Please let me critique characters!!! [CLOSED - SORRY!]

Hey! could you take a look at my girl? Thanks!

Morosis - thank you!!!! I'm glad I could help and your compliments mean a lot to me!! :DD
@elly_rae93, of course I can! It might not be until tomorrow night, since I'm kind of tired today, but I'll absolutely check her out as soon as I can! :D

Now, @ella_grace's Victoria! Top down…

(side note: look, if I see ONE MORE amazing artist on this thread I'm going to have to detonate my own skull. you are SO talented if those are your drawings. my god)

My first issue with Victoria's nature section is I feel that I don't know her all too well. She's tagged as an MC, but the level of development here seems low, the kind I would give to a side character. Right now, her character is mostly coherent, but I would try to add a bit more nuance. How does she treat people who take advantage of her? How does she balance depression and motherhood? Did she suffer from postpartum depression? How does her relationship with her parents influence her own parenting style?

Of course, I'll still critique what you have!! But for a more in-depth character critique, I need more details. So if what I point out can be easily explained by another character detail, I'm sorry!! I'm just working with what I see.

Most of the inconsistencies in Victoria's personality spiral from her difficulty to trust others. It doesn't gel with a lot of her personality. First and foremost, her need to feel validated. From what I've seen in life and literature, there are two basic kinds of validation: superficial and personal. Superficial validation is what I call it when someone flaunts their accomplishments in public, bragging, essentially, for attention. In this way, they feel validated. But Victoria is a quiet character, and one with trust issues–how would she feel comfortable expressing details of her life in public? Also, this doesn't work with her escapism. She wants to get away from people unworthy of her trust, so superficial validation doesn't seem to work for her.

Personal validation is even worse for Victoria's character, because this is what I call validation from family, friends, or significant others. All of these relationships require significant amounts of trust and openness. Victoria is understandably scared of such attachments after a traumatic experience, so personal validation basically goes out the window.

But not entirely!! I think what you need to establish for Victoria's character is the point where she moves past her prejudice. At what point does she decide a person is trustworthy? I peeked ahead and saw that she has friends, so there must be something. Even if they're friends from before, her new paranoia would've tried to destroy those relationships. It was up to her to convince herself that there is something that makes some people redeemable. I think that's how you can reconcile these two character traits, which are otherwise in conflict.

Tiny thing (okay, not tiny, but I'm going to try and keep it short). Caring about others more than herself is in a weird quasi-makes-sense position right now. She seems like a nurturing character, and I understand how friendships can overcome disorders like depression and anxiety. But she also struggles to trust people, and she craves the ability to escape. So why is she devoting herself so much to others? I feel like it's a trait that sort of makes sense, but needs further explanation.

Okay, so if you've read any of my other critiques, you know I have this thing about politics and religion. I feel like they're ridiculously important fields, because they define a character's worldview so much. For politics, I find it helpful to rate characters on a scale of 'liberal-to-conservative,' even if they aren't super active in politics. That can explain how open they are to change as opposed to the traditional way of life. For religion, explaining which organized religion a character belongs to and why is MAD helpful, because it tells you a ton about them (what's their image of God like? kind or cruel? Are they the kind of character who robotically does what they did as a child, because it feels more comfortable?) If they're not a member of any religion, I also like to distinguish between atheistic and agnostic, since it paints a character as more nihilistic or more hopeful. So I guess I'd encourage you to fill those fields out!

Okay, I know you said that you don't like typing out her backstory, but I feel like I can't give you a full critique without it. There's not much I can say here, I guess. But if you do decide to write a fragment of her backstory on Notebook, here's what I think is most important to examine: the traumatic event. It's the most major origin point for so many personality points. If you ever type if up, please drop by this thread again!! I'd love to give you a full critique.

