Please let me critique characters!!! [CLOSED - SORRY!]

All right, @zims, party time!! Top down on Jason…

Nature page is really solid, in a slightly problematic way. Everything works together well because right now, pretty much everything spirals from his PTSD symptoms post-abuse. (The major exception is his prejudice, which is QUITE a good one!) Traits from that experience are expected and very well-developed. I feel like I know part of Jason's core, but… that's it. I know FAR less about his interactions with friends, how he uses his schmoozing abilities, what makes him excited/happy, what makes him sad, etc., etc. He's an MC, so I would expect more of that. Currently, you have a great core and a well-thought-out trauma, but you need more to fill Jason out as a person. Until you get traits that don't spiral from the trauma (they can be AFFECTED by it, and perhaps they will be, but that's not their origin point) I can't really see any contradictions.

(he's agnostic!! like me!)

T H E P I N K P A N T H E R S T R I K E S A G A I N (I care so deeply about the Social page because it gives me little glimpses into the character's personality! I love it! I don't have any real notes, but you're a regular so I feel okay just ranting about how much I care about the Social page.)

I feel bad to only be giving you one critique tonight, but for History, it's the same issue as Nature. Everything flows well because it all comes from the same source. You have to have a couple sources of personality for MCs to make them great. Like, how did he change after Judge left? How did Yale change him? How did he change after realizing his sexuality? Think of different events that could have major impacts on personality and go from there. Once you've done that, I'm sure I can be more helpful!!!!

Again, so so sorry this isn't more varied. But I do promise you I did my best!! And if you'd like to come back for a Round 2 or bring another character, please do!! And as always, I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll fine by me :)

@CinnamonRoll (yis yis yis, if its oki i'd lov to hear some advice qvq i got some anxiety too, but i dont get it how it works XD)

Okay so for Natory - a lot of his personality was based off of Aizawa from My Hero Academia; hes the kind of tired, "done with ur shit" kind of mentor figure who still has a soft interior, one thats just really hard to get to. I'll try to make him more understable in the future, tysm ^^

So… hi. Would anyone please critique Magnus for me? I know I didn't fill everything out. I know it has holes. I like, literally just started this book so my main doesn't have a name and I don't really have a name for the kingdom. Lol deal with it bro. He is my main's older brother.
Here's the link:
notebook.ai/plan/characters/962374
I can take criticism so be however harsh you need to be.

~The awkward new guy

Can you look at Ramona again? Invalid Character

Hey folks!! Time for tonight's round-up…

Tonight I'll be critiquing @ella_grace!!

Tomorrow, it's time for @At_Last_Its_Attean and @Nerdy_Theater_Kid!! @At_Last_Its_Attean - could you please set your character to public? It'll be under the privacy/sharing settings!! It'll have to be public by tomorrow for me to offer a critique. (and of course, welcome to the thread!!)

@Kinarymo - Alas, I don't watch MHA, so I didn't pick up on that! Sorry, that's me and my lack of pop culture knowledge. And as for the anxiety–just remember that there are some things that just DON'T make you anxious. Like when mine was bad, I was scared to raise my hand in math class, but I LOVED giving speeches and presentations. But I hated discussing them afterward, even if my peers were saying good job. Being home alone made me anxious. Shopping without my family around was easy as pie. So I would focus on little discrepancies like that to make it feel a touch more real. And at least for me, I've noticed a lot of anxiety is based on afterthought. So Alphonse might be able to do silly, reckless things in the moment, and laugh about them with friends… but later, when alone, he feels sick to his stomach panicking over the repercussions.

And guys–we now have over 100 people following this thread!! Wow!!!!!

