Please let me critique characters!!! [CLOSED - SORRY!]

Okay, @Atlanta_Art, it's party time! Top down on Cali…

So I rarely critique looks, because it's honestly the least important part of a character, but I have to tell you that I'm having a hard time picturing Cali. Not a big deal, but I would try to flesh out this field a bit more!

Nature–the most important part! I'll be honest with you, I can't critique Cali that well with what you have here. This is a skeleton of a character sheet. If you fill it out more, I'd encourage you to come back at let me look over Cali again. But for now, I can see one glaring issue. Cali is a happy person, so happy that it becomes annoying at times. But at the same time, her motivation is happiness–something that she already has enough of. So did something happen to threaten her happiness? Does she crave stability in her happiness? If she's achieved her motivation, the story is flat. Consider adding different motivations or adding nuance to the one you currently have. Also, LITERALLY NO ONE has no prejudices. We all have some kind of ingrained bias. Due to Cali's upbringing, she may have biases she barely even realizes. It's just not realistic to suggest that she has no prejudices.

Religion–you say she doesn't practice. When I see this in character sheets, I generally ask for a clarification: is your character atheistic or agnostic? If you don't know the difference, I would read up on the distinction a little!

Politics–I always get sad when character sheets just say "none." I find it helpful to rate my characters on a scale of liberal to conservative, based on how they feel about things like LGBTQ issues, taxes, imperialism, etc., etc. It adds a layer of depth to the character–thought processes beyond simple personality.

History is the second-most important part of a character sheet, but I see NOTHING of relevance here. This doesn't tell me anything about why she's so happy, how she became a sprinkle, anything. I'm sorry, but I can't really help you out with this level of backstory. Please, please come back when you have a more in-depth backstory transcribed, because I'd love to help you out!

I'm sorry I couldn't do any more, but I hope that what I've given you here helps you a bit!! :DDD

@salami011 - I'm so glad I was harsh enough!! He definitely is a good character, and I hope I helped you make him even better! <3

@Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull!!! Welcome back!! I'm hoping for some absolute WALLS of text on Cello's sheet. Here we go, top down…

Before I start, can we TALK about those TITLES?? Let me tell you, I still can't make a title to save my damn life, and your are stunningly beautiful. Well! Done!

Your discussion of the type of people he likes is interesting. I don't have anything to connect it to yet, but I'm curious to see how it connects to his nature and backstory.

I feel like I said this same thing for Dakota–weight is important! Currently, Cello is in a strange position where he's a military man, but still rather thin. For both of these to be true, he's probably solid muscle, just with less definition. That means he's not light at all–he'd be average or even a little high. If he were light, that would also make sense, because ranking up in the military may have meant more desk work for him. But if that's true, you'll have to compromise on his strength.

Okay! I actually read through everything and took down some notes, since I figured that would be easier than constantly switching screens. So, number one: the narcissist issue.

I don't know how else to put it: you have written a narcissistic character. You say that he's not a narcissist, but everything points that way–the desire for devoted followers, the supposed intellectual superiority, the manipulative and destructive relationships. Honestly, I have no idea why you felt the need to put "He's not a narcissist" as a disclaimer. Because he is! And that's okay! And Cello can still be a lot more than 'narcissist villain' even if that label is there. He's already so much more–but he's already a narcissist, too. And I feel like that's important to recognize.

Next, let's get into some little inconsistencies. For starts, you have a VERY well-made character here, so I really had to nitpick to find some issues. I knew that the types of people he likes/loves would connect! Here we go. Having read through Cello's nature, I literally cannot fathom how he can love intelligent and less-than intelligent people in the same capacity. He literally believes everyone is below him, so how could he really love someone less intelligent? His manipulative tendencies would creep in to a relationship that unbalanced, and unless his significant other is an emotional TANK, the relationship would just crumble. Plus, there's always the question of, "Why bother?" Why exactly would Cello date someone so far below him, if he could just control them as a follower instead? You said that he prefers these people because they're better emotionally, but at least for me, that only partially rectifies the issue. Now I'm not saying it's impossible for a relationship like that to work, just that you have to address these questions if you choose to write such a relationship.

And as for the love of people who are intelligent and on/near his level–how would he process that? How would he be able to move past his superiority complex and accept that someone is on the same level as him? I could understand how mutual respect would give birth to a relationship, but where does that respect begin?