All in all, though, you have a wonderful character here! She sounds gentle and caring and I really, REALLY want to give her a hug. Unless touch is a trigger, in which case I will wave extra supportively. I hope my notes on Victoria help you make her an even better character than she already is, even if just by a little bit!! :DD

@CinnamonRoll yesssss thank you thank you!! In all honesty, considering how thorough you are with these critiques, all my characters are underdeveloped T-T
Thanks for pointing out the nature inconsistencies! But yes, some of them are explained by her backstory.
I’ll definitely come back when I’ve written the backstory (and maybe for my other characters)
Side note: only the purple sketch and the one where she’s nursing her son are mine, but thank you! Please don’t detonate your skull haha

@ella_grace I'm glad you liked it!! I'm excited (and honestly a tiny bit scared) to read her backstory if I ever get the chance! :D

I usually have her brother critiqued so there may e a few empty spaces. If you have questions about her they might be answered with him if you find its not inconvenient to look. You are amazing for offering up your time and i thank you so much! (btw her name is Aloisia (Ah-loy-see-uh) and her bro is addox (add-ducks) Addox (Add-ucks) (for if u wanna give him a looksie)

Nice nice nice!!! You guys are really giving me some love here (thank you!!!!!) As usual, I don't think I can do you all in one night, but here's the lineup:

1. @elly_rae93
2. @the-ghost-witch-izzy (google doc is just fine! :D)
3. @Young-Dusty (special requests??? fancy and I'm IN to it)
4. @Nat (I'll do both if that's ok?)

Safe guess is that I get through two of you guys tonight (it may be laaaaaaate tonight, but tonight). Maybe three if I'm seized with passion? Who knows. But I should be done with all four of you by tomorrow!! Thanks for swinging by the thread!! :DD

(Eyamir has a really long convoluted backstory, most of it happened before he was born but it's important to his story and such. IN other words it's taking a very long time to type it all out sorry for taking so long)

@Relsey - no worries at all! I have no intention of closing this thread anytime soon, so don't rush yourself!!

Now, @elly_rae93 ! Let's go top down on Sasha…

Nature is really, really solid! She seems like a character you love to hate, then grow to love. I actually only have a couple little things here, and they're mainly situations rather than conflicting traits.

One, and this is a genuine question, how does Sasha still have ANY friends? Her best redeeming quality is 'knows how to have a good time,' but that doesn't make her a good friend. If you tried to hang around her, she would come off as mean and toxic. She literally enjoys doing bad things (understandable under a stifling mother, but still not good for friendships) and has a really toxic prejudice (again, makes sense for her life situation). I'm struggling to find a single redeeming quality for Sasha. And that's an issue, because a huge part of her character development seems to be leaning on Bianca–how Bianca teaches her to be nicer, more considerate, etc., etc. But for any of that to happen, Bianca needs a reason to stay. What part of Sasha makes her worth sticking around? Maybe she defends her friends until she runs out of insults to throw. Maybe she doesn't care about poor people, but she loves animals, and spends time volunteering at shelters. Literally anything to redeem her at this point. Otherwise, she feels like a character that has been well-developed, but still falls flat. She's lacking a bit of depth.

(I guess I don't have a two? There isn't a lot of trait clash because there isn't a whole lot of nuance yet. which has its pros and cons for sure!! don't stress too much about packing her with redeemable qualities that dilute her stuck-up character–just little things here or there that remind us that she's human).

Okay, let's talk social! I have three fields to rant about here: favorite possession, politics, and religion. For FP: why is that bracelet her favorite? To me, it seems like a constant reminder of how often her father is away from home. But I can absolutely understand the sentimental value of it, which could make it seem like a bittersweet favorite. For politics: classic Cinnamon rant incoming!! I always find it WILDLY helpful to rate my characters on a scale of 'liberal-to-conservative,' even if they're not involved in politics. This helps define their worldview, especially their subconscious image of the world. It's kind of neat!! Something similar for religion: I think it's helpful if you consider if Sasha follows Christian tradition or not. Does she believe in it? If yes, great, put that, love to see it. If not, I find it helpful to differentiate between atheistic and agnostic for non-affiliated characters. It helps define if they're more nihilistic or hopeful!

Background is fine, but not super in-depth. I was kind of hoping for an explanation on that 'murder suspect' tag, not going to lie! I also think you need more about how Bianca's traits clicked with Sasha's, because although opposites can attract, polar opposites do NOT. Given what I know about Sasha's nature, I'm skeptical about the friendship. But if that detail is on Bianca's page rather than Sasha's, that makes sense too.

