Please let me critique characters!!! [CLOSED - SORRY!]

@Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull : look, if you keep being so nice to me, I'm going to CRY. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your kind words. Thank you even more for caring so deeply about what I have to say–the way you carefully address each note with respect, open-mindedness, and confidence is mature and honestly rather inspiring. You're an incredible character creator and (now I know I say this a lot but I MEAN IT) I'm so glad I could help!!!!!!

Still can't get over your characters, seriously! I'm able to get into their heads because they're three-dimensional and real. Don't quit at this, promise? You're GOOD at it. :D

@Milano I'm so glad you're taking my words seriously!!! That proves you're a good creator who's open to hearing what others have to say about your characters. I'm sorry my critique of Meadow couldn't be as in-depth as some of my others. Seriously, if you ever type up her other fields on Notebook, come by the thread again!!! I'd love to see her in her full glory!! :D

Here is Azizia side by side, I took the time to type out all of her back story this time, well I might have slacked off on the end of her more recent story on the 19 year old Azizia but to be fair, it's a lot.

Here is Azizia side by side, I took the time to type out all of her back story this time, well I might have slacked off on the end of her more recent story on the 19 year old Azizia but to be fair, it's a lot.

Sorry I just made it public so you should be able to see them both now.

@Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull : look, if you keep being so nice to me, I'm going to CRY. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your kind words. Thank you even more for caring so deeply about what I have to say–the way you carefully address each note with respect, open-mindedness, and confidence is mature and honestly rather inspiring. You're an incredible character creator and (now I know I say this a lot but I MEAN IT) I'm so glad I could help!!!!!!

Still can't get over your characters, seriously! I'm able to get into their heads because they're three-dimensional and real. Don't quit at this, promise? You're GOOD at it. :D

fffffff nooo you deserve all of it, seriously!!!! but asdfghjkl nooo thank-YOU! I'm honored >w<
aawwww thank-youuuuu!!!!!!!! No worries, I'll keep doing it for as long as I can, it's so much fun <3 <3
I'm going to drop off one more, but no rush! I feel kinda bad for rapid firing them like this, I know they're really long and probably quite time consuming, so really, take as long as you need, I don't want to stress you out or take up too much of your time <3

I think this is the last one for now ^^ May do one more eventually, but I need to find the time to update his profile first, since it's a small bt out of date, so it may be a long while xD

Hey would you mind doing another critique?

@Relsey - let's do this!! Since I already critiqued Azizia, I'm going to focus less on her personality and more on her development between ages 14 and 19. So this critique will either be much longer or much shorter than the previous one, but either way I promise I'll do my best to find some stuff to critique!

WOW. I am IMPRESSED. Your story is interesting and compelling, and now a mentor figure feels like a main character! I have this weird philosophy that you have to treat every character like the MC while you're developing them–it helps SO MUCH. You've done something like that here, and I adore it.

At the end of her 19-year-old backstory, you addressed my most major issue: how she just can't do both. So that's good! You recognized that she literally can't devote all her time to two huge things. Personally, I would consider (you don't have to write it down, but keep it in your mind), how she felt when she had to give up her research. During times when she was working for her kingdom or reorganizing the government, she would've had to keep herself away from her studies. How difficult was that for Azizia?

Another thing I think you have to reconcile is her almost tyrannical leanings. I fully understand, when reading this from Azizia's point of view, they she is by no means a tyrant. However, from the eyes of her citizens, there are probably a couple people who view her as tyrannical. I mean, when she seized power, she didn't just form a new council, she incarcerated the entire old one. And she's clearly a little paranoid that someone will take her kingdom away again. It's fair enough, but that kind of paranoia historically induces tyrannical tendencies. She'll have a hard time trusting even her closest advisers.

That kind of paranoia won't destroy her by any means, especially not while she has Eyamir to ground her. But I feel like it's a point that needs to be addressed/considered.

