as a parent? I feel he would definitely be a good dad, but like… how would he react if one of his kids broke a rule? Would he revert to severity for the 'disappointed dad' face? I feel like his work side should bleed a little bit into his home life, even if not in that way specifically.

History is also solid!!! It's especially detailed for a side character, which I love to see! One question here, and it's not a huge deal. Why was Elwin so apprehensive when he found Narion? Why did he choose to keep the baby only after his wife and son got attached? We know that his soft spot is family and kids. Even though he's a spy and naturally cautious, this is a baby. Why was he a little hesitant?

Okay!! That's all I have for you tonight!!! Well-developed side characters, man, they get me every time. But in any case, I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

Hi, guys!! Back again for a round-up, and it's a short one:

Tonight's critique is for @/ Dibbobulous!

Tomorrow, it's time for @tiredandconfused!!

@/ Dibbobulous - crap!! I can't see your character sheet! To switch the settings, go to the unfinished triangle button on the character page. It's three points with two lines, and should be next to the editing pencil. There, switch the privacy settings from "private" to "public." I'll check up on the link again tomorrow night!

And I'm not going to shift stuff around a bunch tonight. There isn't a big wait, so I'll just push things back. Honestly, I've had a LONG week at work, so this is kind of a blessing in disguise!! See you guys tomorrow! <3

@CinnamonRoll Aye :D thankie once again qvq <3

Well, depending on the gravity of the broken rule, he could be anywhere from a gently scolding father to full out serious/disappointed face. Point is he wants them to understand what they did was wrong/potentially dangerous and not do it again. Sure, he will be using the disappointed face with Tanis more, since its his biological kid and wants the best for him, but he will be a bit gentler with Narion, cuz he isnt as likely to get into trouble as often as Tanis, being blind and all. Should they break a very important rule, he will be disappointed and may even apply punishment, but all because he cares about them - it hurts him to do so, but its for the kid's good. He won't yell at them or anything, just use the same tone he does at work - he is not someone to mess around with, so you bet that severity of his is pretty scary for a kid.

As for his hesitation in adopting Narion - thats a baby yes, but you can't just insta yoink every child you find. His hesitation mainly stemmed from the fact he was trying to return it to wherever it belonged, and while he was asking left and right for the parents or even species, Narion was left home in his wife's care. Don't imagine he walked around holding the kid, it was freaking January, it was already bad enough the kid probably spent a whole day out in the cold all by itself so he wasnt gonna take anymore risks.
He most likely asked around for several days until his wife suggested they keep Narion and he reluctantly accepted it but only because by saying yes, it meant he was abandoning his search for the kid's family. It wasnt a problem for them to accept another child, but Narion was a different species from them, one they most likely never met before, so they were right to worry about raising him properly, especially with the slew of illnesses the poor kid had.

Thamkie for looking at my kids, again :D <3

Hello, everyone!! Still quiet on the thread, and honestly? I'm enjoying it! This has been nice! Here's the round-up:

Tonight, I'll be critiquing @/ Dibbobulous, since the link is once again functional!!

That means that tomorrow it's @tiredandconfused's turn!!

I hope you guys don't mind me taking it slow. Since there's no huge backlog of people, I hope y'all won't mind! It certainly is nice for me (and my sleep schedule).

@Kinarymo - Glad you enjoyed!! Honestly, he sounds like a really good dad, which is SO RARE in stories. I love him infinitely.