Having read the random section, I'm a little worried about Sasha's relationships. Eli and Bianca are described as self-sacrificial in their relationships with Sasha, doing things they hate to keep her happy and staying completely in love with her. That's really concerning, because Sasha's whole character is built off her indifference towards the feelings of others. The fact that they're so devoted to her is a major issue, since it causes the only other major characters I know about so far to circle around Sasha. I'm sure that in the scenes that play out in your head, Sasha has the qualities that makes this understandable–putting it all on paper is HARD. Believe me, I know.

But I really like this idea that Sasha lives fast to outrun her own anxieties and problems. Now that's some NUANCE. Put more of that in nature if you get another critique!!! It's helpful to see all layers up front. (Seriously, I have a weak spot for characters with unhealthy coping mechanisms).

Now that I've written WAY too much, I'll wrap up!! Sasha is a strong character who just needs one more layer to make her amazing. She's coherent and realistic, and I bet her arc will be a work of art. I hope my notes are helpful to you in some way!!! :DD

Okay, @the-ghost-witch-izzy! Let's go top down on Eos!!

I've never done a critique using Docs, but may I say, this template you have is really cool!

Skimmed through powers–neat!! Glad to see you included the weakness of their power. It makes it seem… realistic? Can I say that for magic? I don't know, but you get what I mean.

Anyhow, let's get into Eos's personality! (Or Eon? I've seen both now, but I'm going to stick with Eos for this critique I suppose). The first little inconsistency I notice is with their peacekeeper nature. Eos is described as the first person to step in to solve a conflict, which is both in-line and out of line with their softheartedness. They always consider someone's story, to the point where it's almost a flaw. While that's great for empathizing, it's not so hot for negotiations. Eos likely struggles to compromise, since no matter how good it is, they'll walk away feeling like they could've done better.

Second: This pessimism thing. I understand how logic could confuse Eos's upbeat worldview, because it's true that the world isn't perfect all of the time. But why does that cause them to plunge into pessimism? It's the antithesis to their entire personality. One of their dislikes is actually 'pessimism.' I can see how being confronted with logic or pessimism could shake Eos's strong optimism, but I don't understand how a sentence or two could plunge them into nihilistic pessimism.

Now let's talk minutiae. One reason I really enjoy the Notebook character sheets is they allow for fields you wouldn't ordinarily consider, like prejudices, politics, mannerisms, etc. I'm not saying you have to use the Notebook sheets if you don't want to, but I do think you need to consider a bit more nuance to Eos. So far, they're a strong enough character, but they feel a little flat. I don't feel like I know Eos at all. And I think that's important! So I would encourage you to add more details, like those outlined by Notebook fields, to Eos's doc. Until you do that, I'm worried I'm not giving you the critique you deserve!!!

Small note on backstory: I want to know more about where this indomitable optimism came from. Is Eos endlessly optimistic because they had a happy childhood and simply never saw the bad side of life? Or did they survive something bad, and refuse to believe that the world could be so bad, clinging to their optimism like a lifeline? I generally prefer backstories that explain character traits, because there's nothing to critique with the actual backstory. I mean, who a I to say, "No! You're wrong! They were FIFTEEN!"

I'm really, really sorry, but I can't give you that much from this sheet. What you have for Eos now is a strong character base, but they're missing a certain realness that makes them feel tangible to the reader. If you ever fill out a Notebook sheet, expand their doc, or do anything else, really, please drop back by the thread!!! I'd love to see Eos in all of their glory!! For now, I hope what little I could say is helpful to you!! :DDD

Finally back!! I really appreciate this critique, honestly, SO helpful, even if it was short, it only made good points xDD

You have a very, very well-developed character here, which shouldn't surprise me, given what I've seen with Dakota and Cello. But Titan is the toughest to crack, because his character is so.. simple. Not like BASIC, because do NOT get me wrong, this is a wildly interesting character premise with solidly established history and a lovable personality. He's NOT basic. But his personality is simple, because he's young. He leeches personality traits off of the people around him, which makes sense. Everything makes sense. I've taken like three breaks while typing this already, because I really want to give you something useful and I don't know if I can this time.

fffff thank-you so much <3 yeah, he's not the most complex baby ben I've come up with xD

First up is the question of his line of work. He kills people–cool, sure, he's a war machine. But from what I've read, Peyton has him growing his Morality Bones, and one thing you said specifically is that he's learning the value of human life. Clearly he understands that it must be preserved, based on how he handed Gemma back to Peyton when she started crying. If he didn't understand, he would have dropped or thrown the baby. So how does that work with his profession (I literally have no idea how to refer to this so I will simply pretend that it is his job, much as one can be a lawyer)? Is there an opposing influence that praises him when he kills? You've developed how he picks up morality almost too well, to the point where it compromises the other side of his character.