All right, @ella_grace, let's do this!! Top down on Reed…

Nature is generally quite solid. Most of what I'm poking at is an issue of classification and explanation, rather than direct contradiction. First up, let's talk about his flaws and how they conflict with his motivations. So Reed is motivated both by the pursuit of knowledge (or experiences, curiosity, all that) and by his friends. So right off the bat, we need to know where the line is for him. When does knowledge come before friends, and vice versa? That's our first issue of explanation, because that has to be more clear. But with the flaws. Reed is impulsive and insensitive, and he's willing to lie to get new experiences. And reading that in tandem with his primary motive being knowledge/experiences, I see a character who would blow off or even betray his friends in a fit of curious passion. Make sure to clarify this–is Reed the kind of guy who puts his own curiosity above his friends? If so, that's cool! If not, that's cool! But make it clear where the line is for him.

Also, I'm seeing a lot of Reed's more negative and questionable traits shining through here. Snarky, insensitive, liar, indifferent or argumentative, etc., etc. But he has friends he cares about! Remember to add little things to his character sheet that tell us why Reed would attract people to him, and, more importantly, why they would stay. I was attracted to the snarky, cool, indifferent kids when I was younger–but hanging out with them was exhausting because they were ALWAYS like that. Make sure to give Reed a slightly softer side, just so we know that people have a reason to be his friend.

(politics makes perfect sense and BOY OH BOY DO I FEEL THAT)

Backstory is solid so far!! And it fixes a bit of my second note!! There's a LOT here to like about Reed. He's laid-back, outgoing, and kind. I mean, he decided to be friends with a random quiet kid due to shared music taste. He's not afraid to become friends with you, and that's a good thing to expand upon in nature!! Also, be careful with the helicopter parent aspect. Kids with overprotective parents will be good liars, but a lot of the time, they're also anxious and worried that their parents will bust them. Most rebellion comes after they move out, whether to attend college or otherwise. I see this worry briefly touched upon in backstory, but again–expand!!

And lastly, aro/ace!! That's great!! But remember that high school is generally quiet tough for LGBTQIA+ kids. It's a lot of turmoil, wondering if it really IS a phase, wondering if it's okay if it's a phase, wondering if there's something wrong with you, wondering what everyone will think, wondering if you're actually just looking for attention… the list stretches on. Just remember to put some of that turmoil in his personality–he seems generally confident, so I doubt it'll show in his public persona, but it's still VERY important to look into.

And that is all I have for you!! Reed is a well-developed character who's supremely relatable, at least to me. I hope that my notes are helpful to you as he continues to grow!! :DD

Oops. Sorry about that. It should work now.

@CinnamonRoll aaaaa thanks so much! Very helpful, as always.
Ohh, did not think about the Nature stuff. Will think about it now, haha.
I’M GOING TO EXPAND HIS CHARACTER + BACKSTORY, I PROMISE XD. And with the whole aro/ace thing, I was just getting to that part-
I might come back for just a backstory critique, since his character is more developed than Victoria’s was, and because I have A LOT planned for him.
Also, I’m glad you find him relatable! And thanks again, these critiques seriously motivate me to improve my characters! :)

@CinnamonRoll ayoo, noted :D Now that i read, i realize that's what i have as well :"D Legit same symptoms, word for word. Tysm ^^

Also, um, i dont rlly remember sending Mahiru to u? :"D i've a goldfish memory so srry y-y

Hi everyone!!! A touch later than usual, but let's round up for tonight!!

Tonight's critiques are for @At_Last_Its_Attean (thanks for fixing that link!) and @Nerdy_Theater_Kid!

Tomorrow, I'll critique @Kinarymo and @Fangirl616 (welcome to the thread!!)

@Tired-but-passionate - Very glad you enjoyed!!! And I'm glad we're catching the same things (like the aro/ace bit)–you know what's up already! I'd love to see you back for a backstory critique if you choose to drop by for one! :DD

@Kinarymo - Anxiety's weird like that, man. Critiquing anxiety is SO HARD, because you have to try and decipher which contradictions are anxiety-based, and which are just mistakes. I would focus on explanations and you should be fine!!! And same symptoms?? That's crazy!! (lmao catch me bonding with a thread regular over an actual mental illness. oof)

Okay, @At_Last_Its_Attean, here we go!! Top down on Magnus…

As a brief note–you mentioned that you didn't fill in all the fields, so I'll try not to make too much of this based off of "You should fill this in!!" but some of that WILL come up mixed in with contradiction notes.

