(OPEN AGAIN!!!!) I'm in the mood to critique people's characters! Drop them off if you want :)

I'd love to take a look at people's characters! The more I do this the more I realize I quite like it, as long as it's on my own terms hahaaaaa

I'd like to lay down some ground rules:

• Please only send one character at a time! You can always come back a second or third time after I've finished your current critique :)
• I know I come off rough sometimes, and I write A LOT which might make you feel like your character has a lot wrong with them BUT I JUST OVER-EXPLAIN MYSELF, which makes for some long sentences and some repetition. Don't take it personally, because that's all on me ^^
• I tend to ask a lot of questions, or ask for clarifications, when critiquing haha, don't be afraid to get back to me about them!
• I'd prefer if you sent in characters that you've already developed decently: no one-word filling of every category, or the mere skeleton of a character, because it doesn't give me much to work with. Thank you.
• Any advice I give is recommended, not set in stone: you do not have to take me up on advice that doesn't work for you. Just think of me as a sounding board!

That's all I can think of. I'll be closing/opening the thread regularly so as not to get bombarded with a bunch of requests haha. Hit me! :)

@Cookies
Jade:

• In Looks, do you mean she has bangs hanging over her left eye?
• I'm going to assume that the eye that was "mcmurdered" is the left, the one she's covering with her bangs? Since you can't see it "99% of the time". I'd suggest saying that directly! It shouldn't be up to the reader to assume things about your character, try to be as clear as possible.
• "but not to the point where she says one thing and you're like wow dude can you don't but more like she says something and you're like hey,,,,, stop" While this made me laugh I'm not sure what difference you're establishing between the two? Also, being cynical is one thing, but being VOCAL about it to the point of shocking is something else entirely: it could be bluntness, or a tendency to be a smart-ass or "woke" or "hey I'm just being real bro, don't get mad that I hurt your snowflake feelings with how real I'm being". Regardless, all of this would go into Personality, or Flaws, depending on the spin you choose to take. What would stay in Mannerisms is her way of talking or, as you put it, her tendency to shock or upset others with her words.
• Understandable she doesn't like idiots, but what qualifies "idiot" to her? It's different for everyone. And what's her reason for disliking "overly happy people"? Does she assume it's an act, and therefor hates "fake" people? Is she skeptical of their intentions? Do they simply grate on her nerves due to her own pessimism? Does she have a bad history with these types of people? And what do you mean by "exceptions", there's nothing in History that would develop on this.
• Elaborate on her Fears. Just one word is not enough to understand exactly what "abandonment" means to Jade, in regards to who, the severity or the depth.
• In Favorite Weapons. I would avoid saying things like "because reasons" as an explanation, especially when you're giving a character up for critique haha. I have no idea what that means. No one knows what that means. It's an interesting detail, but a reader cannot be expected to put two and three and five together to paint a picture of whatever may have happened to Jade to make her the way she is. If you yourself don't know why she carries a knife around, or haven't quite figured that out yet, better not to put anything at all. Don't raise curiosity for something that remains unexplained.

So far, all I have is that Jade is a cynical college-age girl with an unexplained (possibly traumatic?) backstory. I have a bit of a hard time visualizing her, which I guess you are aware of since you preface your link by saying you haven't written everything down ;) I hope you don't find me too harsh for saying this, but it's hard to understand what you want critiqued when there's,,, so little to critique, simply because there isn't very much written down. I'd suggest going over every category and putting something, anything, just to have a base idea for what you want Jade to be like: you can always come back and change, or erase, later. You can always take a character questionnaire, there are plenty of blank ones online for you to use. Also, since it's fresh on my mind haha, there's the popular MBTI quiz that could provide a great outline for you to base Jade off of. Lastly, something I personally find helpful with an underdeveloped character is categorizing them into groups like Hogwarts Houses, or stereotypes like zodiac/astrology signs, and go from there. Also character playlists are very fun!! and helpful for me personally!!
I hope this was helpful? Good luck!