I'll be honest, you didn't give me a lot to worry about!! It's a solid backstory, and as I said earlier, very interesting! Consider what I offer above–I hope it helps you out, at least a little bit!! :DDD

@CinnamonRoll Thank you! Azizia is my oldest character, she starts out as the main character before it shifts to Scale (Scale is a place holder name until I can think of a better one)
She worked very very closely with her people when she regained power so for the most part she's very well loved, she lead the movement to get her throne back but her people fueled it. That being said there's a moment when she first comes back home where she does show some tyrannical tendencies. while She was gone Eyamir and the new council made some changes she doesn't entirely support and she goes a little crazy on them. Eventually through some talking to and a lot of work she learns to trust their changes and sees the benefits of them but you are correct she does end up having some extremely controlling behaviors especially when she comes back.
I'm really glad you picked up on the things you picked up. Thank you so much! I was worried that some development things wouldn't be picked up on.

@Relsey - glad you enjoyed!!! Seriously, she's a very well-developed character and you should be proud. :D
@Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull - typing yours up right now!!! Sorry, I'm being a little lazy today!
@salami011 and @CrackpipeDreamer - y'all are next!! I'll try to get to both of you tonight, but if I don't, definitely by tomorrow! It might be kind of late since I go back to work tomorrow, but it will be tomorrow for sure! :DD

ffff no worries at all!! Take your time! I'm super excited to see what you have to say :D

Okay, @Oakley-is-Oaken-Bull, here we go!! Top down on Titan…

Sike, yeah, not top down. I decided to do what I did with Cello and read through everything before typing. And here's what I've come up with (it's… not a lot).

You have a very, very well-developed character here, which shouldn't surprise me, given what I've seen with Dakota and Cello. But Titan is the toughest to crack, because his character is so.. simple. Not like BASIC, because do NOT get me wrong, this is a wildly interesting character premise with solidly established history and a lovable personality. He's NOT basic. But his personality is simple, because he's young. He leeches personality traits off of the people around him, which makes sense. Everything makes sense. I've taken like three breaks while typing this already, because I really want to give you something useful and I don't know if I can this time.

Here's what I can offer:

First up is the question of his line of work. He kills people–cool, sure, he's a war machine. But from what I've read, Peyton has him growing his Morality Bones, and one thing you said specifically is that he's learning the value of human life. Clearly he understands that it must be preserved, based on how he handed Gemma back to Peyton when she started crying. If he didn't understand, he would have dropped or thrown the baby. So how does that work with his profession (I literally have no idea how to refer to this so I will simply pretend that it is his job, much as one can be a lawyer)? Is there an opposing influence that praises him when he kills? You've developed how he picks up morality almost too well, to the point where it compromises the other side of his character.

Next, consider his social aspect. You describe him as the strong and silent type, but that seems confusing. He's like a sweet little kid. Definitely strong, definitely silent (RIP vocal chords), but he seems… outgoing. You'd think he'd want to pet everyone's dog and touch someone's curly hair and wave at EVERYONE. I can get how he might be quieter in the lab, because I'm guessing that the scientists show more approval if he sits still, but outside of there? I hope we get to see him open up a little!!

Also, fun fact! I have a character kind of similar to Titan! She is not a fungus-human hybrid, but she has emotional dependency issues. In her case, it's not developmental, but unhealthy. Still, I think it could be interesting to consider these things, given my experience writing with her:

1. What is Titan like under a bad influence? How far will he go to make people happy? How will he react to a person taking advantage of him for his unique abilities? Are there any other influences in his life, besides Peyton? Bad ones?
2. What is Titan like when Peyton/his emotional anchor is taken away? Will he latch on to another person? Will he become unstable? Will he grow confused and simply stop moving forward?

And that… is all. I am SO sorry I can't give you more, but this is the hardest one you've thrown at me yet. He's coherent, and more than that, he's such a good character. He's got tons of room for growth, since his brain is quite literally forming. He's amazing. I'm so, so, so sorry I can't help any more. I nitpicked, I promise!! But I hope what I could offer could help you a little bit. :DD

All right, @salami011, let's go! Top down on Tommy…

Okay, "top down" used to be my thing, but I feel like I have to scrap it, since I read through all the pages before even STARTING to type. 2018 was a simpler time. ANYWAY.