Easy forgiveness is both in and out of character. On one hand, he's been devastated by people leaving him, and therefore would want anyone who messed up back. But on the other hand, he thinks he's above everyone, so why would he be willing to forgive anyone? I mean, if they went against him, they're clearly fundamentally wrong. I think this is a good place to start building an emotional duality for Cello. Make a clear distinction: he'll never forgive people he isn't close to, but once you're in the fold, he'll forgive you immediately just to get you back. Some level of emotional vulnerability could also help when you try to fix up the relationships question.

Plus, this could give Cello what he so desperately needs: a WEAKNESS. He's got flaws, sure, but no real exposed vulnerabilities. Playing on this idea that Cello is emotionally starved is the perfect weakness. He can easily hide it during times of conflict, and sometimes it's not even on his mind. But it's still there.

I feel like you may have been hinting at that when you said he was "sad and lonely." (maybe?) If not, you need to develop that way more, because right now, saying Cello is "sad and lonely" just feels like it was tacked on as an afterthought. It's jarringly out of place with the rest of his character. But to paint him as emotionally starved makes sense. It gives him sadness and loneliness, but it also makes sense in character. He's up on a pedestal, but there's only enough room up there for one, you know?

This is getting MAD long, and it's only going to get LONGER! You say that Cello is fearless–that makes no sense. He's clearly got an issue with people leaving. He might not be afraid of anything else (can you say GOD COMPLEX) and that''s fine, but make it clear!

Also, you say he doesn't care what others think of him, but he very, very clearly does. I mean, his whole personality in close relationships is designed around masks that are perfectly designed to please the other person. Again, duality: he doesn't care a bit what his subordinates think of him, probably even what his peers think, but he does care what those he loves think of him–maybe a little too much. Why else would he feel the need to tailor his personality around them so much?

PAPER AIRPLANES

I'm WHEEZING

Okay, so he was ranked below general for a LONG time, yet still managed to control everything. That kind of doesn't make sense, especially considering the ungreasable cogs of military bureaucracy. If it makes sense in your timeline, go off–but remember, there will be times when he's stifled by his superiors.

AN IRISH MAN

AN I R I S H MAN

allergic to POTATOES????

I love it. And I'll leave it at that, because I've already written WAY too much. Hopefully some small part of this is helpful to you, and I can honestly say that Cello is an outstanding character. I'd definitely fall in love with him, even though my sister would tell me he's a terrible person (he's SO not). You've done excellent work already, and I hope in some little way I can make it even better!! :DDDD

@Relsey - that last one got really long, and it's movie night for me, so break time! Don't worry though, I'll get Azizia done tonight. <3

@JuniperDreams - I'm not too busy at all! I just logged back on to critique @Relsey 's character. I like to take breaks inbetween critiques so I don't short-change anyone, but I'll get yours done tonight as well! :DD

Okay, @Relsey, let's do this! Top down on the lovely Azizia…

First of all, beautiful name! It's unconventional without being unpronounceable. Really nice job there!

I don't tend to critique on looks, but I will warn you, Azizia seems a bit light for her height and level of athleticism. 115 puts her on the low end for someone 5'4", but with her visible muscle and extensive skill, she should be on the average or higher side. It doesn't seem like a huge deal, but knowing your character's relative weights is VERY helpful when writing fight scenes.

(Also, quick note–there are a lot of spelling errors on this character sheet. That's absolutely not my business to critique, but I just want you to be aware of that when you start writing! Google Docs has pretty solid spell checking, and Grammarly is also a helpful extension. :D)

Nature is virtually perfect. Nothing is blatantly out of place, and most of her traits seem naturally arising. However, I worry that you're not delving deep enough into Azizia's character. You say that she's a good leader, but also a micromanager–you'd think those traits go together, but they don't really. To be a successful leader, you have to be able to delegate and release some control. If she can't do that, Azizia will stretch herself too thin and burn out. But I'm not seeing any of that in her sheet. She reads like a slightly undeveloped side character. Maybe that's okay, since she's the mentor figure. But to have a truly successful mentor, you have to have a character who's learned from her mistakes. Right now, her flaws don't fit with her overall characterization. That could be helpful as one of those 'past mistakes–' how she learned to move past trust issues. If that's not the angle you want to take, know that realistically, that flaw would be a major hindrance for a leader.