Ah, yes, them Morality Bones have been getting thicc xD I'll sure have to think about that! Currently, when I'm thinking is that throughout his life, he never really understood what death was, and Peyton never explained it to him, since after they ran away, she was so stressed trying to keep them safe she just didn't think about it, especially since they were focused on hiding, not fighting. As for his reaction to Gemma…yeah, I need to think about that also xD I'll he to put my love for his cute soft-boiness to the side to really think about his OTHER side xD THanks for pointing that out!

Next, consider his social aspect. You describe him as the strong and silent type, but that seems confusing. He's like a sweet little kid. Definitely strong, definitely silent (RIP vocal chords), but he seems… outgoing. You'd think he'd want to pet everyone's dog and touch someone's curly hair and wave at EVERYONE. I can get how he might be quieter in the lab, because I'm guessing that the scientists show more approval if he sits still, but outside of there? I hope we get to see him open up a little!!

Aahhhhhh yes. You're right, that doesn't make a lot of sense xDD I actually already went back and changed that one, since I had a ready-made solution of him 'coming off as' the strong and silent type ^^ But yeah, especially as he ages, he stays shy and wary of strangers (since socialization wasn't…a huge part of his life xD), but he's super curious of them, and a few years after he's been living with Peyton, he does start to come out of his shell and try to make friends :)

Also, fun fact! I have a character kind of similar to Titan! She is not a fungus-human hybrid, but she has emotional dependency issues. In her case, it's not developmental, but unhealthy. Still, I think it could be interesting to consider these things, given my experience writing with her:

1. What is Titan like under a bad influence? How far will he go to make people happy? How will he react to a person taking advantage of him for his unique abilities? Are there any other influences in his life, besides Peyton? Bad ones?
2. What is Titan like when Peyton/his emotional anchor is taken away? Will he latch on to another person? Will he become unstable? Will he grow confused and simply stop moving forward?

OOOH! YES I have to think about these, holy cow.

And that… is all. I am SO sorry I can't give you more, but this is the hardest one you've thrown at me yet. He's coherent, and more than that, he's such a good character. He's got tons of room for growth, since his brain is quite literally forming. He's amazing. I'm so, so, so sorry I can't help any more. I nitpicked, I promise!! But I hope what I could offer could help you a little bit. :DD

No, it's all good! I'm so glad you like him, and what you gave me is awesome, I'm already thinking up ways to make his better :D

Will you critique Ramona? Invalid Character

(The General Address before I write critiques):

@the-ghost-witch-izzy - I'm glad you liked it!!!! Seriously, if and when that backstory is done, come back!! I'd love to see Eos in all of their glory.

@Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull - Same to you–I love when you guys enjoy!!! It makes me really happy. Your responses seem pretty excited, so I'm glad I gave you something to think about!! :DD

@Nerdy_Theater_Kid - absolutely I will!! You have two people ahead of you, and I generally do two critiques a night (unless I'm feeling ambitious), so it's likely Ramona will get critiqued tomorrow.

@Young-Dusty - let's do this!! I'll go heavy on flaws, since that's what you requested, but I'm going to do a full critique as well. Here we go–top down on Boar-back:

May I just say that I have a passionate love of how you lay out little details about your characters in Mannerisms? I think it's really sweet.

Flaws!! Yes!! I think I can help!! Here's what I'm seeing: there are two conflicting motivations within Boar-back. His overarching motive is to remain in power at the top of his gang/group, and to do that, he has to be ruthless, squashing rebellions and feeding deserters to the dogs. But he also seems to care for his followers, just enough that the conflict between the motives gives rise to flaws. Clearly, his most major motive is his own power. That gives us one flaw: selfishness…. usually. The fact that he's not 100% selfish actually gives us bonus flaws!! Boar-back has the capacity to form relationships, but since he cares more about his own status (even if it is for a good reason, like maintaining stability), he may be willing to sever some of his ties to maintain strength and stability. Flaw! (or perhaps… there are some people… he would never step on… that sweet, sweet character development) Also, what he's got going on here almost seems like a brand of manipulation. He's charismatic and keeps his followers hungry for attention, but he's also ruthless and unforgiving to those who cross him. That's practically cult leader 101. Not that he's a LITERAL cult leader, but it's that brand of manipulation, you know?