@SwimwithGamers_should_be_doing_homework
Hinata:

• I'm very intrigued by this title of "oldest dimensional being"!
• Also great details with the hair style.
• Good start with the mannerisms! There are other things you could think about adding: how does she talk, with an accent or with a slur or with a lot of cursing? Does she swagger, or walk with elegance, or does she hunch? Does she tap her fingers or her foot or do anything else when she's pondering, other than leaning against a wall?
• Her unwillingness to show any weakness is not necessarily a flaw on its own: elaborate how this might have an unhealthy effect on Hinata. Does she refuse to trust others with her emotions, or with her problems? Does she refuse to accept that she may not be doing so good? Coupled with her depression, this sort emotional constipation may cause her to crumble inwards, and never tell a soul because of an underlying feeling of worthlessness, or a selective numbness.
• Along the same lines, how else does her depression manifest itself? A character's depth should never depend entirely on their mental illness, but mental illness is a huge part of a person and affects the way they think, behave, see the world. Everyone's mental illness, and trauma, is different, and it can be a great way to delve into her as a person as well as her history, if you elaborate how her depression affects her, and why.
• Her prejudice is interesting, and a good viewpoint for her to evolve from! Is there any particular reason she feels this way? Is it her trauma, or is it the way she was raised?
• You say she's charismatic in Talents: how does this charisma play into her abilities? Does she captivate an entire room with her words, does she inspire devotion in those she talks to? And what else is she good at, other than being fascinating? This could just as easily be in Personality, just by itself as it is now.
• What sort of things does she like to create?
• "Caring but guarded" is definitely a start, and I would work on tying this in with her other qualities! Is she guarded because she's afraid of hurting others, or because she's afraid others might hurt her? Is she selective in her caring nature, reserved to those she considers loved ones, or is she altruistic and universally kind? How long, and what does it take, before someone can gain her trust?
• I think I understand what sort of character Hinata is. She wants to inspire strength, and be a role model, to the point where she might neglect taking care of her own health. This is a good base and I think my main advice is to elaborate. Give more details, and don't be afraid to state the obvious! Connect the aspects of her personality into a cohesive whole, relate back to statements you made on her profile earlier, etc.
• Interesting that she's Christian, in a universe so different from ours! Does this affect her job? And isn't she herself, in some aspects, what people might consider a deity? How does this correlate with her believing in a higher power?
• Where exactly does Balance Keeper land on the Important Jobs scale? Is she equivalent to royalty? You mentioned she's the oldest being in her universe, does this give her any sort of privilege in regards to her occupation?
• What's the sentimentality behind her locket? A gift from her dead parents perhaps?
• Oof, 300 is not a lot of people. Is the population of Paradise an endangered people now because of the destruction of their home? Or were they always a small community? Also, you mention that people did not believe Hinata when she warned them of destruction: how has this affected her self-image? Is this also a part of what caused her depression, or is that all attributed to the loss of her parents?
• I love her Powers section!! It actually tells me a lot about her character, like the fact that she learned Apathy: does she use it often? Her Fiery Rage is also interesting, what does it take for Hinata to lose her cool completely like that? Does it happen often? This could all go into Personality!!

Hinata seems like a stoic but strong and kind leader. You got all the basics down, so good job on that! I would advise, again, simply that you elaborate, and write a little more for each section. Explain yourself, and explain her.
I hope this is helpful! :)

@Knight-Shives-Might-be-a-pyro
Robin:

• A cute nickname, is there a story behind it? Or is it just because he's small?
• Haha I would suggest researching the "average" weight for your character's height and body type and actually writing that down ;) Good details in height though!
• Good details with the burn marks.
• This might be me nitpicking haha, but what sort of anxiety does he have, for it to need a "trigger"? Things like social anxiety or generalized anxiety are an underlying factor to how someone functions everyday, and may surface more strongly under pressure but are also just always there. You say he has panic disorder, do you mean that he does not yet know what triggers his panic attacks? You clearly separate his anxiety from his panic disorder, are you trying to meld them together here?
• Great details with traits!
• I'd hesitate to put Anxiety in Flaws: anxiety often affects a person negatively, yes, but I'm not sure it qualifies as a flaw on its own. Maybe describe how Robin's anxiety enhances other flaws of his, or creates them? His distrust of others, perhaps an aloofness that surfaces with strangers he'd rather not be interacting with, paranoia, overthinking, etc.
• If he does it in his spare time, it qualifies as a hobby: reading is just fine! If he really doesn't enjoy doing anything in his free time, explain why that is, whether it can attributed back to his depression, or whether it's because to him having free time means wasting time and he'd rather be doing something useful rather than relaxing.
• In Education, has he finished uni? Is he working towards a Bachelor's or a Master's or a PhD? What is he getting a degree in?
• The backstory ties in well with who he is currently, good. He works a part-time job, but how does he afford tuition AND rent AND food AND utilities? Is he maybe living with someone? You also mention he's "nice and sarcastic" with those he gets close to: what does it take for him to trust someone? What sort of person is he drawn to, what kind of person makes him feel safe enough to open up to? These could go in Personality :)

Overall a well-rounded character, who could use some sprucing up and a few more details and explanations. Good luck!

This has been very helpful. And I chuckled slightly when you mentioned people seeing her as a deity. It's something I haven't added yet, but she and her twin have a literal cult of worshippers. Hinata, being Christian, tries to get rid of it several times, and she even punched the leader's face once. She absolutes hates it when someone calls her a god or a goddess and she does not shy away from correcting the mistake.

OhmyGOD that's really funny actually! I'd suggest adding that little story somewhere in her profile, because it introduces an assertiveness to Hinata that I was not aware of before, and gives a good hint as to what she thinks of others worshipping her when she thinks she doesn't deserve it. Thanks for the funny anecdote :)

@Rose
Nancy:

• ooh I love an older protagonist!
• haha describe her skin more, unless she is in fact actually sheet-of-paper white ;) Alabaster is a word I favor for very pale skin; pale, light, etc. Does she tan easily? Any particular undertones to her skin, like pink or yellow?
• Overall good job on the looks!
• Her mannerisms are incredibly in-depth, great work! Same goes for Motivations.
• Good development of flaws too, I like that she has the potential for moral ambiguity. Is she overconfident because she's factually good at her job, or is it something else? Is it perhaps a front to mask something different, to cover up or overcompensate for a survival's guilt she might feel after her husband's death? I feel like I'm just throwing stuff out there haha, but it's honestly refreshing to see overconfidence in a mature woman and I'm simply wondering if there's more to it.
• I LOVE YOUR BULGARIAN PIE COMPARISON <3
• Honestly I have very little to say on your personality section overall, Nancy is very detailed and I can actually see her and how she acts in my head, you clearly put a lot of thought into her.
• "Rollercoasters (Probably the only one that doesn't have a reason behind it. Honestly I don't even know why, it just felt right)" haha this is amusing but also pulled me out of the zone for a little bit, if you can't find a reason than I think you can get away with just putting "rollercoasters" period. Some people just have irrational fears like that, you can't explain it.
• Just, you do a great job at explaining Nancy's traits and why she has these traits and how they all relate to each other and I just <3 kudos for the coherency.
• oop, maybe just me nitpicking, but doesn't the mother have to Jewish for the status to be passed down to her children? Just a small detail.
• WHY HURT SOMEONE WHEN YOU CAN SUE THEM GOD YOU ARE SO RIGHT NANCY
• Nice and thorough backstory
• God I can relate to Nancy's relationship with her mother, I'm very happy that you're seriously incorporating relationships that aren't just romantic into this story, and looking at them in-depth like this. Ditto for her father and her sister and her son.

What a great character dude! A lot of this was praise rather than critique haha, sorry. Nancy is very well-thought-out and she can only improve. And I wouldn't worry about your English at all, it was very good and clear to understand :)
Thank you for sharing, and I hope this was helpful!