Okay, let's talk about this backstory. It's perfectly fine, but it's missing a lot. This doesn't explain a lot of her personality: why does she think humans are lesser beings? Was she trained to be a powerful leader, or was she naturally gifted? How did her trust issues develop? Why did she start micromanaging? What birthed her fear of being trapped? Like I said, her personality is generally solid, but there's nothing here to anchor it. I don't know why Azizia is Azizia after reading this, and I really should.

Another issue is the timeline. If she met Eyamir when she was 12, does that mean that she had to kill her own brother before that time? Let me tell you: there is absolutely NO WAY that a 10 or 11-year-old child could kill her brother and than essentially be fine. Sure, she was traumatized, but it looks like she just threw herself into combat training–at, like, AGE 11. That makes no sense, I'm sorry. I would strongly recommend aging her up. Remember, people can still be strongly impacted by traumatic events when they get older.

The age presents another problem: at this age, Azizia can't be a fulfilling mentor figure. A mentor figure must have enough experience throughout their life to offer wise guidance. The only way Azizia could get that level of wisdom is if you jam-pack her life with tragedy and failure, but that would make her MUCH less stable as a character. Now, if you play on the big sister angle more, the age makes more sense, but you still have to think about what I said in the above paragraph.

Anyway! I sincerely hope I wasn't too harsh. I had to nit-pick a bit, since her personality is really quite smooth! Let me know if you have any questions or want me to look over an updated version of Azizia. Until then, I hope I helped!! :DDD

@CinnamonRoll Thank you for your critiques! I hadn't really though about where her Micro managing comes from I'll have to work that into her background. I would age her up but part of her arc later deals with her age. I didn't include every thing I should have in her background, some of whitch included the reasoning behind some of things you talked about. I actually have two different character sheets for Azizia one when she is 19 and one when she is 14 ish. I'm still tweeking dates and ages but for the most part her family needs to be out of the picture reletivly early in order for a big part of her arc to work.
Actually if you wouldn't mind, would it be pausible for me to post both and have you see if the evolution of her character makes sense?
(Sorry, my spelling is really bad, It was incredibly late when I typed out her character and I haven't edited sense then, It's something I'm working at)

Okay, @JuniperDreams, let's do this! Top down on Vash…

This is crazy, but I actually have a character named Seraphine as well! But that's not relevant–this critique is!

Quick question on looks. You describe Vash with facial hair, but he was born in a woman's body. In a fantasy world, how does that work? I would add that explanation, just to alleviate confusion and promote realism.

The nature page makes Vash sound like a fun character, but there are a couple big holes. First, I can't help but notice that you neglected the 'prejudices' section. All characters have some kind of ingrained prejudice. Considering that Vash was raised in a royal family, he would logically have ingrained views of certain other nations. Also, since he's a transgender man, I feel like Vash would have strong opinions against the fantasy-world-transphobes, if they exist (and, logically, they absolutely should. If only so you can stomp on the fantasy transphobes). The more major issue comes in with his flaws. These flaws make sense for certain parts of his character (like his intellectual nature and his outward projection of confidence) they don't line up with other parts of his character AT ALL. You describe Vash as a diplomat who is in charge of welcoming foreign guests and planning major events. To do that, he simply can't be a dismissive person who dominates conversations and comes off as combative. A person like that wouldn't be tasked with diplomacy. You either have to rework his flaws or scrap the diplomatic side to his character.

For religion, when people say none, I always ask for a clarification: atheistic (there is no god) or agnostic (there may be a god, but this character doesn't actively worship or participate in organized religion). It helps define a character's worldview as more nihilistic or more hopeful. And then for politics, I'd be interested in hearing more about Vash's moral code! Not all of it, of course, but it certainly could be helpful to spell out some of the black-and-white areas.

Backstory is great! I like learning about Vash's relationships with his siblings. Also, HUGE shout-out to his parents from moving from "Chill but confused" to "You're our new eldest son, so you're head of the Guard now." (Really sad circumstances, but still, progressive!) However, I have a major complaint about this backstory. It doesn't fully explain your character's personality. Actually, I find myself left with additional questions. Since Vash is in a position that isn't his strong suit due to a horrible tragedy, how does he manage to be upbeat and enthusiastic? How did he develop his intellectual/debater nature? And how (perhaps more importantly, why) did he end up as a major diplomatic force? How does that work with his other position as head of the Guard? I would really like to see Vash's backstory fleshed out to actually explain who he is and how he became that person.