Okay! I have to retract that previous statement a bit and offer a new one. I will do my VERY best to critique here, but there's almost nothing for me to look at. For a full critique, I need to see all facets of the character in order to notice contradiction. Of what you have here, I only see positives and neutrals–protective, loves his kingdom, reserved, etc. What you really need are Magnus's negatives. Think deep on his flaws and prejudices, the darker halves of his personality. To avoid contradiction, try to make these arise from his core traits (those you have listed). He left the throne for his kingdom, he's a protector–so maybe he struggles with self-esteem, thinking he's not good enough. Once you have more of that established, I can offer more help.

What you have under politics presents a bit of an interesting issue. Magnus is described as a protector, debatably self-sacrificial, given how he left the throne. But in deferring to his brother, he assumes a more submissive nature, which can easily contradict his protective nature if not properly explained. A protector would struggle a LOT with orders from the person they serve which seem to contradict their goal of protection. (that was one hell of a sentence, so I hope it makes sense???) You need to explain where Magnus draws the line between deferring to his brother and overriding his orders to protect him.

Also, what you have there isn't quite politics. I find politics to be an immensely important category. I try to rank all of my characters on a scale of liberal-to-conservative, whatever that means in your world. This works for even the most apolitical of characters and works as a vehicle to define how open the character is to change!

I'd also really recommend you fill in religion. A lot of people neglect it, which is a shame! I find religion is an excellent tool to define a character's worldview. Characters who value traditionalism, structure, and (depending on their maliciousness) good appearances will tend towards organized faiths. Those more opposed to that sort of thing will go for atheism (for more nihilistic characters) or agnosticism (for more hopeful characters). It's WILDLY fun to explore.

Backstory has good bones, but similar to Nature, it's sparse. Right now, there aren't a ton of traits I know to root in backstory. (In time, pay extra attention to flaws, motives, and prejudices in backstory!) What I really think you need right now is more explanation for those five years where he was gone. Were people looking for him? How did he avoid them at 12? Where/how did he learn his fighting skills? How did he gain the qualifications to act as personal bodyguard to the king? Does his family recognize him when he returns? Stuff like that!

And I'm afraid that's all I can offer you. Magnus has a strong foundation and an excellent story premise to exist in, but he needs more detail to fully grow. If and when you fill out his character sheet more, please come back for a round two!! I'd be happy to look him over again. But until then, I hope that my notes are helpful to you!! :DD

All right, @Nerdy_Theater_Kid, let's do this!! Top down on Ramona…

I'll admit I don't remember much from my initial critique, nor do I have the mental constitution to comb through 15 pages of over 350 posts on this thread to find it. (which is a CRAZY AMOUNT) So if I sound redundant, my apologies!!

Nature sheet is generally very solid!! However, I notice a problem that I've been seeing more and more with characters as I become attuned to the issue. Most of Ramona's personality spirals off of one trait: rebellion against the nobles/authority. Her four most developed fields (motives/mannerisms/flaws/prejudices) ALL stem from that trait. As an MC, this kind of boils Ramona down to 'rebel child.' And clearly, she's so much more than that. She wants to lead the army–does she study strategy? Does she like war tactics? Does she sneak away and train alongside the soldiers in the shadows, just out of sight? And she cares deeply about her friends–how does she act around them? Is she calmer, or just a more fun kind of wild? How does she look when comfortable?

Having everything branch from one traits is dangerous for an MC. It can lead to flat characters, so I'd really, REALLY encourage you to explore other sides of Ramona that don't have a basis in her desire to rebel against authority!! Obviously try not to make them clash horribly, but traits from different origin points can still work together very well.