As for why he does bad things, that's what backstory is for!!

Backstory is solid, solid, SOLID. I was about to yell about "well why would he be so power-hungry if he was the Protective Kid???" but then the incident when he went by Hatchet was just a perfect turning point for him from protector of others to mainly protector of himself (still others, ofc). Also, given this backstory, I'm wondering if you let a prejudice get lost in here. How does Boar-back feel about mutineers? It was a violent mutiny that led to a horrible turn of events for him, and got rid of much better leaders. I feel like he'd have an ingrained prejudice against mutineers from that time on. Just an idea, though!! And an honest question: how in the world can this man still SEE things? I am no medical professional, but side-of-the-road care after acid was poured on your face doesn't seem like a good place to fix up the ol' seeing orbs.

And before I wrap up, I want to clarify something: I don't think Boar-back is a selfish person. I used that word a lot and felt I should explain that I don't really mean SELFISH selfish. What I mean is more along the lines of a staunch believer in self-preservation, which manifests itself as 'selfish' tendencies, like occasionally stepping on others for higher goals.

That's all!! I hope I fulfilled your request, and as always, I hope you enjoyed!! You may notice I didn't do as many inconsistencies as usual, and that's because there aren't many!! You have a really solid character here, and I hope my comments help you a little bit in his amazing development!! :DD

Okay, @Nat ! I'll start with Aloisia and then do Addox. Top down on Aloisia…

First issue with Aloisia: her prejudices. It is literally impossible for someone to have NO prejudices. They don't have to ACT on their prejudices if they're aware of them and work against them, but ingrained points of view due to upbringing exist in all of us.

What I'm seeing in Aloisia's personality is a solid basis that isn't taken all the way. She's a character who endlessly sacrifices for the sake of others, painting herself as an all-powerful force and even holding back her own emotions to appear stronger. But I don't see much about how this affects her as a person. Bottling up your own emotions for so long isn't healthy. She doesn't even appear to use giving advice to others or living vicariously through friends as an emotional outlet. I think you should explore the impacts of Aloisia's behavior on her personality a bit more, because they would be BIG.

Also, given her whole idea of concealing emotions until her anger makes it impossible, her easy irritation seems almost out of character. It's not a huge deal, but if Aloisia is a hero, the facade she would put up would be happy and confident. While I don't think her facade is properly explained on this sheet, that's a whole different issue. If that's not the image of her you have in mind, that's okay; if it is, just know that her snapping at everyone who complains shatters that persona.

Party! Time! I swear to god I should start copy-pasting the Religion and Politics rants. But here they are: I think religion and politics are two of the most important fields on Notebook. For religion, it's helpful to explain what, if any, organized religion your character belongs to. If they don't belong to any, I also like to differentiate between atheistic and agnostic. This difference defines a character's worldview as nihilistic or hopeful. If they're part of organized religion, that explains how they feel about organization and authority in general. For politics, I find it helpful to rate my characters on a scale of 'liberal-to-conservative.' How far they are in one direction or another helps explain how open they are to change or how tied they are to traditional values. So I guess I would encourage you to fill those out!!

Backstory is solid, but there's one huge issue here. What's with this hot-headed thing?? That makes NO sense with what I saw in Nature. Aloisia previously appeared as someone who controlled her emotions, controlled situations, and controlled her image. None of that screams hot-headed to me. I think this needs MUCH more explanation to work well, or perhaps to just be scrapped.

All right, now Addox!! Same top-down format as Aloisia…

Same complaint for the prejudices. Given the backstory I read for Aloisia, how do neither of these people have prejudices against humans? They massacred their entire species.

I wonder a bit about how he is seen as childish. Addox seems gentler and more nurturing than his sister, but nothing about his personality screams childish to me. I can understand how people are surprised when he's not a stone-cold human weapon, but he's still a strong and mature person.