Overall, though, he's a lovely character! (And trans representation in fantasy is IMPORTANT!) I tend to nit-pick a lot with these, so I really hope I wasn't too harsh. I hope that my feedback helps you out!!! :DDD

@Relsey - Yes, absolutely!!! Making multiple sheets for a character is actually brilliant, and I'd love to see them side-by-side! :D

Oh, and the spelling isn't a big deal in the great age of spell check!! I just wanted to make sure you were aware. <3

@JuniperDreams - Thank you!!!! I"m so glad you liked it!!! And I totally understand the paper-first route. I try to keep that in mind most of the time, but I guess I went off on prejudices a little–sorry! And feel free to drop any other characters you'd like looked at in here. In case you can't tell, I really enjoy this!! (I might drop some of mine in your new thread as well!) :DD

@Alastor_Radio_Demon - don't apologize for being back! I'm glad to have you! I'd love, love, love to see your next character, but they're still set to private! Make sure the link is public and I'll check them out! :DD

@Alastor_Radio_Demon and so he is! Here we go, top down…

Okay, just like last time, weight was like a bucket of ice water–but this time it's because I was fully expecting a big cat or similarly animal-based character.

Two seconds later: after a quick foray into Google Images, I have learned that a kudu is, in fact, an animal, and that I am reeling more than before. But anyway, I have a real critique to write here!

Okay, let's delve into Beleth's personality a little bit. Before I begin, I must warn you: I do not have personal experience with depression, nor have I had to spend significant time researching how to successfully write depressed characters. So if I offend you in any way, I would like to preemptively apologize. And if Beleth is in any way based on your own experiences, I'd like to remind you that I, for one, certainly value your presence on my thread and would miss it if you were to leave.

Mannerisms are quite dark. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but I would encourage you to add some more casual mannerisms into the mix. You later describe Beleth as charismatic and charming around people–explain his little quirks! Does he act flirtatiously? Smile slowly while speaking? Laugh at even the worst jokes? And day-to-day things–does he scuff his feet when walking? Tap them? Try to think of some more average mannerisms to balance out the extreme. (also, does he just have a gun on him at all times?)

You say that he chooses life again and again due to the song Don't Stop Believin' (an anthem, no doubt). But I have to ask–what exactly is he believing in? He's an atheist, he doesn't support the prime minister, and I see no evidence of friends or lovers. His bandmates aren't even described in detail. I love the idea of Beleth staying strong and holding onto belief, but make sure you give him something to believe IN.

With his extroverted nature, I would assume that Beleth has made many friends, but none are linked or described. If there are relationships that you know about in your head, I would encourage you to write them down. However, if not, I have to ask why. What is the driving force behind Beleth pushing people away? Is it his suicidal tendencies, or something else entirely? Personally, I would go for something else, for reasons that I'll explain at the end.

(Who let him have a gun ON STAGE? Don't they not allow those into concerts? Also, I'm begging you to give this man a good therapist, because he has a nice dog and I want him to live)

Serious question: Why on earth is his favorite color beige? I feel like that needs explanation.

His hatred of violence is a good way, I think, for any future characters to connect to him. If he tells them he hates violence and killing because, say, it robs a family of a loved one, this other character could remind Beleth that he has people who love him, too. Obviously it's not a cure-all, but it could be a touching angle to play on.

Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE. A ten-year-old just… committed mass murder??? I feel like that is NOT explained enough at ALL. At ten, I barely grasped the concept of death in totality. And much more importantly, how did no one STOP him? This is a child we're talking about. And then they just executed a 12-year-old?? Look, if this makes sense in your universe, that's great. But from what you have here, it doesn't make sense to me. If this is truly all you have, I'd encourage you to work on deepening the explanations.

More importantly, his disgust at violence and death makes less sense when paired with such a backstory. Is it something that developed after his rebirth, as he looked back at his old life with new eyes? If so, note that!

Also, this backstory is lacking in that it doesn't give an origin point for his suicidal thoughts. Was his refusal of rehabilitation his first attempt at suicide? Was it after he was reborn and regretted his old life? Was it a genetic or natural depression that he'd struggled with, even at the age of ten? Since you've made his suicidal tendencies a large part of his character, nailing down that origin point is key.