Also, you mention these complicated feelings about being in charge–I think you need to expand on that a LOT. From what I'm reading, Ramona's in danger of developing a bit of a blindspot in her hatred of authority/royals. Obviously, it's herself. In despising the royals, and knowing that she will soon lead them all, Ramona is CRAZY in danger or developing a bit of a superiority issue. I mean, she can do better, right? When she's in charge, everyone will see what they did wrong, what they did to people. They'll have to listen to her. In case you can't tell, if that's not checked by friends or emotional turmoil/strength, Ramona WILL go to tyranny. Might be a tyranny that's good for the common folk–that could be cool to explore!! Squashing the nobles for the sake of the poor. But that's tyranny nonetheless. I'm not saying, "Ah, she will inevitably become a tyrant," but rather, "Without further explanation here, it really looks like she'll become a tyrant."

Backstory is solid, if a touch sparse. I like the Artemis work-around! But unfortunately, I'm not seeing a ton of explanations for why Ramona hates the royals so much. I know they were grooming her to be a proper lady, but if they were doing that in a kind way, where's the negativity coming from? I would go deeper into the actual conditions. Plus, there are things here that I didn't see making a big impact on her personality–outdoorsy, reader. I feel like they were mentioned in hobbies, which is fine, but I would encourage you to give smaller traits like this a bigger impact on her personality type and flaws to balance out that spiral of rebellious traits.

(also, Azalea's Dolls is my happy place)

And that, my dear, is all I have for you!! Again, terribly sorry if I repeated my previous notes. But I hope these new ones are helpful to you and your journey of character development! :DD

All right, @Nerdy_Theater_Kid, let's do this!! Top down on Ramona…

I'll admit I don't remember much from my initial critique, nor do I have the mental constitution to comb through 15 pages of over 350 posts on this thread to find it. (which is a CRAZY AMOUNT) So if I sound redundant, my apologies!!

Nature sheet is generally very solid!! However, I notice a problem that I've been seeing more and more with characters as I become attuned to the issue. Most of Ramona's personality spirals off of one trait: rebellion against the nobles/authority. Her four most developed fields (motives/mannerisms/flaws/prejudices) ALL stem from that trait. As an MC, this kind of boils Ramona down to 'rebel child.' And clearly, she's so much more than that. She wants to lead the army–does she study strategy? Does she like war tactics? Does she sneak away and train alongside the soldiers in the shadows, just out of sight? And she cares deeply about her friends–how does she act around them? Is she calmer, or just a more fun kind of wild? How does she look when comfortable?

Having everything branch from one traits is dangerous for an MC. It can lead to flat characters, so I'd really, REALLY encourage you to explore other sides of Ramona that don't have a basis in her desire to rebel against authority!! Obviously try not to make them clash horribly, but traits from different origin points can still work together very well.

Also, you mention these complicated feelings about being in charge–I think you need to expand on that a LOT. From what I'm reading, Ramona's in danger of developing a bit of a blindspot in her hatred of authority/royals. Obviously, it's herself. In despising the royals, and knowing that she will soon lead them all, Ramona is CRAZY in danger or developing a bit of a superiority issue. I mean, she can do better, right? When she's in charge, everyone will see what they did wrong, what they did to people. They'll have to listen to her. In case you can't tell, if that's not checked by friends or emotional turmoil/strength, Ramona WILL go to tyranny. Might be a tyranny that's good for the common folk–that could be cool to explore!! Squashing the nobles for the sake of the poor. But that's tyranny nonetheless. I'm not saying, "Ah, she will inevitably become a tyrant," but rather, "Without further explanation here, it really looks like she'll become a tyrant."

Backstory is solid, if a touch sparse. I like the Artemis work-around! But unfortunately, I'm not seeing a ton of explanations for why Ramona hates the royals so much. I know they were grooming her to be a proper lady, but if they were doing that in a kind way, where's the negativity coming from? I would go deeper into the actual conditions. Plus, there are things here that I didn't see making a big impact on her personality–outdoorsy, reader. I feel like they were mentioned in hobbies, which is fine, but I would encourage you to give smaller traits like this a bigger impact on her personality type and flaws to balance out that spiral of rebellious traits.

