I've got a vent I don't rlly want in the VC or the Christian chat. There's nothing worth CWing, but imma just make it gray so it's easy to skip over if you want.
Spoiler - click to show.
So like I said, I've officially come out to myself as non binary, which is great! Things make more sense now. I feel more comfortable with myself, but less comfortable with some people around me. I've kinda felt this before- I'm afraid I'll out myself or be outed by something I forgot to take care of. Then my parents would throw a fit and make me feel horrible and it'd be a shitshow. You know, the works. With stuff like this, I don't know exactly how they'd react, I just know they'd react badly. So I feel a lot more pressure to stay hidden now that I know who I am versus when I was still figuring stuff out.
Going along with that- I always used to stupidly think to myself "whY dOnt pEopLe jUsT staY cLosEteD iF tHey kNow tHeiR pAreNts wiLL Be baD tO tHem?"
Now I get it. It's so much constant anxiety and pressure to stay closeted. I mean if you can stay closeted and are fine with that, that's great. But now I understand why people say they feel like they have to come out. I wonder how long I'll last in the closet.
One more thing- I decided to step down from my "position" at church. It was just making drinks at the coffee bar, so not a big deal. My mom thinks I quit because of the new management, but really I just feel like a lier there. The requirements to be in that ministry position are to be constantly growing in your walk with God (check), and not continuing in a habitual sin. Stuff like constantly shoplifting, using prostitutes, smoking, stuff like that. Like if you do/did those things, it's ok as long as you know why it was bad and turn away from it. Everyone sins constantly, they know that, but the requirements emphasize that you don't purposefully continue in a sin you know is a sin. Which makes sense. They want good role models in the ministry positions, people stable in their spiritual walks so that other people can lean on them when they need help (or… coffee, I guess).
But I know that accepting my non binary identity to them would be "living in sin", which I don't agree with. I'm on Side A of the great LGBT/Christian debate, meaning I think queer identities aren't sins or burdens, but gifts from God. I don't want to pretend to be a girl anymore, especially not in such a public position. After all, lying is a sin. I shouldn't say I agree with the requirements if I know what they really entail. I'm just not welcome there anymore. I kicked myself out to save the trouble lol.
The youth group also started splitting up into boy's and girl's groups, something I think is actually unchristian (Gal. 3:28), and something we never used to do. I could depart on a whole fiery ted talk about how much I hate when churches have boy's and girl's groups for everything (like, it's fine for a weekend or for fun once in a while but it shouldn't be an everytime thing? Whatever happened to unity in Christ???). But now I'm in a girl's group so that's whack. I feel like an imposter there too. I just don't want to lie, especially at church. It's odd and scary. I wonder how long it'll be before God yeets me outta the closet. This church needs to wake up to the reality that LGBTQ+ people exist, and actually love them instead of just saying they do.
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