And here's my last note. While I fully recognize that depression and suicidal thoughts can devour a person and become a huge part of they personality, be careful that you don't make Beleth a poster child for depression. Remember to round him out as a character! I can see you doing that with details about his pet, his extroverted personality, his procrastination, and his political views. I just think that you need to go deeper and explore who Beleth was before that origin point sparked his suicidal thoughts. Once you have that, you can analyze how his depression altered his existing personality–not dominated it completely. Once you're there, I think Beleth has the chance to be a wonderful character.

Oh, and give him a supporting cast!!! My boy needs some friends. :)

I really hope this helps you–and that I didn't oversimplify any issues!! :DDD

@CinnamonRoll That was very helpful indeed. He is definitely going to get some friends in the future but since he is the first character I made for this universe he doesn't have any yet. Thank you again for your helpful reviews. I do believe that you give some of the best critiques on this site.

Ohhhh thank you so much you're making me cry!!! I'm so glad I could help!!! And, as always, drop back in anytime with your other characters!! :DDD

Hello again @Young-Dusty ! No worries about organization–I'll find my way around. Okay, top down on Rick…

"Built like a Dorito chip" look, sometimes diction gives hints as to how we feel about our characters, and my guess is that you love this guy. and I love him too.

Under nature, I was reading, and I got all ready to jump on something, but then: "I promise I can explain this inconsistency, lol" Okay, I believe you. Tentatively. (pause for effect) Okay, the explanation is solid. I'm going to jump on a couple details of it in a moment here, but first, let's talk about the inconsistencies in Rick's flaws. First, insensitivity. This makes absolutely no sense with the rest of his kind, compassionate character. Now, I could understand it if you paired it with his prejudices–maybe he's insensitive to pessimists, because he can't bring himself to care about them as much as other people. But such a gentleman? It doesn't make sense for him to be anything but a caring person. Next up, violence-as-good-clean-fun. Having read through the explanation you gave for his line of work, I can understand how he would be accepting of violence as an answer to certain problems, but I don't see how he would see it as fun.

"Either his harmonica or assault rifle" when i tell you i WHEEZED–

You are my angel for fleshing out religion and politics so nicely. Thank you.

Hey! So that backstory smashed my heart with a hammer. It explains a lot about Rick, but I think there's one thing that needs clearing up: what kept Rick from ending up like Johnny? As you explained earlier, Rick was close with his mother, which kept him from going off the deep end. However, in this backstory, you characterize Rick as an overeager learner, picking up everything he can from his father. Getting that enthusiastic about the mercenary lifestyle would logically lead to an arc more like Johnny's. You don't have to scrap his enthusiasm by any means, but I'd urge you to balance it out with a bit more of Magnolia's influence.

The Gator Boys Code is super helpful to attach!! I feel like I understand his view of his line of work much better now, and it makes more sense for him personally. However, a couple last questions. One: Does he take any kind of work (other than that outlined as strictly taboo in the Code)? Because given the rest of Rick's sheet, he seems like the kind of man who kills or hurts others for a greater purpose. Pettier jobs don't seem in-character for him. Two: what's his remorse like after a kill? Since the Code says not to kill if necessary and he has pretty strong religious beliefs, so I would think that he would feel bad in some capacity. Or maybe that he would have an action/phrase that indicates that the person he offed served some higher purpose. Small things like that would make his job more organic-feeling, I think.

Also, did you draw that??? because DAMN

But that's all! This was actually pretty hard–you have a solid character here! I hope that my nit-picking is in some way helpful!! :DDD

Hey! When you get the chance could you look at my boy Corey? Invalid Character

@Young-Dusty I'm glad you enjoyed!!! I feel like I say this a lot, but I mean it every time: come on back whenever, because I love meeting all these amazing characters!! And your art is INCREDIBLE. Seriously, I'm impressed. :DD

@zims - let's do this! Top down for Corey…

I'm not going to lie to you, there's not a whole lot for me here. This is a smooth, well-done character, with traits that work together fairly well. That being said, I am nothing if not a god of nit-picking, so let's do this.

My most major issue is with his flaw of emotional repression and insecurity. You explain this by telling me that his parents never though what he did was good enough, but I don't see that at all. His parents never had enough time for him; they couldn't be bothered to pay him a lot of attention. Rather then belittling his actions/feelings/achievements, they neglected them. The reason I'm telling you what you've already written is to show you why his response would be very different. A child who was never seen by his parents would be more prone to emotional outbursts, constantly needing validation and support from friends and peers. He may not think his emotions are as important as those of others, but he definitely wouldn't sublimate.