(also, Azalea's Dolls is my happy place)

And that, my dear, is all I have for you!! Again, terribly sorry if I repeated my previous notes. But I hope these new ones are helpful to you and your journey of character development! :DD

Thank you! I will expand on her traits more, but I think her maybe becoming a tyrant could be something good for her to work against, because she is hypocritical in her desire to be in charge. I think most of her hatred of the royals is just from how much she likes the commoners she knows and they feel distrustful of them, but I'll work on it.

Hi everyone!! Round-up time!!

Tonight's critiques are for @Kinarymo and @Fangirl616!!

Tomorrow, I'll critique @tiredandconfused!

@Nerdy_Theater_Kid - Very glad you enjoyed!!! Nothing wrong with her hatred of the royals (they sound kind of mean, ngl) but all I mean is make sure there are other origin points for traits! And I feel SO redundant every time I say this, but I really am glad you appreciate my notes! :DD

All right, @Kinarymo, party time!! Top down on Mahiru!!

(AT LONG LAST THE MAIN ANTAGONIST. YES. in case you can't tell, you're such a regular that I'm far too invested in this story and these characters)

(oh! you're turning 19 in three days??? happy birthday man!!! <3)

So! First issue I encounter is with this idea of 100% loyalty. Everything about Mahiru SCREAMS dominant personality. Cool, calm, collected, controls her emotions, clearly invested in her creations. And under her motivations, there is a hint that she wants to regain her old power, something that I assume is impossible under the thumb of a monarch. So far, I see no indication that this loyalty is an act or a means to an end, which strikes me as confusing.

Next up, I find myself confused over her fixation on her goals. On one hand, she's caused destruction and harm to achieve her goals (am I correct in gleaning that she caused an ACTUAL GENOCIDE). But on the other hand, she controls her emotions and plays the long game under the thumb of some leader. Those are two very clashing ways to achieve one's goals. You could make them coexist with explanation–like, she can only wait so long before losing grip on the long game and turning to wildness. Or she was reckless in pursuit of revenge, but has since dropped that.

Also, I'm a touch confused as to how someone who pushed away all their friends with HEINOUS CRIMES and ACTUAL MURDER can be afraid of loneliness. She wanted the people close to her gone. There's no one left–I popped forward to associations and she has no friends. This one could also work, but only with a deep dive into Mahiru's psychology–which I would LOVE TO READ, by the way. Just. you know. in case.

Backstory is SOLID. Also, the thing with '100% loyalty' is… kind of explained? I would still like to see more, but it makes a bit more sense now. One note. When you say that the guilty ones had paid… how is that? At this point, what is Mahiru getting revenge for–her betrayal by the jealous deities or her defeat at the hands of [cool green eyes Morphidae lad]? If it's the second, great! Makes sense. Kill the whole species. But if it's the first… how do the gods suffer from her choice to wipe out the Morphidae? I doubt they LIKE it, but how does that solidify her revenge?

And that is all I have for you tonight!! Wonderful character as always!! Always feel free to come back, and per the usual, I hope these notes are helpful!! :DD

All right, @Fangirl616, here we go!! Top down on Zenith!!

Oh dear. This is a very solid character. I'm REALLY struggling to find any notes here, so this may be a sparse critique. Very nice job!! I'll do my best to nitpick!

Like I said, VERY small notes here. The first one is an issue in backstory. I understand that a lot of this is based in whump (believe me, I do the same thing) but there are certain things that don't make sense. NOBODY saw this guy, who's shaped like a person, talks like a person, and probably screams like a person, as human? There wasn't a single compassionate scientist in the bunch who was begging the others to use some kind of pain medication? This doesn't need to cancel out any of the prejudice against scientists, nor will it lessen the whump–actually, I find that the raw nature of emotional bonds formed through whump with little actual interaction is GLORIOUS and can deepen the tragedy.