I think Addox is lacking some deeper flaws. Self-doubt and trusting people too much are fine, but oddly non-specific. Addox is a character who is crushed under the weight of a glorious destiny, but he just wants to spread peace and love, not war. This is ground zero for an amazing character conflict that produces flaws like shirking responsibility and ignoring his true nature, but none of that has been developed far enough. I think it could be interesting to consider what Addox's fear of himself and his destiny means for him as a character. It should be making an enormous imprint on his character sheet, but I'm not seeing enough of it.

[Copy-paste my religion and politics rants here] (seriously, read like half of my critiques. I use them SO MUCH)

Anyway!! That's all I have for you!! You've developed an interesting and complex world, with two characters who have radically different responses to the same destiny. I would like to see more of that response layered over the solid base personality that each one currently has. I think exploring what their situations mean for who they are as people could really bring these characters to the next level!!!! I hope you enjoyed, and I also hope that my notes will help you in your development process in some way!! :DD

Okay, @Nat ! I'll start with Aloisia and then do Addox. Top down on Aloisia…

First issue with Aloisia: her prejudices. It is literally impossible for someone to have NO prejudices. They don't have to ACT on their prejudices if they're aware of them and work against them, but ingrained points of view due to upbringing exist in all of us.

What I'm seeing in Aloisia's personality is a solid basis that isn't taken all the way. She's a character who endlessly sacrifices for the sake of others, painting herself as an all-powerful force and even holding back her own emotions to appear stronger. But I don't see much about how this affects her as a person. Bottling up your own emotions for so long isn't healthy. She doesn't even appear to use giving advice to others or living vicariously through friends as an emotional outlet. I think you should explore the impacts of Aloisia's behavior on her personality a bit more, because they would be BIG.

Also, given her whole idea of concealing emotions until her anger makes it impossible, her easy irritation seems almost out of character. It's not a huge deal, but if Aloisia is a hero, the facade she would put up would be happy and confident. While I don't think her facade is properly explained on this sheet, that's a whole different issue. If that's not the image of her you have in mind, that's okay; if it is, just know that her snapping at everyone who complains shatters that persona.

Party! Time! I swear to god I should start copy-pasting the Religion and Politics rants. But here they are: I think religion and politics are two of the most important fields on Notebook. For religion, it's helpful to explain what, if any, organized religion your character belongs to. If they don't belong to any, I also like to differentiate between atheistic and agnostic. This difference defines a character's worldview as nihilistic or hopeful. If they're part of organized religion, that explains how they feel about organization and authority in general. For politics, I find it helpful to rate my characters on a scale of 'liberal-to-conservative.' How far they are in one direction or another helps explain how open they are to change or how tied they are to traditional values. So I guess I would encourage you to fill those out!!

Backstory is solid, but there's one huge issue here. What's with this hot-headed thing?? That makes NO sense with what I saw in Nature. Aloisia previously appeared as someone who controlled her emotions, controlled situations, and controlled her image. None of that screams hot-headed to me. I think this needs MUCH more explanation to work well, or perhaps to just be scrapped.

All right, now Addox!! Same top-down format as Aloisia…

Same complaint for the prejudices. Given the backstory I read for Aloisia, how do neither of these people have prejudices against humans? They massacred their entire species.

I wonder a bit about how he is seen as childish. Addox seems gentler and more nurturing than his sister, but nothing about his personality screams childish to me. I can understand how people are surprised when he's not a stone-cold human weapon, but he's still a strong and mature person.

I think Addox is lacking some deeper flaws. Self-doubt and trusting people too much are fine, but oddly non-specific. Addox is a character who is crushed under the weight of a glorious destiny, but he just wants to spread peace and love, not war. This is ground zero for an amazing character conflict that produces flaws like shirking responsibility and ignoring his true nature, but none of that has been developed far enough. I think it could be interesting to consider what Addox's fear of himself and his destiny means for him as a character. It should be making an enormous imprint on his character sheet, but I'm not seeing enough of it.