You can explain this issue by reworking the type of relationship he had with his parents–making them more dismissive than neglectful. However, this presents its own issues. If Corey lives with constant dismissal, he wouldn't be impulsive. He would rarely, if ever, act without thinking.

Like I said, not a ton for me to say!! I see that you posted Corey on the lovely @JuniperDreams's thread as well, so I hope they can find something I missed!

With all that said, I will warn you of one thing: Corey as a main character seems to lack a certain layer. He's well-developed, cohesive, and compelling, but I feel like there's something missing, and I can't quite put my finger on it. I would try to explore some nuances of his character–for example, if he's had any struggles as a bisexual man in sports, or, later, in traditional New England society at Yale. If he's studying a pre-med track, examine how he balances D1 sports with a rigorous Yale curriculum. Even the tournament–discuss his anxiety or excitement surrounding it. I just feel like he needs another layer to his character to really bring him to the next level.

But remember–my job is to be super annoying!!! Corey is a really good character already. I'm just trying to give advice to make him even better. I hope that something here helps you in some way, and please drop back any time with more of your impressive characters!! :DDDD

Dude! Thank you so much!!! I didn't really give the response to the negligence much thought, but you're totally right! And I definitely feel that lack of layers or something when I was developing him. I couldn't really figure out what it was but you explained it so well! Everything I have so far is mainly about his past or his relationships with other characters, not about the story. Like it doesn't deal with his current struggles or story like how he actually does once he gets to Yale and obtains this thing he worked so hard for. I'm already thinking of ways I can develop him further and actually explore his experience in the world. Like, thank you so much, dude!! :D <3

I'm so glad I could help!!!! He's such a solid character already, so I can't wait to see where you take him from here!! :DDD

Hi! Thank you so much, oh my gosh!!! First off, I saw someone else aid something about how good our critiques are, and can I just agree bc holy cow, these are some of the best critiques I've ever gotten, ever
Also, I'm late. Also, I'm going to take up a bunch of space again. I'll try to trim it down tho ^^

@Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull!!! Welcome back!! I'm hoping for some absolute WALLS of text on Cello's sheet. Here we go, top down…

Hope I didn't disappoint xD

Before I start, can we TALK about those TITLES?? Let me tell you, I still can't make a title to save my damn life, and your are stunningly beautiful. Well! Done!

Ahhhhh thank-you!! I'm so glad you like them!!! :D :D

Okay! I actually read through everything and took down some notes, since I figured that would be easier than constantly switching screens. So, number one: the narcissist issue.

I don't know how else to put it: you have written a narcissistic character. You say that he's not a narcissist, but everything points that way–the desire for devoted followers, the supposed intellectual superiority, the manipulative and destructive relationships. Honestly, I have no idea why you felt the need to put "He's not a narcissist" as a disclaimer. Because he is! And that's okay! And Cello can still be a lot more than 'narcissist villain' even if that label is there. He's already so much more–but he's already a narcissist, too. And I feel like that's important to recognize.

My bad phrasing is coming back to bite me, thanks for pointing that out xD Yes, he's absolutely narcissistic, what I meant to say is he's not diagnosable with Narcissism as a mental disorder. But he's definitely narcissistic. That was all my bad xD

Next, let's get into some little inconsistencies. For starts, you have a VERY well-made character here, so I really had to nitpick to find some issues. I knew that the types of people he likes/loves would connect! Here we go. Having read through Cello's nature, I literally cannot fathom how he can love intelligent and less-than intelligent people in the same capacity. He literally believes everyone is below him, so how could he really love someone less intelligent? His manipulative tendencies would creep in to a relationship that unbalanced, and unless his significant other is an emotional TANK, the relationship would just crumble. Plus, there's always the question of, "Why bother?" Why exactly would Cello date someone so far below him, if he could just control them as a follower instead? You said that he prefers these people because they're better emotionally, but at least for me, that only partially rectifies the issue. Now I'm not saying it's impossible for a relationship like that to work, just that you have to address these questions if you choose to write such a relationship.