So I feel like reading his backstory has helped me understand his character better. Having said that, there are a couple points in his personality that don't make too much sense. First, let's talk about his impulsiveness. While it makes sense that he would go on spur-of-the-moment plans with his friends, the kind of impulsiveness that leads to recklessness doesn't make sense to me. Consider two defining aspects of his character. One, he's dedicated to supporting his mother, emotionally and financially; two, he's seen what hospitalization did to his family, both in terms of his father's death and how it destroyed their financial stability. It makes no sense that he would (a) make his mother worry so much about him when he clearly cares about her and she's already so stressed, and that he would (b) risk hospitalization, the very thing that put his mother in the position she's currently in. Impulsiveness, I can understand. But recklessness doesn't make much sense for a caring and supportive son.

Following that same 'supportive son' thread, the issue of his job then arises. Clearly, he wants to help his mother financially. However, he keeps getting fired due to impulsiveness. I can understand how Tommy would struggle to keep a job, but I don't get how it's due to impulsiveness. Perhaps some ADHD tendencies (ex. zoning out while he's supposed to watch the counter, failing to complete long tasks because he can't focus for long enough) could explain why he struggles to keep a job. But impulsiveness can generally be sublimated better than an actual mental issue. One would think Tommy holds that back in order to keep a steady job.

Next issue: the fights in school. It just feels… injected. When a character has a flaw that doesn't arise naturally, it feels like you just stuck it in there with a syringe and made it part of his personality. But it doesn't fit at all. Tommy is an outgoing kid who seems nice to everyone, no matter how they treat him. More importantly, he's fighting for a college scholarship. You can't get most of those if you have a troubled record. I could understand how he might lash out in the depression following his dad's death, but now? It's in contrast to his caring personality and his ambitions.

Last thing I have (I think) is a backstory question. So after his father's death, Tommy became depressed and bored with school. Understandable. But his counselor recommended that he take on more work? If there's a time gap where he recovers from his grief, re-enters school with all of his facilities, and then becomes bored, I could understand it better. But as you have it now, it's confusing, since no teacher would recommend more stress to a kid who's recently been crushed by a parent's death and rapid financial ruin.

all RIGHT! That's all I have! Sorry, that got a little 'rant-ier' than I wanted it to. Sorry if I got too blunt at times!! All in all, Tommy is a great character with a captivating backstory–which is hard to do in 'real-world' stories, I think, because we're so used to fantastical and morbid backstories in high fantasy. There are definitely a couple wrinkles to iron out, but all in all, you're in great shape!! I hope what I said here is at least a little bit helpful!! :DDD

Would you be interested in giving Eyamir a look?

@Relsey absolutely!! @CrackpipeDreamer's Kade is before you, but I'll get to Eyamir as soon as I can! :D

Morosis - drop a link whenever and I'll add you to the list. Right now there are only two people ahead of you–one in a half hour or so, once I finish this critique.

Okay, @CrackpipeDreamer , here we go! Top down on Kade…

The first thing that stands out to me is his crossed arms. You say that he crosses his arms as a sort of shield against his fear of the unknown, but that seems inconsistent with the rest of his character. He's written as a wanderer, one who's loved adventure since he was young. After all that, why would he be afraid of the unknown? Why wouldn't it excite him? Crossing his arms is totally fine, I just think that your explanation needs a little fine-tuning.

The way he reacts to happiness sounds kind of like a breakdown. Were you going for that? If so, cool. If not, be aware that it comes off that way. Also, this idea of happiness as a foreign concept is going to be really important for my next couple critiques.

First off, what's this about his stubbornness? This is a guy who was raised in an oppressive and I would say abusive household. True happiness is far away, and he still audits his behavior for the approval of his father, who isn't even there. So why would he resist the will of others? At extremes, I could understand. However, he wants approval from others, and some semblance of his happiness is probably linked to approval. This would make him a character who bends to the will of others, at least until he begins to realize his own self-worth.

The same issue arises with his insensitivity. I get that he may not have had much social exposure, but I doubt his father was okay with him being blunt and rude all the time. Also, same as above: if he wants to be happy and gain approval so badly, why hasn't he learned to amend his behavior? You say that he has friends and coworkers, so wouldn't he pick something up from them?