Next up is the self-harm. Now, I am by no means familiar with depression and self-harm, especially not how it relates with PTSD. So if you read this one and decide I have no idea what I'm talking about, please feel free to disregard!! The issue I have with self-harm here is how it could conflict with PTSD triggers. A lot of Zenith's PTSD seems to be medical–strapped to a table, scalpels, the whole thing. With that imagery of scientists slicing into him, how does self-harm not act as a trigger? Right now, I'm confused, but it could be explained–an act of reclamation, perhaps?

Also, before I go, let's talk about his friends. I know that you said on the inside, Zenith is kind and soft, so his friends will want to stay with him. But on the outside, he acts like a prickly asshole. So why do people want to befriend him? What is it about Zenith that makes people WANT to be his friend?

And that is all I have!! Like I said, Zenith is very well-developed, so I'm sorry I couldn't offer more! But in any case, I hope these notes are helpful in some way!! :DDD

@CinnamonRoll ayaaa, i cant express just how glad i am to know you like my characters so much ;-; <3 it means so much to me.
(i updated that name like 3 days ago, so today's the day xd but ty ^^ <3)

Okay so, to be fair, Mahiru is the one character i have most trouble with, from all points of view. I cant stress enough how long it took me to even find something that would let her get out of the "evil for the sake of evil" category even just for a little bit. Even her backstory is not 100% original, its something i found somewhere else and applied it to her hoping it would create a starting point for her to develop something that would fit better. She's the main villain, and one i intend to make audiences care for, but also fear at the same time. If you've read Heaven's Official Blessing, that's the kind of villain im going for - but me and making villains dont really seem to get along :"))

Her loyalty thing was kinda meant to go something like "okay, i dont mind serving this dude as long as he doesnt get involved in something that goes directly against my plans" which is usually the case, because no human king would be able to interfere with her quest (we're talking divine power here). Besides that, she kinda twisted some bolts and screws here and there to focus most of the king's power into her own hand to ensure she would not have issues in the future - the king is more of a puppet at this point. Also, the 'bad' things are kept underground where no one can find them unless actively looking for them - just searching would be hard enough given shes erased most of it, but if one does happen to find any leads, shes swift enough to eliminate any potential threat of exposing her, and she will find ways to cover it up seamlessly.

Im thinking of making her calm down after taking her revenge, so she's cool with working under a monarch cuz it offers her the power to do her things without issue. Now she just needs to make sure no information on her slips out.

Again, she wasnt in a very good place mentally when she did the things she did, so its a case of "shit, i revealed the most evil side of me to everyone, they're gonna hate me now - gotta fix this". I've encountered cases in real life of people who slaughtered everyone close to them out of fear they would be hated for not being the one everyone thought they were. Here's some cases like this. (Thomas Bartlett Whitaker and Jean Claude Romand are very close to what i had in mind). Basically, Mahiru could not live with the idea of people knowing what she'd done, so she just wiped everything and started over - not like she had that many friends left anyway. Of course, not having anyone to rely on anymore did affect her, but she just surrounded herself with new people.

As for revenge, her main target were those who wronged her. Deities in this world arent exactly gods, more like powerful spiritual officials that take care of various stuff and can be replaced. The ones with a bigger role are the Great Spirits, who are like the top 5 most powerful of all spirits (Mahiru once held this title as well but lost it after going berserk and maybe even killing one of her fellow colleagues. Current Great Spirits would include Hanami and the Oracle, who got her spot for being the walking information dispenser she is).
Currently, Morphidae are the only ones still able to call her out but their numbers have been thinned out enough that shes confident enough that she can keep them under control. I did mention she found a way to turn those guys into creatures that serve her, thats why periodically she snatches a few to see what new version of her demon weapons she could make (so far Rin is the best version) but the rate at which she's picking them is often enough for their numbers to decrease steadily, given their birth rate can't keep up with the losses - and you know experimenting is all about trial and error, so you realize she messed up plenty of times before she got things right. She officially carried it too far when she went for the Morphidae prince, fearing he might be capable of taking her on because of his mixed heritage (he has the potential to reach the same level as Hanami and kick her ass for good).
As for the Great Spirits, i havent really thought why they dont just smite her from where they stand - maybe because she is technically on the same level as them and fighting her would make a huge mess. They're not ok with her actions, no, but they dont directly interfere with her either (cant say if its because rules, not wanting to get mixed up in the mess or just not knowing what shes doing because she's so very secretive and careful with her planning.) So far, Hanami is the only one who is taking some form of action against her, through influencing events so her damage is minimized, but im telling you, if she ever pushes him over the limit (which is pretty far giving he's a Morphidae and they have a crap ton of patience with shit like this) he will not hesitate to show up and fight her then and there.