Hi q3q
Mind taking a look at this boyo? not sure if you've seen him before

Ty q3q

Hey could you do Luna, I’m not to good of a writer so don’t expect it to be that great

Hi Hi, can you critique August?

they seem like pretty cool characters

@Kinarymo No I haven't! :)
Rin:

• Once again, your art is so gorgeous and I love his gallery
• Your descriptions are always so detailed, I really appreciate that. Great job with the appearance! I will say however (though this may be a nitpick), "Around 51 kg (112 lbs) - daemons have complete control over their body weight, changing it as they please" –> a little awkward, because although it makes complete sense that a shape-shifter is always changing weight, different body types have different weights and it would be very weird if, when taking on the form of a sumo wrestler for example, Rin stayed at 112 pounds: it would negate the strength that's usually associated with that form, and I find it hard to imagine a sumo wrestler that's, like, feather-light like that?? I don't know haha.
• If he can shape-shift, wouldn't Rin be able to appear taller if he so desired? Or does it not bother him to be naturally shorter than average?
• I like that he "learns" how to be human: but does he remain without a core? How does one learn emotions, feeling, empathy? Similar to how can a robot care for a human? This might be delving into philosophy haha but I am curious.
• I understand being curious about his surroundings, but sensitive? I'd guess the opposite would come more naturally, a being who was raised as a tool might be insensitive to things he doesn't understand, or is still learning to relate to.
• "He seems to feel no remorse whatsoever for hurting those he deems enemies." Another element that seems to contradict a little with his naivety, and sensitivity, and his growing humanity.
• He can be aggressive and emotionally unstable, apparently when he deems that Narion is in danger: any other triggers? Does he ever become violent when there's no real danger? Is there any underlying paranoia or him being wound up tight, ready to spring at a moments notice and therefor sometimes springing too soon? He is a war-machine after all. He's still learning to be human, does he often misjudge social situations?
• Good mannerisms
• "He often comes off as very naive or child-like" This could be charming to some people: explain how it is a flaw.
• The cooking is a sweet detail :)
• Man your backstories, and general world-building, are so creative, big kudos on that.

There's not much else I can say, this is a very thoroughly-developed character and I think you did a very good job with him :) Keep up the great work!

@Virus
Luna:

• Any particular meaning/reason behind the skull on her cheek? a tattoo? a burn mark? A birthmark? any sentimentality behind it, in the case of a tattoo, or is it purely for aesthetic purposes?
• I'd go a little more in-depth with her Body Type, especially since you have no indication of height or weight.
• Good outline in the Nature section, and especially good start with the mannerisms and flaws. Everything could be elaborated on: how does she react when a stranger approaches her? Does she try to end the conversation out of self-preservation, or does she let it drag on despite her own discomfort, for the sake of being polite? Would she go so far as to die for her friends? What consists "at all costs" for her? She values her loved ones' needs over her own, does this also entail her keeping any pain or negativity to herself? Does she trust anyone with her feelings, or is there a divide that she creates for the sake of "keeping the peace"? What sort of person is she drawn to, and how long before she begins to trust someone? What particular sort of magic is she good at? Is she ALWAYS reserved, even with loved ones/those she trusts more? Does she have a sense of humor? She's shy, but is she fearful? Etc.
• Interesting job! Does her shy nature affect her capability at her occupation? Selling anything would involve communication with others, and banishing demons is a hardy task if I've ever seen one.
• In Education be more specific than "somewhat high" haha, that could mean anything: she dropped out of high school, she's in the middle of college, she finished high school and then stopped, etc.
• Why doesn't she like her hometown? There must have been a reason strong enough for her to leave to a whole other place.

You have a good outline for Luna, and there's plenty of room to beef her up! Just focus on elaborating more and adding smaller details bit by bit to each section, and you should be good :) Good luck!