Those two traits that I just mentioned are in direct conflict with his easily manipulated nature. Of the three I've looked though the lens of his reaction to happiness, this one makes the most sense. He's from an abusive household. Until he fully recovers and takes control of his life, pleasing others is what gives him happiness. Ergo, easily manipulated. But it doesn't make sense that someone stubborn and insensitive is also easily manipulated. Here's what I would recommend: make a distinction between traits Kade has immediately after he leaves home and traits he develops as he recovers. I think that could help reconcile a lot of these issues.

Same thing can be said for personality type. Where you say "there is good in him" seems like a split between residual traits and recovering traits. (Also, I never doubted that he was a good person!)

Wait, he hates women? What? Immediately after this, you say that his favorite color is one that reminds him of his mom. And his whole predicament started when he tried to help a girl. I just don't understand how this guy kept that prejudice, when his actions are so different from "I hate women."

Okay, backstory time! First thing I see is just another thing that confuses the whole "prejudice against women" thing–his time with his mother was his favorite time. But I think I've said enough on that already, so I'll leave it at that. But this idea of his father getting custody. I think you need to go into that a little bit more. If his mother got full custody right away, clearly his father was in some way unfit to even see his son. For it to switch over to 'full-custody-for-dad,' his mother would have had to ROYALLY screw up. Like, he doesn't see her on weekends or anything. And his dad would've had to clean up his life a lot. That bit is dicey, since I understand how the full time with each parent is an important plot point, but I think you need more basis. But his reaction to his parents seeming to care more about their resentment for each other than their love for him: that is spot-on.

Wait, he gets lost in Mirkwood?? (kidding kidding kidding i promise!) But is this a magic forest or something, or is it just gigantic? How many turns did he take to get so lost? I like the concept, though! "Lost in a forest forever" sure could explain his subpar social skills.

Wait a MINUTE. just HOLD UP. He's schizophrenic??? What?? So he's 22 and likely just had his break, or maybe hasn't even had it yet. Okay, I freaked out too fast. I guess that's okay. But if he had an early break, make sure to make it clear that this was a big part of his life (because it would have been). And if he has his first break out in the woods without meds, or if he runs out of meds, make sure to discuss what that means for him. That threw me for a loop, I won't lie. I'd like to see it integrated a little more, but this is a character sheet and I'm sure you know what's going on in your head.

And that's all! These seem to be getting longer. I'm worried. But I'm not worried about your character! Most of his personality conflicts come from his changing situation, so all you really need to do is iron out some wrinkles. Sorry if this got kind of rant-y–I'm listening to The Four Seasons, and Winter always gets me fired up. Anyway, I hope that something in here is helpful to you!!! :DDD

Hello! I was wondering if you’re still open for critiques for characters! Could you possibly critique my character Marie ?

I’d really appreciate it! Don’t hold back with the feedback too! I welcome the harshness as i see it as a way to grow! Im doing my best to try and give her some more flaws as im scared of her becoming marysue-ish.

Hey! I’m not all the way done yet but please critique my child Victoria Birdwistle
I know her backstory, it’s just hard write it out sometimes

Wow! Hello everyone! Lot of people here, but I promise I'll get to all of you! Here's the lineup:

1. @Relsey
2. Morosis
3. Destinee
4. @Foxxglove
5. @ella_grace
   I think a healthy estimate is that I will get through 2-3 of you guys tonight! By tomorrow, you should all be done! Sorry for taking a bit, but thanks for dropping by!! :DD

@Relsey - just logged back on to critique Eyamir, but alas, he's not public. As soon as you fix that, I'll bump you back up to the top of the list! But for now, Morosis is next.

It's alright, I haven't finished transferring his character over.

All right, Morosis, let's go! Top down on the lovely Nathan…

Oh! He's just fully deceased! Didn't see that one coming, I won't lie to you. But cool! Wacky. Love to see ghost representation in the media.

ANYway. Nature. You haven't given me a lot to worry about here. Everything seems to spiral smoothly from central traits of loneliness and 'good-listener-ness' (you'd think I know a word for that at this point). There's one conflict that jumps out to me right away. Now, a character can absolutely be mischievous and caring at the same time–that makes perfect sense. But what doesn't make sense is that he'll meddle in people's lives to the point where they're paranoid. That's taking it too far for a guy who seems to care about his friends. Even if he's messing with people he doesn't know, Nathan has been described as the supreme listener with the open-mindedness of a god. You'd think that kind of empathy breeds a sense of consideration for everyone, save a few particularly bad eggs. What's the line for him? At what point will he move from messing around with someone to causing that person to live in fear?