[Copy-paste my religion and politics rants here] (seriously, read like half of my critiques. I use them SO MUCH)

Anyway!! That's all I have for you!! You've developed an interesting and complex world, with two characters who have radically different responses to the same destiny. I would like to see more of that response layered over the solid base personality that each one currently has. I think exploring what their situations mean for who they are as people could really bring these characters to the next level!!!! I hope you enjoyed, and I also hope that my notes will help you in your development process in some way!! :DD

Thank you so much for looking at them! Its been a little while since I worked on them so hearing this helps a lot. For a lot of the politics and prejudiced i just never really wrote anything cause I didnt know what i wanted to put so thank you!!

could you critique my protagonist? Amari Maroun
i've filled out almost every field, but i still feel like she's missing something

if it's not too much, could you also take a look at my deuteragonist? Ikaika Kaomi
i think he's more or less done, but i wouldn't mind if someone else took a look at him

your critiques are so detailed and in depth! thank you for doing this :)

Hi everyone!!! A little late tonight, but here's the usual notice to everyone before my nightly critiques:

@Nat - So glad I could help!!! It's always fun to take another look at characters. If you ever want a second round of critiques after adding stuff, swing by again sometime! :D

@Young-Dusty - I DID???? Thank you!!!! And please, I didn't do anything–all the traits were already there and ready to work together, and that was all you. PLEASE publish your series, whether or not I am acknowledged (it'll be such a good series!!!!! keep at it!!!). <3

@Mintii- and @Isaac : But of course I can!! Since @Nerdy_Theater_Kid is already on the lineup for tonight, Isaac, I' afraid I won't get to your characters until tomorrow night. But I will absolutely do both of them! :D

Okay, @Nerdy_Theater_Kid, let's do this!! Top down on Ramona…

I rarely critique looks, and everything is fine here, so let's jump straight to nature! The first impression I'm getting honestly isn't much. She's a hotheaded princess, which is cool, but I don't see any major nuance to her personality on here. (There may be plenty in your head, but I just can't see it). But of course I'll do my best!!

So here's the most major issue with her personality: Ramona doesn't actually seen like a good leader. She strikes me as someone who could give INCREDIBLY inspiring speeches, and commit bold acts of self-sacrifice out of love for her friends and her people, but that doesn't make her a good military leader. Ramona is an impulsive teenager who acts before thinking and rebels against her advisors for the sake of rebelling. And that's fine! She's sixteen. I get it. But a military leader who acts on passion and impulse with little to no experience and no input from advisors WITH experience is going to lose. Plus, if she's fighting against colonial powers, her nation is almost definitely the smaller fish here. To beat a colonizer, Ramona needs organization and strategy. But there's no semblance of organization or control with Ramona's character. She's a totally loose cannon, and her country would be conquered if she was left to lead the army.

For whatever reason, I don't see that issue played out on her character sheet. Presuming to lead the army while not in control of her temper hints at a dangerous overconfidence (you know Azula's speech about "hey, the tides want to kill you but I'm not sure"? like that.) I would encourage you to explore how her hotheadedness actually impacts her ability to lead!!

Also, I would recommend giving Ramona a soft side. Right now, she's all fire and power, but what grounds her? Try to think beyond listing hobbies that could be considered grounding. Instead, describe how these things make her feel. Perhaps writing is a way to control her anger, and she lets it all out on a page before making important choices. And her friends–we know that she loves them deeply, but how does she show that love? Is it a physical thing, like hugs from behind? Little gifts? Notes? Explaining her actions in relationships will be key to rounding out Ramona as a person.

For politics–what does 'liberal' mean for an 1800s Greek polytheist? I would describe that a little to make sure you don't fall into the trap of simply making her liberal by today's standards. The beliefs can be equivalent, but terminology and specifics will not be the same.

Okay, history!! I have no huge complaints with this, since there aren't any major personality shifts that needed explaining in the first place. I do have one technical issue, though: her mother is Artemis? The thought kind of grates on me, because Artemis's whole THING is that she doesn't do romance/sex/men/women(?). There's a lot of debate about Artemis's sexuality in mythology, but she definitely was a virginal goddess by choice–she never really struggled with attraction. So it's wildly confusing to make her a MOTHER in a story. Now!! I am not here to tell you how to write your plotline, but I just think you need to be aware of that issue. May I perhaps offer a solution? Artemis has one major relationship, with the hunter Orion, but it's more of a close friendship than a love story. So here's my idea: Artemis could become close friends with Ramona's father after he impressed her in some way, and act as the foster mother to baby Ramona. That way, she could be her mother without ACTUALLY being her mother.