@"CW-Write Like You're Running Out Of Time"
I'd love to, but I don't have permission to view your page! Make August public and I'll happily get back to you :)

Alice

(My bad! Should be fixed now!)

@Kaloobia thx for the response :0

1. I should have probably mentioned thats his weight in his current form, ill fix that o3o Though he's not likely to transform into smth tanky, he's more of an agile dps :0
2. He could be taller if he wanted to, but he doesn't mind his current height - after all, he's tall enough by human standards
3. the core thing is a little complicated, since you would need to know how the full soul works, but long story short, he never gets an actual core, more like he develops a pseudo core, with the help of Narion also, the original core his magic was ripped from still exists
4. Ye, i'll fix those, got it o7

Honestly, all of your critiques are so in depth and helpful, i love them q3q thank u so much <3
now, before i forget, do you mind if i send another character? I know for sure you've seen this one before at one point, but i wanna know what u think of them. Take your time q3q

thank chu <3

@Rose
Hey thanks for the clarifications! And you're super welcome :) (also thank you haha that's very sweet of you to say)

@Kinarymo
All that sounds good! And thank you so much, you honestly flatter me ^o^
I actually haven't seen Narion before (only seen your art on instagram, what a cutie)! I'd love to take a look, but I'll go ahead and put you at the end of the line for now, and come back to you soon :) Thanks you for your patience.

@"CW-Write Like You're Running Out Of Time" Thank you! Here we go :)
August:

• Great job on the Looks! He sounds so handsome haha
• Good mannerisms too; does he fix people's hair even when he is not very close to them, or even strangers? Does he have a grasp on personal space? And why would he want to appear smaller, is he shy, or self-conscious?
• Great details about his insensitivity: does he ever feel any remorse for hurting others without meaning to, and/or does he try to understand the other person's reaction/side of the story? Has he tried correcting his behavior or being more careful with his words? Good flaws section general, and I can assume a lot of them could be attributed (at least somewhat) to his Aspergers: is he aware of his condition, and I'm curious does he try to learn from his experience and/or does he consider himself a well-adjusted adult? ((I hope none of these questions come off insensitive on my own part, I've researched aspergers/autism but am still lacking in knowledge, and am curious about the self-awareness factor.))
• Another tiny detail that's just my curiosity haha: he's funny unintentionally, but does he ever try to be funny to try and recreate the positive reaction he gets when he is, and if so does it fall flat or actually work in his favor?
• The detail about him loving rom-coms makes me so happy and I can't explain why
• Just, his whole Nature section you went nice and in-depth with.
• "Loosely Buddhist" interesting, do you mean that he dabbles in certain aspects of the practice but not in others, or that he was perhaps raised Buddhist but sort of grew out of it, with some ideals still remaining?
• The politics section makes a lot of sense for his character, since political details get very heated with emotions haha. This did bring up a question that I believe can be explored in his Personality, how does he respond to conflict, especially to people looking for a fight with him? He has a quick wit, does he school them? Or does he withdraw in on himself and try to avoid worsening the situation?
• Favorite Weapon suggests he's either a pacifist, or doesn't have great mastery over weapons. How's he with physical combat?
• big big oof at his parents,,,,, an unfortunate reality for a lot of kids who are diagnosed with developmental disorders. It raises a question of how does he respond to authority, and can he easily recognize someone showing affection?

August is such a good character, I immediately took a liking to him haha, and you did great with detailing him: all my questions are just extra somethings, he's very good already as is. Hope this was at least a bit helpful for you :)

@Oppy
Alice:

• Her scent is very nice and detailed, but I do think a lot of it is stating the obvious, like being sweaty and dirty after exercising, and smelling fresh after taking a shower.
• Great details with her Voice! And most of Looks is good, I like the story with her glasses.
• Wow, very nice and detailed outfits, nothing to say here.
• Good elaboration of her Conditions, but I see that you repeat them in Flaws: I'd hesitate to put her actually conditions/disorders as FLAWS, and instead addressing traits of hers that may be attributed to her anxiety, or her dyslexia, like how you say she's a bit of a sheeple(sherson?). No one has any right to dislike Alice for having anxiety or dyslexia unless they're ableist: a flaw is something that might turn people off and make them unsympathetic to your character. Keeping that in mind, her list of flaws is very short, especially in comparison to the other sections you've filled out, and a character lacking in flaws is,,,, not great.
• Also in Conditions, "During grade school, it was so hard for her that her teachers eventually just let her pass on to the next grades while still trying to teach her the basic of reading and writing." It seems a bit far-fetched that, unless the schooling system she was in was just that terrible, that Alice could keep advancing in the curriculum without actually knowing how to write or read even at the barest minimum. It makes much more sense for to be held back, at least a few times, or to have dropped out altogether, and that itself would make for a much more interesting backstory than "she got super lucky and succeeded in her education despite being born with difficulties and never truly overcoming them, she's just that amazing". The way I'm reading it she's basically cheated the system haha.
• Good mannerisms.
• "After finding out one of her moms was a nobody and the other was dead, Alice mainly focused on becoming a very skilled Witch." What do you mean by "a nobody", and why did this suddenly make Alice lose interest? Other than that, I like her motivation to become an expert in her field: it introduces an ambition that I hadn't picked up on yet.
• I will point out the slight contradiction of her last noted flaw with her shyness and social anxiety and downright fear of people: wouldn't her fear of being judged or starting conflict, overtake her tendency for bluntness? The last point also doesn't really come off as a bad thing to me, necessarily, unless you put a different spin on it, saying perhaps that she's insensitive to delicate situations, which again doesn't seem to line up with her character. In general I would develop the section a bit more, since you're left with only the clumsiness and the insensitivity (the Mana depletion isn't a flaw either, it's a natural reaction to overworking yourself: what would constitute a flaw would be Alice having a tendency to overwork herself, not listening to her body and taking bad care of her health.)
• "Alice usually doesn't show her true feelings, often disguising them as something else" Interesting, what is this "something else"? And how did her social anxiety play into her homelessness, where you have no stability or support or safety and you become someone people pretend is invisible? Where, and with who, does her " smart, witty and analytical" side come out? How long before she begins trusting a person, especially a human: what does it take?
• A small nitpick maybe on my part: you say several times that she's gifted and fluent in two foreign languages, but if she can't read nor write, and her social anxiety makes seeking out strangers harder for her, how did she learn, and who does she practice on??? The only way to orally learn a language is to have someone else transmit it to her, and if that's the case, who taught her?
• I hate to call her a Mary Sue. But as a character, I don't see what she needs to work on, where she can improve, and for someone who's only 24 years old that's incredibly out of the ordinary. In an ensemble cast or standing next to other characters, Alice might be a little bland, simple because she is so close to perfect already. She seems to succeed at everything she does, seems to surpass everything that is put in her way without much difficulty (it seems, to me): where can she improve?? (Other small things that are just cherries in top: she's a descendant of royalty, she's beautiful (in a very Aryan way) but "like, in an effortless, I don't really care that much" way, she smells great, she's a natural at learning spells "but no one knows why, she just is", she' the one who wins these "war games" despite severely lacking in physical combat skills, etc.) This again comes back to her lack of real flaws, and I think if you were to hash that section out more thoroughly, you might have a more compelling character/ development arc.
• I. Okay, I love the vines, and the quotes, I LIVE for character memes <3
• I will say though, in what way exactly is she proving witch stereotypes wrong??
• OH, the first point you make in Notes??? Is literally perfect for the Nature section, and goes so much more in-depth wit her social anxiety and even mentions some possible flaws you could develop, like her being distrusting.

I hope I didn't come off too harsh: Alice is very well-thought-out and marvelously detailed, but she doesn't feel very real to me, simply because she has very little room to improve. Nevertheless I hope this was helpful for you, and good luck!

Invalid Character Take good care of my child.