Also, what's he like when he gets caught going a little too far? Now I'm no expert, but if I caught my ghost friend spying on me, I would get angry, no matter how well-intentioned he is. Has he ever made a friend angry? How does he get their attention to apologize, reconcile, etc.? It's not really necessary that you think this one through unless it comes up in your story, but I just thought it would be interesting to consider.

For politics, you tell me a lot about influences on his views, but not what those views are. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd assume he'd be close to center, having observed so many different people. But whatever you choose, it's essential that you choose a view for Nathan, I believe. It makes sense that someone who observed so many people would have had time to organize their views. Same thing with religion, I would say, although that one is a bit less concrete. After all, what religion believes ghosts are around and can possess the living? (Actually, probably several, not going to lie).

Backstory seems solid overall. There are just a couple key points that I feel need further explanation. One, the mugging. How late were these people out? They were on a main road, likely well-lit and well-traveled, and yet they were easily attacked and robbed. I genuinely can't think of many times of night, save in the early hours of morning (and I'm talking like 3-5 here) when there would be NO ONE on a main street. It's a tiny detail, but it confuses the whole event. Two, um, how did Nathan, you know, REACT to being a ghost? For some reason, there are no details about his reaction. Was he horrified? Shocked? Did he initially find it cool, just to realize that it wasn't a temporary thing and he couldn't revive his body? I know you probably have that fully fleshed out in your head, so I won't go off on too much of a tangent. I'm just making sure you have that reaction solid, because I think it's key to his character progression past that point.

Okay!! I think that's all I have for you. I had to nit-pick hard to find anything to say about Nathan. Really quite a well-done character here! But in any case, I hope what I've said helps you in some small way. :DD

Next up is Destinee's Marie! Here we go, top down…

Now, I very rarely critique looks, but this is bugging me a little. As someone with curly hair (big curls), with a sister with curly hair (smaller, tighter curls), and multiple friends with tightly curled/coily hair, there is NO type of curly hair that I've encountered that's easy to run your fingers through. Wavy, maybe. The curls will hook together and absolutely end your career. It's SO annoying.

(hey, before I get going, did you draw those????? they're incredible!!!!!)

Nature is maddeningly coherent, but I'm going to do my best to tug at some threads here. First and most importantly, the incident where she was taken advantage of. I don't have many details about this, but clearly it impacted Marie's personality, making her afraid of being indebted to a person. While 'becoming indebted' and 'being a good friend' are different things, the line there is fine. Marie seems like a character willing to give herself wholly to the people around her, smothering them, always willing to be helpful and supportive. So where's the line? When does Marie stop being friendly and start being suspicious? I think you really need to rectify that. Else, those two personalty traits clash in a strange way.

Murder mysteries came out of nowhere, I won't lie to you, but book taste is a whole different beast. It tends to hint at the type of person you are deep down. I guess I would ask for a clarification: does Marie like true crime? That doesn't make as much sense, considering she'd be reading about real people who were killed and murderers who went uncaught for years. Or does she like fictional murder mysteries, like classic detective stories? This seems to fit better, since it has the aspect of drama and romance as well as a happy ending. Plus, as a bonus, no one real died! This probably isn't even important to your story, oof. It just got me thinking. Sorry!!

Woah, self-critical? Where did that come from? Marie is open about her feelings, comfortable with her wealth without allowing it to go to her head, never allowing her anxieties to hold her back, willing to try anything. Nothing about that screams self-critical to me.

All right, religion and politics! Woo! I yell at people a lot about these. Maybe too much? Nah. Anyway, for religion, I always try to make a clarification for characters not affiliated with any particular religion: atheistic or agnostic? It helps define their worldview as more nihilistic or hopeful. As for politics, I always find it helpful to rate my characters on a scale of 'liberal-to-conservative.' It works for all characters, even those who don't follow politics. Generally it's framed by social issues for those characters, but hey–still works!