I really appreciate the nit-picking! Thanks SO much for this advice, I never thought about it this way before, I'm definitely going to re-do/edit some of that, you're right, it doesn't make a ton of sense. I never would have noticed that, holy cow :D

And as for the love of people who are intelligent and on/near his level–how would he process that? How would he be able to move past his superiority complex and accept that someone is on the same level as him? I could understand how mutual respect would give birth to a relationship, but where does that respect begin?

Same thing here, I'll go back and think about making that work better/changing it!

Easy forgiveness is both in and out of character. On one hand, he's been devastated by people leaving him, and therefore would want anyone who messed up back. But on the other hand, he thinks he's above everyone, so why would he be willing to forgive anyone? I mean, if they went against him, they're clearly fundamentally wrong. I think this is a good place to start building an emotional duality for Cello. Make a clear distinction: he'll never forgive people he isn't close to, but once you're in the fold, he'll forgive you immediately just to get you back. Some level of emotional vulnerability could also help when you try to fix up the relationships question.

The original thought behind this one is that it's just another tactic to get people on his side. I think I need to go back and re-write some bits of him to focus more on his charisma and the lengths he's willing to go to to get people where he wants them. But yeah, this needs a lot more detail and adjustment. I'll start including more layers to his personality; where he may pretend to forgive someone to gain their faor, but not actually, or something like that. This is a lot of food for thought here, I'llbe using this a lot!

Plus, this could give Cello what he so desperately needs: a WEAKNESS. He's got flaws, sure, but no real exposed vulnerabilities. Playing on this idea that Cello is emotionally starved is the perfect weakness. He can easily hide it during times of conflict, and sometimes it's not even on his mind. But it's still there.

OH NO YOU'RE RIGHT I totally left that out OOPS–
But, your idea is honestly way better than anything I ever could have thought of, emotional starvation is perfect for him. Now I'm super excited to work that into his personality more :D Thanks SO much!!!
that moment when some stranger knows your character better than you xDD

I feel like you may have been hinting at that when you said he was "sad and lonely." (maybe?) If not, you need to develop that way more, because right now, saying Cello is "sad and lonely" just feels like it was tacked on as an afterthought. It's jarringly out of place with the rest of his character. But to paint him as emotionally starved makes sense. It gives him sadness and loneliness, but it also makes sense in character. He's up on a pedestal, but there's only enough room up there for one, you know?

This is getting MAD long, and it's only going to get LONGER! You say that Cello is fearless–that makes no sense. He's clearly got an issue with people leaving. He might not be afraid of anything else (can you say GOD COMPLEX) and that''s fine, but make it clear!

Also, you say he doesn't care what others think of him, but he very, very clearly does. I mean, his whole personality in close relationships is designed around masks that are perfectly designed to please the other person. Again, duality: he doesn't care a bit what his subordinates think of him, probably even what his peers think, but he does care what those he loves think of him–maybe a little too much. Why else would he feel the need to tailor his personality around them so much?

Yeeaahhh you're totally right here, these are both traits from his original character, that I wrote back in my youthly youth. Don't know why I didn't adjust them xD Yet again, you've hit the nail on the head by giving the best advice ever ^^ I'm really excited to go back and work on him next time I get time :D

PAPER AIRPLANES

I'm WHEEZING

Okay, so he was ranked below general for a LONG time, yet still managed to control everything. That kind of doesn't make sense, especially considering the ungreasable cogs of military bureaucracy. If it makes sense in your timeline, go off–but remember, there will be times when he's stifled by his superiors.

Yeah, that's time-line stuff, but I still need to flesh that out and explain it better.

AN IRISH MAN

AN I R I S H MAN

allergic to POTATOES????

OOF I NEVER EVEN REALIZED xDD I'm sure the irony is entirely lost on him as well xDD

I love it. And I'll leave it at that, because I've already written WAY too much. Hopefully some small part of this is helpful to you, and I can honestly say that Cello is an outstanding character. I'd definitely fall in love with him, even though my sister would tell me he's a terrible person (he's SO not). You've done excellent work already, and I hope in some little way I can make it even better!! :DDDD

OKAY THANK-YOU SO MUCH FOR SAYING THAT because honestly, I was going to take your advice from the get go, but you saying he's not a bad person just,,,, thank-you. That honestly means way more than you might think, because I also love him, and I know how horrified he would be if he thought he was a bad guy. He tries, he really does, he's just flawed. You understand him very much, and I really appreciate the amount of attention to detail you have in order to realize that about him. Thank-you so, so much <3