HOWEVER! I see that you said "Zeus was mad she broke her oath" and I'm assuming that means her oath of virginity? So I guess that's important to the plot progression. But please be aware that Artemis in mythology has never been tempted to break that oath, and seems very happy with her asexual life.

And that's it!! Like many young nerds, I adore Greek mythology, so please forgive me for going off on the backstory!! But I hope that you can still value the character critique above it! I'm sorry if I pushed the envelope a bit, but know that my intention is never to judge and always to try and help!!! So I hope that my notes can help you improve Ramona, even if in a very small way!! :DD

(Side note: Orion's story is one of my favorite ever, if only because that constellation just means a lot to me for personal reasons)

Now it's time for @Mintii- 's Piper! Here we go, top down…

I very rarely critique looks, but I am one of the few people who really values weight calculations for each character!! It's especially important for fighting characters like Piper, since knowing the relative weights of two or more characters can be very helpful for fight scenes.

Looking at Piper's nature, one thing seems wildly out of place: her motivations. Piper is a character who has pushed the world aside completely and thinks all people are awful and untrustworthy. So why would she care about what anyone thinks of her? None of them matter, anyway. Why would she want to prove herself to a bunch of insignificant people? A similar issue arises when you say she works missions. That means she's working FOR other people, in an organization where she has to trust people, which just doesn't make sense.

I jumped to relationships and notes, and in doing so, I learned that there just isn't enough detail in her Nature page to fully explain Piper's character. Piper HAS a soft side! She will open up to people a little bit if she feels they deserve that of her. She has a sense of humor, even!! Her whole "I hate everyone" demeanor is like a shield to her (well, that's what I'm starting to pick up). Sure, part of it is rooted in truth, but Piper doesn't truly hate everyone unconditionally. What I think you need to explore more is how this demeanor affects her personality. Does she lash out when she feels herself growing close to someone? Does she throw up walls around new people out of wariness? I think that's key to explore to develop her character further!

Before I move on, I want to make a quick note: Piper seems really, really young for her level of experience. To become a master of the sword by age 15 is… insane. I know her parents were samurai as well, but still. I would consider the mental toll it takes on a kid to start training to be a warrior at, like, age ten. Also, as a child, Piper would still be growing and developing, especially as she moves on from her parents' deaths. She would naturally start to let go of her hatred of others, likely subconsciously. When she realizes that's happening, how would Piper react? Would she become introspective? Would she lash out? Would she put up walls? Character growth is ESPECIALLY important for young people, since they're literally still developing mentally.

Okay, I type this out for a LOT of critiques, so I'm literally going to scroll up and copy-past my religion and politics rants: I think religion and politics are two of the most important fields on Notebook. For religion, it's helpful to explain what, if any, organized religion your character belongs to. If they don't belong to any, I also like to differentiate between atheistic and agnostic. This difference defines a character's worldview as nihilistic or hopeful. If they're part of organized religion, that explains how they feel about organization and authority in general. For politics, I find it helpful to rate my characters on a scale of 'liberal-to-conservative.' How far they are in one direction or another helps explain how open they are to change or how tied they are to traditional values. So I guess I would encourage you to fill those out!! Even if it doesn't get mentioned, it's a little behind-the-curtain thing for the writer to better understand their character.

Backstory seems pretty solid, but again, why did she join an organization if she hates people at this point? I don't understand why she wouldn't go completely rogue. And I do have a quick clarification question. Earlier, it was said that she enjoyed torturing Kris (physically or emotionally? who knows), but now he's painted as her best friend and the only person she ever trusted fully. What changed between them? What made her snap? Was it an actual betrayal, or did something happen in her life to make her force herself to sever her last link to humanity? I feel like that needs more explanation.

And that's all!! I hope you enjoy what I have to say. Piper seems like a solid character, and a tragic kind of hero. I think once you consider a bit more layering in her personality, she can become a truly amazing MC!! As always, I hope that my critiques will be helpful to you in some way!! :DD