Hoooo boi, this got long :"D Mahiru is one character i would really like to talk about, given she's a villain and i would like to develop her to the extent she feels real and valid - most of the story revolves around her, so i consider her very important and try to give her as much solidity as possible. Any ideas are welcome, really <3 The notes were really helpful, really gave me a few questions to wonder about regarding her, thank you so much yvy <3 ^^ perhaps you might be able to help me develop her further? only if you want :"D

Will you look at Mysteise?: Invalid Character
I'm very different than her so she's kind of hard for me to write about right now.

Would you mind taking a look at Maggie when you get the chance?

Hello, everyone!! Here we go, rounding up for tonight…

Tonight, I'll be critiquing @tiredandconfused!!

Tomorrow, it's time for @Nerdy_Theater_Kid and @/ Rory!

@Kinarymo - well happy birthday man!!! Long-game loyalty definitely makes more sense there. I understand the idea behind Morphidae massacre better now, but the revenge-against-the deities components still eludes me. And I would ADORE helping you with in-depth development here!! I have a bad habit of overdeveloping my villains to the point where my MCs look like set pieces, so this is my wheelhouse. I'll be down to respond if you ever want to message me privately!! (just so we don't clog up the thread here if that's okay with you!!)

@Fangirl616 - glad you enjoyed!!! I'm happy I gave you something to think about, even in the midst of such a wonderfully developed character.

All right, @tiredandconfused, time to go top down on - {buffering} - Yllmadaya!!

(it's actually not hard to spell/remember at all, don't worry!!! the first glance just gave me whiplash)

First up, I see a tiny little contradiction: Yllmadaya is both reserved and boastful. Quiet confidence is fine, but boastfulness hints at an element of showmanship that seems absent in Yllmadaya.

And since she's clearly well-developed, this is a bit of a nitpick, but I want to go deeper into her confidence here. She's confident, sure, but it seems like she takes every avenue to reaffirm that–vanity, bragging, etc. She can't even handle criticism due to her ego. Those put together beg the question: is her ego fragile? She needs validation, even from herself, and struggled under criticism. Reading that, I feel like her confidence is more of a front. But given that she's ancient and powerful, how does that gel?

I'm just wondering here–why does Yllmadaya want to live secluded in a forest for her immortal life? I understand that she's pretty grounded, but she's also not really a nice person, who likes messing with people's lives for fun. She's also described as ambitious. How and WHY did she decide "retail in the woods" was how she wanted to spend her life?

Also, um, I just now realized she's a protagonist. Full disclosure: she reads more line an antagonist or some one in the grey area. NOT a bad thing, just something to keep in mind!

Backstory is AWESOME and answers my previous question to some extent! I only have one note, and it's a small one. Why was the Coven of LIFE so against immortality? I get that it had been tried and failed, but if two people could piece it together, how had no one done so before? Was there no one working on it? It's just a touch confusing.

And that, my dear, is all I have for you!! As always, a beautifully developed character–come back around any time!! I hope that these notes are helpful to you!! :DDD

please critique my main character!!! i need as much help as i can get!

thanks!

please critique my main character!!! i need as much help as i can get!

thanks!

@CinnamonRoll yis yis, i was thinking DMs too :D
thank u <3