Even as a start, her backstory is solid! I'm not going to be picky, because there aren't any huge personality changed that need to be explained by the backstory right now. The one thing I would be sure you have absolutely NAILED DOWN is the experience where she was taken advantage of. Character-altering moments like that are key–it's a trait that alters her other actions with its gravity, so it needs a solid basis.

Honest question before I wrap up: how in the world is that dress unstained???

All in all, you have a strong character here. You said you worried that she could be seen as a Mary Sue, but I don't think you should sell yourself so short. Caring, warm female characters are not necessarily Mary Sues. A Sue is defined by how the world caves in around her, causing everyone to fall in love with her, everything in her life to go her way, etc. If she has a strong supporting cast with ambitions outside of "win Marie's love" and "make Marie happy" and "support Marie," or if she IS a member of the supporting cast, I think you'll be just fine! Please don't worry about your ability to create amazing characters!! And as always, I hope that my notes are helpful to you as you move forward!! :DD

Three critiques in one night?? It's more likely than you'd think!! But after this one I DEFINITELY have to go to sleep. Okay, top down on @Foxxglove's Nicholas…

(Before I start, DID YOU DRAW THOSE? There are so many amazing artists on this thread and UGH I'm getting JEALOUS. they're seriously amazing. well done!!)

I rarely critique looks, so let's jump straight to nature! First, I think we have to talk about his body language. As you pointed out, body language is really difficult to fake, and Nicholas gives his insecurities away a lot. But while you say his self-assuredness is faked, it sounds like the body language for his unbothered-ness is real. How does this work? Here's what I'm picking up: he acts relaxed and all, but little things give away that he is not. If I'm wrong, sorry!! But that's what I'm going to work with as we examine how this attitude gels with the rest of his personality.

First, his anger. You describe Nicholas as easily angered, but everything else about his character paints a picture of control. He audits his own body language to appear open and relaxed; he has exceptional control of magic. He has healthy outlets, like art and flying. This doesn't seem like a character to fly off the handle. (Side note: I'll admit that I don't know a ton about bipolar disorder. So if anything I say here can be explained by that, please disregard by words! I haven't done enough research into it to be an expert. That being said, it's my baseline understanding that it's based around hyper-elated and depressed periods, so I'll work with that, I suppose). This seems like a character who has all the means to control himself in times of anger, and who can easily work out negative feelings.

Then, his pride. You tell me that Nicholas has too much pride to admit when he's wrong. Where is the source of this pride? His body language tells us that he's insecure. This is honestly a very small issue–you could just as easily explain his unwillingness to admit when he's wrong with his stubbornness, which is an understandable trait.

HE HAS KIDS??? soft dragon dad man. yes

Honest question here: does he start controlling the fighting impulses after he has kids? I would hope so, but I'm not sure if 'mania' is a bipolar disorder term and therefore he can't easily 'just say no.'

History time!!! I am a passionate lover of walls of text, so from the bottom of my heart: gracias!! But on to the issues, of which there are only a couple. First: he's ground zero for a political showdown between two governments. You would think he'd be the center of news media, with Instagram activists making his picture viral, hybrid rights groups using him as a symbol, and both governments struggling to maintain their public image while at the same time saying, "Not our problem." So how, exactly, could he just run away? After that much of a political mess, people would know him and some would demand that he be looked for.

Next up, Silver. She seems like a sweetheart, but I'm a little confused: why would a well-trained mercenary have a roommate and decide to adopt a random kid? They clearly have a connection, but she's still doing mercenary work, which generally calls for 'not adopting kids.' It's, like, half of a solid basis, because you have the connection that would prompt her to adopt, but not so much the circumstances that allow her to do so.

At long last, the end of the history! Which is rushed and left me MAD confused. I'm sure you understand it fine and didn't feel like typing it all out, but… where did the slut phase come from? He just got a stable life and a loving home, and so… slut phase? It's just confusing.

"No, he doesn't take criticism on the name." uhhhh, does he accept praise?

All right all RIGHT! I think that's all I have for you! The world you've built is compelling and interesting, and boy oh BOY do I love me some political machinations. Nicholas is a solid character, and I can promise you that if he was on a show, he'd be my number one. But like all characters, there are tiny little issues. In some little way, I hope my notes can help you fix those up!! :DDD